Archive for the ‘Opening Night’ Category

Game 1: Alabama Preview

September 4, 2009


The ‘Bama game is here and it’s spectacular.

#5 vs. #7. Your grandchildren will hear stories about this game. Your girlfriend might leave or marry you based on this game. Your psychiatrist will note this as the turning point in your life. Your parole officer will be assigned after this game.

There are already a million Tech fans in Atlanta right now. Everyone is going to this game. While it may not be Lane Stadium, it’ll be freaking loud. And if the sound guy is ballzy enough to put on some “Enter Sandman”, the roof will blow off.

We didn’t include Alabama in our Hatefest series. We don’t really have any reason to hate them. But that all changes right now.

The last time we heard from Bama fans was when 90,000 people showed up for their Spring Game. All this tells us is that no one in Alabama has a job.

Not that you can blame them. There is NOTHING to do in Alabama. The greatest accomplishments in the state? They have a song that is more cliché than using The Fray in your movie trailer. They were featured briefly in Forest Gump. And… well that’s about it. They had some famous coach along time ago. Too bad no one gives a shit.


The Bad Guys

As you most likely heard, one of their players, Brandon Deaderick, was shot this past week… f***ing shot! He has since returned to practice!! He won’t play on Saturday, which is good for us, because he’s apparently the offspring of the pimpest man alive, Sig Hansen.

As for the rest of the Alabama team… well they are kind of good.

They had a redonkulous defense last year, and they will probably be pretty money again. They return 9 starters.

Get ready to hear the name “Terrence Cody”, he’s Alabama’s nose tackle. The guy is 6’5”, 354 lbs!

He won’t get many sacks, since Tyrod can run faster than a manatee. But he will no doubt be a factor in the run game. We may have to (gasp!) run outside.

Apparently they are the Virginia Tech of the SEC, because their offense blows ass. They return only 5 players: 3 wide receivers and 2 linemen. That leaves a lot of inexperience in the other 3 linemen and a somewhat important position, quarterback. Greg McElroy will make his first start under center. He has thrown exactly 20 passes in actual games, and is also an incredible douche*.

*He attends an SEC school, so this is assumed.

Also, this guy went there:

He majored in cheeseburgers.


The Hokies

As for your Virginia Tech Hokies, we are freaking awesome. We return everyone.

Sure, Darren Evans got hurt, but we’ll be fine. We love Evans and all, but when was the last time we had a running back not succeed here? (Screw you, Imoh.)

Sergio Render is a pimp. Jason Worilds is nasty. And the dual K/Cam engine on defense will crush anyone.


The Game

Everyone will talk about the play of Tyrod Taylor being the deciding factor. But as long as he doesn’t throw 4 interceptions with 2 going back for touchdowns (known as pulling a Glennon), it won’t much matter what he does. This game is going to come down to defense.

If the over/under is less than 14, take the under. This is going to be a boring, boring game folks. While we would never condone drinking alcohol of any kind (HA!), a few beers on hand would probably be a good call. Your humble editor, The Northerner, and the DiP will be nice and toasty come game time. We’re not watching as a group or anything. We’re just all alcoholics.


Your Pump Up Song of the Week (other than Metallica)

If you’re on Facebook, your newsfeed is filled with 100 different entrance videos. Since you can’t actually pump “Enter Sandman” at your tailgate for 3 hours straight, allow us to give you one song that will get you psyched enough to spend a weekend in Atlanta.

Gravesmakers and Gunslingers by Coheed and Cambria

You may not have heard it before, but I dare you to listen to it and not want to tackle the next person you see.


It’s that time. Your first hero for the season.

We didn’t want to go with the usual for this game, since this isn’t a usual game. We can’t go with Steven Hiller. We can’t go with Sig. We can’t even go with Bear.

We need a badass that takes matters into his own hands. We need….

…Liam Neeson in Taken.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Guess how that turned out.

That’s also the transcript of Beamer’s last conversation with Saban. Except for the “daughter” part.


Biggest game of your life. Nothing else happens on Saturday.

Go Hokies!!!

Weekend Recap

April 6, 2009

This weekend brought out the first real sign that spring was coming, in that the weather was warm, the ground was drying and the trees were starting to bud. Then that day ended and here we are in the cold, windy, rainy present, waiting for this shit to end. Let’s get to the recap.

1. Michigan State upended UConn to make it to the Championship game tonight. It was a close game up until UConn decided they were tired and wanted to go home. Too bad that happened halfway through the second half. Rumors are that this may have been Calhoun’s last game. I mean he only beat cancer thrice, looks thin and malnourished, and missed the first round of the tournament while he was laid up in the hospital.

2. Villanova left a nice big steamer on the court while UNC beat them up. The only thing I have to say about this (and the other game) is that all the people who were saying the Big East is the best conference in college basketball can suck a fat one, because you may have had two teams in the Final Four, but they both got EMBARASSED by their opponents. It isn’t quantity, it’s quality. Our loss by two points to UNC feels a helluva lot better now that they’re going to win the National Championship. I wonder if Villanova feels the same way.

3. Louisville beat Oklahoma in the final seconds of the first game of the Women’s Final Four. I wouldn’t be discussing this, you know because it’s women’s basketball, if it weren’t for the dumbass Courtney Paris, who guaranteed a National Championship or she would pay her scholarship back. Now she owes the University of Oklahoma $64,000, just like every other non-athlete at OU. And pretty much everyone else who went to college in America. Boo hoo.

4. Baseball’s here! Opening night was last night, and the Braves beat the defending WS champs , the Phillies. Derek Lowe looked great and Brett Myers looked effing awful. He gave up three home runs in the first two innings. What a way to start the year, buddy! The Braves’ closer almost blew it for them by allowing a run and then having the tying run come up to the plate, but he somehow got out of it and got the W for Lowe, which helps out my fantasy team. Red Sox play the Drays today at 2. GO SOX!

5. At the risk of having too much college basketball in this post, Blake Griffin won the Naismith Award for being the best college basketball player this year. Kinda sucks Hansbrough didn’t win, because he really was the best, spent four year at his respective school, and will more than likely win the National Championship tonight, but giving it to a sophomore who will leave his school after this year for the draft and couldn’t get his team past the Elite 8, while getting beat by UNC and Hansbrough himself seems justified, too.

6. Carrie Underwood won Entertainer of the Year last night at the Academy of Country Music Awards. I know this isn’t sports related, but she is real hot. As in the hottest woman in the world. There is no debating that. It’s a fact. She’s really the only redeeming thing about American Idol.

UPDATE: Katherine McPhee is also redeeming for American Idol. She’s hot too.

I’m just going to stare at her picture for awhile. Here’s a few more just for fun.