17 in a row

September 8, 2009

They did it! They did it!

Well well well. You said it couldn’t be done, but here we are. Your Pittsburgh Pirates have attained the unattainable. They have done the undoable. They have touched the untouchable. They have reached the unreachable. 17 consecutive losing seasons. This, unfortunately, proves one of my favorite insults, “Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile”, wrong. The Pirates have had no such luck finding nuts.

A few facts from this momentous event:

  • It occurred at home.
  • It was against the Cubs.
  • The final score was 4-2.
  • The winning pitcher was Ted Lilly.
  • The losing pitcher was Daniel McCutcheon (it was also his first MLB decision as well).
  • 14,673 (38.4%) fans watched the game in person.
  • The game lasted 2 hours and 22 minutes.
  • Derrek Lee put the nail in the coffin by hitting a two run home run in the 3rd to put the Cubs ahead for the rest of the game.

Hopefully next year the Pirates fans have something to look forward to, but as for this year, I have only this to say to all you Pittsburgh fans: Steelers kick off in a little over 48 hours. I’m sure they will have a significantly better season.

Last formal weekend recap

September 8, 2009

I don’t think I will be doing anymore formal weekend recaps because they take way too much time. So I think from now on I will just throw out my thoughts on what happened over the weekend and you’ll be happy to get it.

I won’t delve into that debacle that was our game against Alabama, because I’m sure we will have a post devoted entirely to that subject in the coming hours or days. I do want to say this though, I was impressed. Same amount of impressed I was last year and the year before that. As Gobbler Country so truthfully puts it, we are, in fact the same team we were last year. And the year before that. The announcers before the game were commenting on how predictable our offense was. Exhibit A of why we need a new offensive coordinator.

Some other stuff happened that I’m sure you already know about: Oregon’s punch-drunk player got suspended the whole season, but of course, not the pussy who was flopping in his face like a goldfish about two seconds before he took it on the chin. Figures. The Sooners lost Bradford for a few weeks which means their championship run is over. This crazy 17 year old chick is blowing through the competition at the US Open. Good for her. And the pirates lost. More on that in a different post.

But back to what we care about, we move onto Marshall next week and we better bring the pain in order to get our spirits up. Nothing is as crushing as leading a game into the fourth quarter and then shitting the bed. But we know that feeling all too well by now. So let’s just move on and accept that we aren’t winning a National Championship with the coaching staff in its present form and just be happy with 10 win seasons and trips to the Orange Bowl. Apparently playing Big East teams in a bowl game is our peak. Ugh.

Game 1: Alabama Predictions

September 4, 2009


And now, the season is really getting going.

Once again, we make our fearless predictions for this week’s game. Whoever is closest, based on our BCS-like calculations, wins a fabulous prize*.

*prize yet to be determined, but is most likely not fabulous.

Let’s see ’em:

Gally: 14-12 VT

The Northerner: 17-14 VT

Maniak: 20-17 VT

Meet-Bag: 20 – 13 VT

B-Dubs: 24-10 VT

The Bull: 17-13 VT

The DiP: 24-20 VT

Wright: 20-17 VT

Poppa Gally: DEFENSE!!!! VT 14 – Ala 10………At a minimum……1 BLOCKED KICK!!!!**
**copy and pasted directly from the email

The CMU Football Analyst: 24-17 Alabama***
***no one likes him

GWay: 17-10 VT

Bobby the Ginger: 16-10 VT

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We usually like to get a prediction from a fan of our opponent. But since we have jobs and live in a city with economic growth, we don’t know any Alabama fans to ask.

So if there are any ‘Bama folk out there, please leave your score predictions in the comments. If you think someone will score over 20 points, ask a friend if you can borrow his fingers and toes.

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And of course, Tech fans should absolutely let us know their scores. (See the section about a fabulous prize up above.) Just try to be as fair and balanced as we were in our predictions.

Game 1: Alabama Preview

September 4, 2009

OMG OMG OMG!!!! IT’S HEEEEEEEEERE!!!

The ‘Bama game is here and it’s spectacular.

#5 vs. #7. Your grandchildren will hear stories about this game. Your girlfriend might leave or marry you based on this game. Your psychiatrist will note this as the turning point in your life. Your parole officer will be assigned after this game.

There are already a million Tech fans in Atlanta right now. Everyone is going to this game. While it may not be Lane Stadium, it’ll be freaking loud. And if the sound guy is ballzy enough to put on some “Enter Sandman”, the roof will blow off.

We didn’t include Alabama in our Hatefest series. We don’t really have any reason to hate them. But that all changes right now.

The last time we heard from Bama fans was when 90,000 people showed up for their Spring Game. All this tells us is that no one in Alabama has a job.

Not that you can blame them. There is NOTHING to do in Alabama. The greatest accomplishments in the state? They have a song that is more cliché than using The Fray in your movie trailer. They were featured briefly in Forest Gump. And… well that’s about it. They had some famous coach along time ago. Too bad no one gives a shit.

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The Bad Guys

As you most likely heard, one of their players, Brandon Deaderick, was shot this past week… f***ing shot! He has since returned to practice!! He won’t play on Saturday, which is good for us, because he’s apparently the offspring of the pimpest man alive, Sig Hansen.

As for the rest of the Alabama team… well they are kind of good.

They had a redonkulous defense last year, and they will probably be pretty money again. They return 9 starters.

Get ready to hear the name “Terrence Cody”, he’s Alabama’s nose tackle. The guy is 6’5”, 354 lbs!

He won’t get many sacks, since Tyrod can run faster than a manatee. But he will no doubt be a factor in the run game. We may have to (gasp!) run outside.

Apparently they are the Virginia Tech of the SEC, because their offense blows ass. They return only 5 players: 3 wide receivers and 2 linemen. That leaves a lot of inexperience in the other 3 linemen and a somewhat important position, quarterback. Greg McElroy will make his first start under center. He has thrown exactly 20 passes in actual games, and is also an incredible douche*.

*He attends an SEC school, so this is assumed.

Also, this guy went there:

He majored in cheeseburgers.

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The Hokies

As for your Virginia Tech Hokies, we are freaking awesome. We return everyone.

Sure, Darren Evans got hurt, but we’ll be fine. We love Evans and all, but when was the last time we had a running back not succeed here? (Screw you, Imoh.)

Sergio Render is a pimp. Jason Worilds is nasty. And the dual K/Cam engine on defense will crush anyone.

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The Game

Everyone will talk about the play of Tyrod Taylor being the deciding factor. But as long as he doesn’t throw 4 interceptions with 2 going back for touchdowns (known as pulling a Glennon), it won’t much matter what he does. This game is going to come down to defense.

If the over/under is less than 14, take the under. This is going to be a boring, boring game folks. While we would never condone drinking alcohol of any kind (HA!), a few beers on hand would probably be a good call. Your humble editor, The Northerner, and the DiP will be nice and toasty come game time. We’re not watching as a group or anything. We’re just all alcoholics.

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Your Pump Up Song of the Week (other than Metallica)

If you’re on Facebook, your newsfeed is filled with 100 different entrance videos. Since you can’t actually pump “Enter Sandman” at your tailgate for 3 hours straight, allow us to give you one song that will get you psyched enough to spend a weekend in Atlanta.

Gravesmakers and Gunslingers by Coheed and Cambria

You may not have heard it before, but I dare you to listen to it and not want to tackle the next person you see.

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It’s that time. Your first hero for the season.

We didn’t want to go with the usual for this game, since this isn’t a usual game. We can’t go with Steven Hiller. We can’t go with Sig. We can’t even go with Bear.

We need a badass that takes matters into his own hands. We need….

…Liam Neeson in Taken.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Guess how that turned out.

That’s also the transcript of Beamer’s last conversation with Saban. Except for the “daughter” part.

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Biggest game of your life. Nothing else happens on Saturday.

Go Hokies!!!

This is how you do it

September 3, 2009

Real Clear Sports has just jumped up to my top 5 websites because of this little article. Who’s number one on this list of best entrances in college football? That would be us. That is how you show respect to the definitive entrance to a college football stadium. I watched the video that all of us have seen so many times, and still got chills. Oh what the hell, here it is.

Awesome.

Now let’s see what RCS had to say about it:

It starts with one side of the stadium, “LET’S GO….” And then the other side responds, “HOKIES”. Then the bass line from Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” starts. Fans begin jumping up and down. The band is lined up outside of the tunnel. The music hits the crescendo, the team rushes out of the tunnel, the fireworks explode, and Lane Stadium becomes one of the loudest stadiums in college football – and they haven’t even started playing yet.

Is there a back-story to this entrance? Probably. But as you jump up and down like a madman somewhere deep in the mountains of Virginia, with Metallica’s bass lines thumping against your brain, ready to watch your Hokies do battle on a crisp fall night, do you care? Probably not. Obviously, with a relatively new song, the tradition isn’t very old, but it has quickly garnered the respect of all college football fans and players as the most intense entrance in college football.

And by far the best part of the analysis was the beginning, which I will leave you with, if only to ponder how true it is:

We held this one for number one for fear that after you see it you might try and run through a brick wall.

Amen, brother.

Ahhh crap.

September 3, 2009

I’m calling bullshit on this one. Looks like we aren’t going to get that two player advantage this weekend:

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — No. 5 Alabama will have two of its key offensive players for the opener Saturday night against No. 7 Virginia Tech.

The NCAA reinstated receiver Julio Jones and tailback Mark Ingram on Wednesday on the condition that they repay the cost of a Gulf Coast fishing trip paid for by businessman Curtis Anderson during the spring. An Alabama spokesman said the money had been paid to charity.

“According to the facts of the case submitted by Alabama, the student-athletes received impermissible food, lodging, transportation and entertainment from an individual with whom one of the student-athletes had become acquainted prior to enrolling in college,” the NCAA said in a statement.

“Consistent with NCAA membership requirements, the institution reported the violation and declared the student-athletes ineligible. As part of the reinstatement request, the institution required the student-athletes to make repayment of the value of the impermissible benefits to charity.”

Now, personally, I don’t see how they get off of this. They accepted impermissable stuff, against NCAA rules, and then can just pay it back and they’re off the hook? What the hell kind of bullshit is that? Conspiracy if you ask me. It’ll just be that much nicer when we beat ‘Bama on Saturday.

Your Comprehensive Season Preview

September 2, 2009

With less than a week until kickoff, we figured we could go ahead and spoil the entire season for you. Here is your comprehensive season preview. With results! Just try to act surprised so you don’t ruin it for everyone else.

Alabama
This game… wow. Only a few days away. We’ll have our usual non-informative preview tomorrow. But if you’re not excited for this game by now, you should probably go find another team.

Prediction: Tech wins, 28-27

Rating: Five Giggitys
Marshall
The last time Marshall came to Blacksburg, it was a big game. That was back when they paid their players. Unfortunately for Herd fans, that practice has ceased, and the team kinda sucks now.

But it is still the home opener. Despite the million or so Hokies going to Atlanta, for many of us it will be the first time to see our boys play.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45-10

Rating: Two Giggitys

Nebraska
The biggest non-conference home game this year. Like Marshall, Nebraska used to be good. Granted, they were multiple-national-championships good, but I think the comparison stands.
Apparently their fans were pretty decent to the majority of Hokies fans we talked to, so let’s try to keep the WVU antics to a minimum.
Prediction: Tech wins, 27-14

Rating: Four Giggitys

Miami
Sweet lord, our September schedule is amazing. And Miami at home is always a good time. We really can’t wait to put a stop to all this “Miami is on their way back up” bull crap. I’m sure the dozen or so Canes fans will be left crying after this one is over.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35-6

Rating: Five Giggitys

At Duke
Why do we play this game? We’ve asked this every year, and have yet to find an answer.

Prediction: Tech wins by a lot.

Rating: One Giggity

Boston College
History will not repeat itself in this game, as we will prevail in the regular season contest against the Eagles. Plan on attending this game, if only to avoid watching 100 replays of that Matt Ryan doucher.

Prediction: Tech wins, 20-10

Rating: Four Giggitys

At Georgia Tech
This game is only important if you care about winning the ACC. Seriously, this is the game of the year.

Win, and Tech has the upper hand in the Division. Even with another loss (which won’t happen), we’ll still have the tie-breaker.

Lose, and our prediction will be wrong.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35 – 24

Rating: Five Giggitys UNC
Thursday night. Blacksburg. Game. Blouses.

Yeah yeah, UNC is the sleeper pick to win the ACC. You know the last time a sleeper pick worked out? 1999, and it was Tech in the National Championship game.

Prediction: Tech wins, 17 – 6

Rating: Four Giggitys At ECU
Sweet sassy molassey, this game is freaking stupid. Thursday night at ECU in November? Weaver has officially lost his mind. Whatevs.

Prediction: Tech wins, 18 – 12

Rating: Three Giggitys At Maryland
There will absolutely be more Tech fans at this game than Twerp fans. Hell, if you wanted to buy tickets for this game, the Maryland Athletic Department made you buy tickets to see the JMU game, every water polo match, and that new Tyler Perry movie. Sadly, the Fridge will have to drown his sorrows in a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s after this shellacking.

Prediction: Tech wins, 52 – 10

Rating: Three Giggitys

NC State
We kind of forgot they were in the ACC, to be honest with you.

Prediction: Tech wins, 38 – 17

Rating: Three Giggitys At UVA
See: Hatefest 2009

Prediction: Tech wins, 62 – 12

Rating: Four Giggitys

ACC Championship Game
We will most likely play Boston College, thus guaranteeing us a spot in the BCS National Championship.

Prediction: Tech wins, 31 – 14

Rating: Five Giggitys National Championship Game
From what we can gather, Tech will most likely be playing Notre Dame.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45 – 10

Rating: Five Giggitys

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So there you have it, folks. Our entire season laid out.

Don’t tell anyone though, they might steal the sports almanac I brought back from the future. FYI, don’t bet on Pittsburgh to win the World Series this year.

HateFest 2009: Why we hate…UVA – Part II

September 2, 2009

Oh there are so many reasons, but I can’t put some into words. Those that I can can be found below:

1. Their fans are pathetic. Everyone who went to Tech knows why. They wear ties and sundresses to the game. If they go at all. They have gotten sternly talked to by Al Groh because even HE admits they’re fucking pathetic. Most of their fans strike me as the kind of people who are relatively straight-laced in high school and then leave for college and turn into those annoying “I love alcohol and why haven’t I tried this until now” kind of people who don’t know how to handle their booze and end up puking on your new couch.

I went to a concert at UVA freshman year and the band had to warn the guys at the front three times because these drunken ass frat boys were trying to start a mosh pit and were pushing and body-checking a girl who had the bad luck of finding herself in the middle of them. The band eventually stopped playing to wait until the dumbasses stopped their stupid shit. It was an OAR concert.

2. They further the stupid ass southern concept that “if you wear pastel polo shirts/pastel shorts and boat shoes you must be wealthy”. You look ridiculous. And if you do wear pastel polos and pastel shorts here is a word of advice: they aren’t mix-and-match. Certain colors go with other certain colors. Unfortunately this trend had moved to Tech when I was there and into my fraternity as well. All I could think of is how stupid the people at Tech were for following this dumbass trend brought down from UVA. It was a sad day.

3. UVA fans and alumni have a very unhealthy obsession with Thomas Jefferson. We get it. He established your school. Whoop-dee-doo. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great politician and founder of our country and did great things for our young nation. But there is no reason you need to fellate the man. He’s dead. He won’t feel anything.

4. Can’t really hate on their football team too much since they haven’t really wronged us in a while. Football is the only sport (other than softball) that we lead the overall series. Our record all time is 48-35-5. We haven’t lost to them since we have been in the ACC. I’m wondering if they are regretting their hard lobbying for us to be brought over to the ACC.

That’s all I can think of at this moment, but if I remember anything else I’ll let you know.

Norman Einsteins

September 2, 2009

Cian over at the Norman Einsteins publication had me imagine a discussion between Beamer and Tyrod during the ECU game in November. You can probably guess where that conversation went.

You can check it out here, it’s little over half way down.

Hokies head coach FRANK BEAMER fuming with rage, signals timeout to the nearest official. His quarterback TYROD TAYLOR trots over.

FRANK BEAMER: Marcus! Marcus! Get your ass over here!
TYROD TAYLOR: Coach, my name is Tyrod.
BEAMER: Whatever! Look, you’re getting a little too flashy out there. What the hell was that last play? The ooptie oop?
TAYLOR: It was a 9 yard out.

Like I said, you can guess where it goes.

Hatefest 2009: Why I hate… UVA

September 1, 2009

During Hatefest 2009 we have hated on many different schools throughout this great nation. Hatefest now draws to its magnificent conclusion with the school any Hokie should hate more than Lee Corso himself. There will be a different format this week; each of the writers will talk about why we each hate UVA. Hope everyone except UVA fans enjoy. 

What I want to hate about set back the Virginia Tech football program 14 years. UVA slaughtered the Hokies 42-23 at Lane Stadium on November 19, 1994. The blowout shattered Hokie Nation to its core leading to a decision that wasn’t reversed till last year. During the game the Hokies wore an orange uniform, orange jersey and orange pants. The orange uniform was blamed for the loss. Frank Beamer said he would burn them and orange would never be seen on a Hokie football player again. Will Stewart said “The Hokies looked like a bunch of tangerines on the field, and UVA proceeded to beat the pulp out of them.” The color orange as the main focus of the Hokie’s uniform was not seen again till The Orange Effect game last year against Georgia Tech. Thankfully the Hokies won that game or else it would have been till 2022 till we saw an orange Hokie again.

So, I hate UVA for a lot more reasons than this but, this seemed to be the most unfounded of all of my reasons. However, how can you not hate a team that makes you change your uniform for a decade and a half?