Archive for the ‘The Sandlot’ Category

Kids Baseball Movie Countdown from 1993 to 1994 – #1 The Sandlot

August 21, 2007

#1 The Sandlot

So here it is. Finally. The gut-wrenching wait is finally over, and our champion is crowned. It is a surprise, to everyone I’m sure, that The Sandlot is the best kids baseball movie made between 1993 and 1994. But its so much more than that. I go so far as to say that it is the best baseball movie of all time. Not even kidding.

What is this movie about? It’s about us. We aren’t Major League Baseball players, and most of us will never even hit that home run to win the big game. That’s what makes the movie so great. You may not remember a random game during league play, but you definitely remember when Robert Horton laid you out in a complete pass interference penalty and you STILL caught the touchdown. The kind of stuff playground legends are made of.

Starring:

Scotty Smalls
Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez
“Ham” Porter
Michael “Squints” Polodorous
Yeah-Yeah
DeNunez (note: Played by the same guy that played Jessie in the Mighty Ducks. This guy may be my idol.)
Bertram
Tommy
Timmy

These are the nine kids. They don’t really have names as far as I’m concerned. They only exist in the Sandlot. Except for maybe Ham (fat goalie in the Big Green) and DeNunez (Jessie in the Mighty Ducks).

Also Starring:

Denis Leary: NOT Kevin Bacon like you thought. Lowest amount of cussing ever done by Leary in a 15 minute period he’s on screen.

James Earl Jones: Second greatest performance of all time next to reading “The Raven” on The Simpsons. Again, I say this completely serious.

Beast: He was the fast one and the dog at the same time.

Plot Summary

Scotty Smalls moves into a new town where he doesn’t know anyone, and it kinda sucks. Who in movie history has ever moved into an awesome town? They never roll in and there’s roller coasters and candy everywhere. It always sucks.

Along comes Benny, a kid who’s remarkably fast despite being called Benny. He takes Smalls under his wing and teaches him how to not suck at life. Smalls starts to fit in, and no longer resembles an L-7 Weenie.

There are many shenanigans involving a dog and a lifeguard, but the main conflict arises when Smalls hits his dad’s Babe Ruth ball over the fence. The kids build 3 or 4 contraptions that NASA would be proud of, but it all came down to Benny just hoping the fence.

The mean old man turns out to be Darth Vader, and all turns out well.

Shaky Premises

Not many here, actually. Aside from the absurb Erector set skills of Scotty Smalls, everything else can make sense. The dog appears huge at the beginning because they are kids and that was their perception. Squints gets the girl cuz he’s a pimp. There are a few, however:

Denis Leary is your dad and you don’t cuss after losing a Babe Ruth ball.

James Earl Jones is blind… or maybe that explains why he needs that helmet in the future…

The pitcher wouldn’t see the guy on third stealing home? Really? The guy is F-I-R-E-D.


Best Lines (too many to list all)

Squints: If you’da been thinkin you wouldn’t ‘a thought that.

Benny: Got a fireplace?
Scotty Smalls: Yeah.
Benny: Throw that in there, man.

Mr. Mertle: I take it back. You’re not in trouble, you’re dead where you stand.
Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!
Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!

Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.
Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Bertram: My God, he looks like a dead fish.

Squints: For-ev-ver!

Timmy: She don’t know what she’s doin’.
Tommy: Yeah she does. She knows exactly what she’s doin’.

Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s’more?
Smalls: Some more of what?
Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s’more?
Smalls: I haven’t had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?
Ham Porter: You’re killing me Smalls!

Final Thoughts

This movie is just incredible, and still feels like a cult hit. You never see any coverage on those movie countdowns, sports related or otherwise. This movie epitomizes what it meant to be a kid. The most important thing in your entire life was catching a ball or playing outside as long as possible. If you don’t remember it, watch it again. If you do remember it, watch it again. Then go play something in the backyard.

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