Archive for the ‘Voldemort’ Category

Hatefest 2009: Why We Hate… Georgia Tech

August 19, 2009


It’s difficult for me to come up with too many reasons as to why we hate Georgia Tech. They aren’t that good, their fans aren’t complete douche turds, and the school is similar to ours. But seeing how they are quickly becoming the only rival in the ACC Coastal, I’m sure we can drum up some animosity.

The Town
Atlanta sucks. I assure you, it is not where the playas play. It’s hot as balls, and they are running short on water. WATER!! Like, the one thing people need. Bear Grylls can find water in the freaking desert. You can’t find it in Atlanta. Therefore, Atlanta sucks worse than the desert.

Also, it’s home to the Thrashers… They’re an NHL team… It’s a hockey league… you know what, forget it.

The School
The fact that no one refers to them as “Gah” Tech still pisses us off to no end.

The Team
As mentioned, the Yellow Jackets have become the biggest rival in the division, and that game in 2006 still stings a good bit (damn you, Calvin Johnson). Johnson also seems to be the only notable football player to emerge from the school. Though, to be fair, Tashard Choice has one of the more awesome names we’ve ever heard.

Ken Whisenhunt also went there. He’s best known for winning the Super Bowl… as Offensive Coordinator of the Steelers.

We could go on about Stephon Marbury, but he was there for a year. He also thought Atlanta sucked.

Gah Tech also 4 National Championships. If you have any friends that went here, you already know this, as it was most likely shoved down your throat at every opportunity. In actuality, they only have one (1990), and that one was shared. If you were born in the 80’s, you don’t get to brag about anything that happened prior to the Civil Rights Movement.

The Fans/Alumni
No personal qualms with the fans. Feel free to leave any hilarious/scary experience you may have had in the comments.

But the alumni?? OOOOOH my.

Cam-freaking-Bonifay is a Yellow Jacket. I will forever despise this man.

Don’t know who he is? Let’s just say he was the General Manager a certain western Pennsylvania baseball team from 1993-2001. That’s right, your Pittsburgh Pirates. How’d we do during that time, by the way??

The fact that he stayed GM for that long is a true testament as to how terrible the entire franchise is run. Who could keep a job year after year when they clearly suck out loud? Who I ask you, WHO??


Also, they count Jimmy Carter and Jeff Foxworthy among their alumni. One tells jokes, the other is a joke. Or both.

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Gobbler Country Roundtable: Question #1

April 1, 2009

The Gobbler over at Gobbler Country asked us to participate in a little Springtime Hokie roundtable discussion. We obviously obliged, seeing how we are the premium experts on all things Virginia Tech.

Five questions were submitted. The Northerner and your humble editor went back and forth in our usual “we kind of hate each other” style. Enjoy.

Also, any additional questions may be submitted, and we will tackle them with the force of a thousand Vince Hall’s.

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Question #1: “Are we really going to be that good next year? I just don’t see us being a top 10 team given last season’s offensive output. Tell me that we’re overhauling the offense, or we’re adding new packages. Give me some hope.”

C Gally: If by “overhaul” you mean same shit we’ve always done, then get excited.

That said, we are still going to be the best thing on the block next year, even with a stagnant offense. Hell, we finished in the top 15 last year with a tougher schedule and playing with scrubs on offense. If there was any year that we were going to make a run at the top 5, it’s this year.

The N: The only “overhauling” that will be done on offense is that Tyrod will be the only one with the ball getting snapped to him. We have finally gotten rid of Glennon and will put all our faith in Taylor. Stiney will still love the draw play, and will be calling the same shit as usual.

Though, I disagree with CGally in that I don’t think we have any breakout stars that will give us the national attention to make it to the top 5. I think we will hover around the 8 slot in the rankings at our best and make it to the ACC Championship again.

It should be noted that this scenario is possible mainly because all the other teams without a coach were too stupid to get Foster and/or Frankie Beams made a few “home visits”, and not to recruit high schoolers, if you know what I mean.

C Gally: The last time we went from having two quarterbacks to just one, we went 10-2, won the ACC, and lost by 3 to an undefeated Auburn team in the Sugar Bowl. This time won’t involve weed, underage girls, or traffic violations, but I think the mindset is still the same.

I don’t know that we will be a top 5 team. I just think that this year is going to be our best shot in a while.

And no, I don’t know what you mean. Are you implying that Foster only stayed because Beamer gave him sexual favors?

The N: That sounds about right, but we also had some depth at our receiving corps and had some running backs. We lost a lot of good players since then, and I’m concerned we haven’t refueled our tanks, so to speak.

And no, I didn’t mean sexual favors, so get your mind out of the gutter. I meant that Beamer went to the respective schools without coaches and threatened to beat the ever-loving shit out of them if they took Foster from him.

C Gally: Ah, racked a few knuckles. I got ya.

Yes, we are a little thin. But if we were deeper at those positions, would our success on offense change? I’m doubtful. See: Royal, Eddie

The N: One player wouldn’t really make a significant change, unless we re-recruited Randy Moss or something, but if we had two or three deep threats, then we would have the deep ball and the running quarterback that would keep defenses on their toes. But then again we would have Stinespring still, and that would let the defense relax again.

C Gally: “But then again we would have Stinespring still, and that would let the defense relax again.” We probably could have started with that sentence and skipped everything else we’ve said.

The N: Sadly, agreed.

Who’s going to post these bad boys and how are we going to do it?

C Gally: I can put them up, maybe one or two a day.

The N: Okie dokie artichokie

C Gally: That’s going in the post as well.

The N: I figured.

News, Notes, and Taco Bell

November 21, 2008
With the Georgia Tech win over Miami last night, something utterly ridiculous happened.
Virginia Tech now controls their own destiny.
No. That is not a joke.
If we beat Duke and UVA, we are in the ACC Championship.
Get your bomb shelter ready. The world is about to asplode.
Now, the chances of this team actually taking care of business is slim, even approaching zero percent. But as Lloyd so eloquently put it:

So you’re telling me there’s a chance!!

Jersey?
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We’d also like to address another portion of what some of the players have been saying.
This is from offensive lineman Nick Marshman:

“He spends time in here nonstop watching film, getting us ready. People sit on blogs and try to say what they know and all that, but ultimately they don’t understand what it takes to be a college coach, staying in here late, not being with your family. That’s what he does for us. He loves us all like sons. He wants to see us do good. He wants to see us win. He gives up time with his own family to be here and watch film with us.”

Do we think he’s calling us out? Of course not. We’re fairly certain only our mothers and girlfriends (if we had any) are the only ones reading this site.
But he is missing the point of all of our arguments. We know Voldemort is a good guy. He’s probably a pleasure to be around, and we’re sure he works much harder at his job than we do at ours.
The problem lies in the fact that his job is being the offensive coordinator at a big time college football program. It’s great that you work hard, but if you can’t get it done then you can’t get it done.
It’s not like any of us could do better. Hell, we just learned an NFL game could end in a tie. But we know how to read results. And the numbers do not bear any resemblance to success.
We don’t wish any ill will to him. We would just like to see him not be our offensive coordinator any more.
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So why the Taco Bell? Well, for no reason other than it is awesome. The only excuse to leave a bar prior to last call is to make it to the TB drive-thru.

They have to put it in an f’ing box to contain the awesomeness.

This box would be better.

Bring it.
VIVA REVOLUTION!!!

Go Hokies!!!

Game 11: Take out all of your frustrations on some trust fund babies.

November 20, 2008
We are going to go ahead and gloss over that Miami loss. Any thoughts, feelings, emotions, kidnapping plots, etc. can be found in our previous post.

The game was worse than when we forgot how to sit down.

It’s that time of year again kids. The annual drubbing of Duke.

We know that they beat UVA and are better this year than usual. We know we kind of suck and forgot that they allowed forward passes back in the 30’s. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know it’s the Saturday before Thanksgiving break and not everyone will be there. The UVA game next week is also a deterrent. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know it’s our first cold weather game, and we tend to suck in those. Don’t ask us why, but it always seems to go down that way. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know that the Coach Who Must Not Be Named is still calling the shots on offense, which means we’re pretty much screwed. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know that the GREATEST COACH TO EVER GRACE THE WORSHMAN FIELD SIDELINES is interviewing for a much deserved job at Clemson, and the defense may be a little distracted. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.*

*more on this later…

Christ, there are a lot of things going against us….

There is nothing about this game that makes us feel comfortable. We’ve lost to Temple at home before, and another game like that is certainly not out of the question.

Duke is quite the conundrum. With wins over Navy, Virginia, and Vanderbilt, and tough losses to Wake Forest in OT and Northwestern, they have a decent resume (compared to prior seasons, anyways). They also rank 3rd in the ACC for passing, which does not bode well for the Hokies. We rank 10th in the conference for passing defense.

That paragraph was the most statistical research we’ve done for any game ever. Now here’s a file photo of Brady Quinn:

There are no words to describe how awesome it is that this picture exists.

We hate to say it, but if there was a year for an upset to happen, it’s this one.

Which is all the more reason to fill the stadium and get as loud as the Maryland game. Just picture J.J. Redick, WoJo, and the other 500 annoying white basketball players that have gone through that school.

Let the hate flow through you.

Once again, we always have a photo for that extra bit of encouragement.

We actually broke a coffee table when this happened.

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Oh, but how can we have it loud? The Duke game’s always a noon game so… WHAAAAAAAAAAA??? 5:30?!?! Thank the good lord.

It truly is the perfect game time. Plenty of tailgate time. Kickoff will be right at dark. And the game will be over with plenty of time to get downtown and ogle yourself some freshmen before 2 am.

So get ready for a possibly competitive, no doubt frustrating home game against Duke. At the very least, you know the Coach Who Must Not Be Named is more likely to be fired if we suck.

Which we won’t.

GO HOKIES!!!!

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*so about that star…

We have no clue as to what is going on with Bud “The Man” Foster. Our thinking? No one really actually knows, and a lot of hearsay is out there. That said, we’re going to spread some of the hearsay.

Our sources tell us that the GREATEST COACH TO EVER GRACE THE WORSHMAN FIELD SIDELINES has been lined up as the next head coach here in Hokieland. If this is true, this truly kills two birds with one stone: he’s more likely to stay and the Coach Who Must Not Be Named won’t be getting that job.

Speaking of Voldemort, the fellas over at Fire the Coach Who Must Not Be Named had a great find. From the mouth of straight-up pimp Purnell Sturdivant:

“Pretty much every team we face this year knows what we’re going to do” on offense, Sturdivant said. “I have a couple friends at Carolina, a couple friends at N.C. State, things like that, they’re pretty much just calling out the plays that we’re going to run on offense. Our offense is pretty much predictable. You know what you’re going to see each and every week.” Asked whether he thought Stinespring should go, Sturdivant said: “That’s a hard one.” But he added that he didn’t think the outside criticism was unfair.“Yeah, I can definitely see where they’re coming from,” Sturdivant said of the critics.

AWKWARD…

It’s almost like his hard work all year is being wasted by a terrible coach.

Note: Purnell’s use of the coach’s name is no reflection of the views of The North End Zone.

VIVA REVOLUTION!!!

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You know what time it is.

Once again, the Bull pulls out another prediction win. But with a loss like that, no one cares.

The prize? The Bull is the lucky winner of being able to host your humble editor for a weekend of debauchery in the ‘Burg!!!

File photo

Have fun with that.

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So let’s roll into this week’s picks:

C Gally: 30 – 9 VT, 10 field goals by The Closer.

The Bull: 26 – 6 VT

The Northerner: From the ranting, I was able to gather 28 – 10 VT

CMU Football Analyst: 38 – 6 VT

The DiP: 19 – 10 VT

Meet Bag: 34 – 13 VT

Wright: 27 – 13 VT

Lady Wright: 27 – 7 VT

G Way: 17 – 3 VT

B Dubs: 42 – 38 VT

Poppa Gally: 35 – 6 VT… you guessed it: 3 blocks

And our guest away team prediction comes from one of Meet Bag’s friends. Well, his only friend, really. We have no information other than he went to Duke, so we will assume it is JJ Redick: 27 – 24 Duke.

In a rare doube-up, our friend Fraker’s pop actually taught at Duke. He’s clearly a Hokie though: Poppa Fraker takes the Hokies by 7.

Good luck all.

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Corey Moore didn’t work? Are you serious? I guess nothing can overcome an offense run by Michael Scott.

So where do we go this week? We could go with Deron, as he has always been a Duke killer.

We could go with Coach K, as he has pretty much decimated any chance the football team has of succeeding.

But no, we have to go with a true devil fighter.

You guessed it.

Father Karras from the Exorcist.

He needs to tell our Offensive Coordinator to quit. “The power of Christ compels you!!”

LET’S GO HOKIES!!!