Weekend Recap: WOOOOOOO Version

The N allowed a special exemption to have your humble editor to jump on the weekend recap. I apologize for the delay, but I doubt any letters will reach our inbox. (If you feel like writing, please use as many curse words as possible, and write in all caps.)

Onto this weekend, not that anything special happened. Except for…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Yes, my beloved Penguins did what many deemed impossible. Sidney, Geno, and everyone else FINALLY got that Stanley Cup they’ve waited 5 years to hoist. There will clearly be a more substantial post on the accomplishment at a later time. But I don’t see how anyone that watched the last period can possibly say they can’t get into hockey. I know it was my team and all, but good lord. A crossbar to keep the lead in game 7 with 2 minutes left? Dead people had heart attacks watching that. And Hossa? You know I kinda feel ba… BAAAAAAAAH. His tears sustain me. Again, much, much more to come.

Another Championship. There was some sort of basketball contest or something this weekend too. We know we give the NBA a pretty big snub here, but we can say succinctly that we hate the Lakers. Thus, this series gets a big “whatevs” from us. Maybe if Penny Hardaway was still on the Magic, we would have paid attention. But those 4th quarters were unbearable. I’ve seen less timeouts at a daycare.

The final nail in the coffin for Detroit. Bill Laimbeer resigns as coach of WNBA’s Detroit Shock. Adjust your WNBA Fantasy Coach lineup accordingly.

Less important news than the WNBA… The Plaxico hearing has been delayed until September, which likely means he will not be playing football this season. The real lesson here is simple kids: buy a freaking holster, right? We’re not sure how this affects the Giants as a football team, but boy is Tom Coughlin’s face red ba-dum-ching. They’ll still beat the Redskins, have no fear.

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To be honest, that’s all I could find while at work today. It seemed to be a slow sports weekend other than the two championships. It may also be because I just woke up from Friday night. Anyone seen my pants?

Must Win 2.0

And here we are again. Pittsburgh – Detroit, game 4. The exact same storyline from a year ago. Pittsburgh wins, the series is wide open. Detroit wins and it’s pretty much over. The only difference is that this time around, Hossa’s a douche.

After almost 2 months of drinking our faces off every other night, tonight’s game is do or die for the entire season.

Are the refs going to call interference penaltys on Detroit? Can Crosby figure what the hell is wrong with him? Is Chris Osgood still going to be a tool bag?

One of those is certain to happen. The other two are yet to be seen.

8 pm. Versus.

Kick the tires and light the fires, it’s a hockey night in Pittsburgh!!

Do it.

Did you say "over"??

In a span of 27 hours, the Penguins took us from super pumped to pretty bummed. You’re kidding yourself if you think I’m going to offer any analysis on the games.

But game 3 is back at the Mellon, and we’ve seen this fish before. Ask the Caps how strong they feel about a 2-0 lead. (Granted, Detroit has more than a cherry-picking superstar on their roster.)

But make no mistake. This is a must-win game.

And I could be stereotypical and throw up a corny, overused inspirational video, but The North End Zone is better than that.

Oh wait, we’re not? Well, f*ck it then:

Bluto’s Speech

Hero me down one time.

Do it.

Hat Trickeration

Bitch, please.

Last night was not the best night for someone to go with Evgeni Malkin for Penguins drinking. Three full beers (one for each goal) and a shot of Red Label (for the hat trick) and our Rock Band drummer couldn’t keep the beat to Ol’ Suzanna.

Malkin put in three as the Pens won in the closest 7-4 game in history. He also caused 26 premature births in the Pittsburgh area when he scored this unreal goal:

As usual, things got a little chippy near the end. From the looks of things, Miroslav Satan seems to be enjoying himself.

Now its off to Raleigh, up 2-0. I’d feel more confident about this if I didn’t just witness a 2-0 lead evaporate.

In less important news, Detroit is also up 2-0 heading to Chicago. They still have Hossa, who is still a douche.

A house prepares their livers for another playoff series…

Yes, the house’s kegerator (Sig, as we call him) is once again stocked as a new round of the NHL playoffs descends upon us. Does anyone out there care? Probably not. But we like to brag about our abilities to drink heavily on Mondays, and by God we’re going to do it.

The Penguins take on Carolina tonight in game one of the Eastern Conference finals. As I already hate one team named the Hurricanes, I’ve found it fairly easy to get pumped for this series.

There’s a few plot lines here:

• Two Staal brothers are playing against each other. But since there’s 15 Staal brothers in the league, it really shouldn’t be too big of a deal.
• Brooks Orpik for the Penguins broke some guys’ neck on the Canes a while back. I’m sure all is forgiven and they play poker every Thursday.
• A team from the South has a chance to win the Stanley Cup… again. When will this stop?

We’re working on the assumption that The N is rooting for his once glorious Whalers. Also, he hates me.

In the West, where God doesn’t pay attention, the Red Wings rolled the Blackhawks in game 1. Whatevs.

We need to take care of business professionally.

Go Pens

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

The Penguins have defeated the Capitals in 7 games.

In other news, the bar across the street in Cleveland had both Versus and $1 Coors Lights. WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

And NHL ’94 was surprisingly accurate.

So it’s come to this: Pens-Caps to decide fate of the world

You know what’s awesome? Game 7’s. You know what’s not awesome? Your team being in a game 7. We’ve needed a drink since about 7 pm yesterday, right around the time we woke up from the heartbreak of game 6.

If you haven’t watched any of this series, you have missed TNT levels of drama. We can’t implore you enough that you have to watch tonight. Though, based on our simulation via NHL ’94, the Penguins will win 16 – 7. At least we know it will be high scoring.

Your humble editor will be watching from a bar in Cleveland. Luckily, the city is 90% Steeler fans, so I’m pretty confident in finding a few Penguin supporters.

7pm on Versus.

Let’s kick the tires and light the fires! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

LET’S GO PENS!

Overtime means never having to say you’re sorry…

…for coming into work late.

Yes, hockey fans were treated to two overtime games last night. The Penguin-Caps game was one for the ages. A last minute (or two) goal, a long overtime session, and the greatest stunned picture of all time.

(He’s a ginger. He has no soul.)

The Caps are still up 2-1 with game 4 in Pittsburgh on Friday. Getcha popcorn ready.

We decided to play Rock Band instead of watch the rest of the Boston-Carolina game. I still stand by this decision. Carolina came out on top, putting them up 2-1.

Unlike the N, I am not rooting for Boston. It’s nothing personal. They are just really good at hockey and I don’t want the Penguins to play them. (Also, I hate the N, so I guess it’s kind of personal.)

In the Western Conference, Gordon Bombay has the Ducks up 2-1 on the Red Wings. And Vancouver is up 2-1 on Chicago. Oh, Canada! indeed.

Welcome to the middle of the NHL playoffs. Other than the first weekend of the NCAA tournament, you’d be hard pressed to find anything more exciting.

The Penguins Only Hope

We know, we know. The North End Zone does not do a preview for the Stanley Cup and everything goes to hell. It’s all our fault. Stop yelling at Adam Hall (even though we haven’t stopped… get us some Jeff Taffe!!).

Word is the Penguins were spotted in Pittsburgh just after the final whistle last night. The rumors are pretty believable, because they certainly didn’t show up in Detroit.

Well now it’s a little late for a preview. We’re already in a hole so deep that not even the skills of one Adam “Cake Eater” Banks could pull us out. So it’s time to get desperate.

Over at the Pensblog, each game is designated a hero. Whether Red and Andy from Shawshank or President Thomas J. Whitmore who saved us from the aliens, there’s always someone to lead us.

But times are too trying. We need the nuclear bomb. We need none other than:

Capt. SIG HANSEN of the Northwestern

To think that we may have never known Sig if not for the Discovery Channel is pretty scary. Though Sig would only be considered a green-horn on a boat captained by Gary Roberts, Sig is the leader of the greatest crab boat of all time. All. Time. (Technically, all the boats in which Jesus was involved were fishing boats.)

We will look to Sig for guidance. Game three is obviously a must win. And the 4 shots we had in game two will not get it done. Sig will know where to drop the pots. He’ll guide us in the choppy seas. Get that man a ticket.

Game three. LET’S GO PENS!!!!

The Obligatory "Let’s Go Pens!" Post

As some of you know, your humble editor here at The North End Zone is a die-hard Pittsburgh Penguins fan. Contrast that with your humble guy that never posts anything DiP, who is a “meh” Flyers fan. Well, it seems as though our teams are about to do battle atop the mountain that is the NHL’s Eastern Conference. So here’s my list of reasons why the Penguins will be the Flyers. (If DiP wants to respond, he’ll have to figure out how to post first.)

1. Music – Pittsburgh has rock stars like Donnie Iris and Charlie Daniels sing about the city. Philly has pretty boys (boyz?) Boyz II Men singing “Motown Philly”. Yeesh.

2. Movies – Pittsburgh has Sudden Death. Really, there’s nothing more that needs to be said.

3. # of statues of fictional sports heroes: Pittsburgh – 0, Philly – 1. We prefer ours to be real.

4. Other sports teams in the city – too easy

5. Colors – Black and Gold trumps all. Everywhere. And the Penguins made a slight alteration in the gold to make is MORE badass. (Reports that the cloth Mary gave to Jesus was actually a Terrible Towel could not be confirmed.)

6. Years Andy Van Slyke was in town: Pittsburgh – 8, Philly – 1.

7. Television – Pittsburgh has Mr. Rogers. That’s right: Mr.-freaking-Rogers. Philly? They have the opening song in the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. You know, the show about a city so rampant in crime that a rapper had to move away. (I would like a chicken sandwhich, to go. Anyone? Anyone?)

8. Food – Our staple (Primanti’s) isn’t overrated.

9. # of Pensblogs dedicated to your team: Pittsburgh – 1, Philly – 0. Seriously, if you are not reading this site you are missing out.

10. Billy Tibbetts once punched an opposing player on the bench. Roberts, Laraque, and Gill think he’s a pansy.

There you go. 10 clearly solid reasons why Pittsburgh will win this series. Not much more to say but…

LET’S GO PENS!!!