Archive for the ‘Terps’ Category

HateFest 2009: Why we hate…Maryland

August 20, 2009

Now that CGally got off his ass and posted GA Tech, we can move on to ACC Atlantic.

Ah Maryland. Our dumber and less athletically talented step-brother. So much animosity coming from College Park that the only right thing to do is return the favor.

The Town

College Park blows. It’s kind of a ghetto city that sucks. It’s about half an hour from DC and that’s really the only “nice” thing going for it. Well I take that back. Mrs. Northerner’s brother goes there and he was telling me about a bar that does the whole “Bring your own Mug” nights where you bring your own mug (any size) and they will fill it up with some oat soda for three bucks. I think Blacksburg is the only college town that doesn’t have this sort of deal, so I may be a little bitter.

The School

Their team name is the Terrapins. They are a turtle. Now we can’t be hypocrites here because let’s face it, our mascot is a turkey. But at least we don’t go around thinking we have a tough mascot and that if they came alive, our mascot would kick everyone else’s mascot’s ass. Maryland does. Somehow they have managed to convince the entire student body that turtles are tough. They’re not. I have four turtles as pets. They can take the head off a goldfish and make the tank look like a scene from gladiator, but aside from that they are not tough. Snapping turtles I guess could be considered tough but they are not in the terrapin family so they don’t count.

The Team

Every year they think they’re good. They’re not. They’re mediocre. They get to play in the Champs Sports Bowl or the Meineke Car Care Bowl and nothing else. But don’t tell the students that. They think they are the best thing to ever happen to the ACC and college football.

Let’s move onto their coach. He looks like Grimace. Apparently though, he has lost 150 pounds in the offseason, but yet still is the size of three adult males. But he is apparently BFFs with Beamer so we can’t go too hard on him in case Beamer is reading this and we don’t want to get Frank mad. You wouldn’t like him when he’s mad. Gotta love the way they show their friendship though. Yay let’s hang out and play a football game! Wait, what? Frank why did you beat us 55-6? I thought we were friends!?

Anyways, other than that, they have won two National Championships and 11 ACC Championships, however the first NC (1951) was shared with four other teams and the second one (1953) was shared with two other teams. The ACC Championships were all won before the 1990s, with the last one being in 1985. Since then we have won 3 in 5 years.

The Fans/Alumni

So now we get to their fans and alumni. The problem with their fans is just what I explained above. They think they’re the shit but they’re not. They think they can take anyone, anywhere, anytime. But they can’t. They’re decent at basketball, but yet still get owned by ACC teams. They have a self-righteous “we’re better than you” attitude but can never back it up. They are the ACC’s biggest posers. However, that being said, when you engage their students and alumni in conversation other than college sports, they are actually very nice people. They’re fun to be around and easy to get along with. But just remember to never say a word about college sports because the conversation will all go right in the toilet.


This goes back to the terrapin thing. Remember the commercial that they have during football games where they do all the campus shots and blah blah blah and then end it with the line of turtles that turn into the sphere and then the turtle roars? It was funny the first time. Then it got a little old. And it would be funnier if they meant it in an ironic way, but they didn’t. I’m fairly certain that roughly half the school thinks that turtles can actually roar.

I have to admit something. I am stuck in a somewhat unfortunate position. While my newlywed wife is a Hokie alum, the majority of her family is not. Her father, mother, and one of her two brothers are UMD alumni. So my animosity really comes from the fact that I will never be able to escape the UMD fans. If we win I have to deal with the sulking and start handing out Zoloft like it’s tic-tacs. If we lose, I won’t hear the end of it. It’s very stressful. Though, I guess it could be worse. They could have gone to WVU. But if that was the case the wedding probably would have never taken place.