Archive for the ‘Miami sucks’ Category

Why We Hate… Miami

August 29, 2009
Hot damn, that is my favorite picture of all time. Even more than the Paulus teabag.

Why do we hate Miami? Because they suck.


The Town
It’s a school in Miami, and Miami is kind of awesome. There are no bikini clad girls roaming around Blacksburg in February, so we are pretty envious. But all that means is that we hate them more.

Luckily, we get to visit once a year to play in the Orange Bowl. I think the Canes played in Toronto last year.


The School
Does anyone actually go to this school? Have you ever met a graduate?

The University of Miami is best known for… being in Miami.

They also play in “Land Shark Stadium.” Is this a joke? The stadium is named after Jimmy Buffet’s beer. I know people out there are big fans of Jimmy, and that’s fine. But you know what doesn’t impose fear into the hearts of visiting opponents? Cheeseburger in Paradise.


The Fans
As mentioned, there are no actual students. We’re fairly certain every fan of this team is a townie.

At least WVU has devoted townie fans. Cane fans are, without a doubt, the worst fans in the country. They aren’t jackasses or anything. They are the worst because they don’t support a team that has won 5 national titles since 1983.

Traveling to Miami is as intimidating as going to grandma’s for Thanksgiving. Teams prepare for the noise level by putting a small radio playing NPR near the practice field.


The Team
As mentioned, Miami has won 5 national titles. They have been pretty damn impressive.

But no one cares where you’ve been. And they suck pretty damn bad right now. They are the Nebraska of the ACC.

This is a team that fired Larry Coker. The man won a national title and went 60-15 in six seasons. Randy Shannon has gone 12-13. Good move guys.

There is quite a history of hate between the Hokies and the Canes. The 31 point drubbing in ’99. The 27-7 abortion of a game in ’05. The dropped 2-point conversion in ’01.

Tech’s history with Miami did not begin well. But after losing the first 12 match-ups, Tech has taken 9 of 14 since 1995. Suck on that, Cane douchers.


The U.

Sweet Jesus, is there anything more annoying from fans you’ve never met?

“OMFG you have the word ‘university’ in your name!! You guys are totally the only ‘U’ in the country!”

Other teams that could claim to be “The U”:

  • Temple University
  • West Virginia State University
  • Northeastern University
  • James Madison University

That last one was a joke. No one cares about JMU enough to give it a nickname.

Oh, and the Canes got into a brawl with Florida International. Need I say more?

Quarterback U now losing them two at a time

August 25, 2009

Just in time for our HateFest on schools from Florida week.

According to CollegeFootballTalk:

Yesterday at this time, Miami of Florida had three players vying to become the backup to Jacory Harris at quarterback.

Today, that number has been suddenly and unexpectedly slashed to one.

Both Taylor Cook and Cannon Smith (Ed. note: Think his father wanted him to be a QB?) — via his father — have told the Miami Herald that they are transferring from Coral Gables.

Well this leaves true freshman AJ Highsmith as the only backup to Jacory Harris. Ruh roh. Better hope that Harris’ knees and ankles stay healthy this season, ‘Canes, because you might be battling Duke for the saddest sack-of-shit team in the ACC. I cannot wait for Sept 26th.

Speaking of which, does anyone have two tickets for the VT/Miami game? The ball-and-chain and I plan on making our glorious return to Blacksburg that weekend and are in the market for some tickets. You can get in touch with me via the comment section or through the email on the right hand side of the page.

Hatefest 2009

July 7, 2009

Many philosophers have attempted to explain the human race’s love affair with sports. Is it the competition? The team atmosphere? The feeling of community?

But alas, the answer is simple: HATE.

There is nothing better than that feeling of completely and utterly crushing your opponent into the mud… except when that opponent happens to be a hated rival.

As put best by Will Blythe (author of a Duke-UNC rivalry book), “To hate like this is to be happy forever.”

We all hate. We hate so many teams (our list came out to 23) for so many different reasons. Some are obvious (UVA). Some a little more nuanced (JMU). Some are because of the fans (WVU, Maryland, Pitt…trails off). Some are because of the uppity-ness of the school (Duke). Some are because of their success (USC). Hell, some are because of the band (JMU, again). And some are because of the “memories” they left us with (Radford).

But whatever the reason, the hate feels good. And in the doldrums of summer, we see no reason not to indulge ourselves in a little 8-week hate fest.

Yes, we only have 8 weeks to go (give or take a few days) until kickoff. Each week we will present you with a new category and group of schools:

Week 1: Mid-Majors or Less
Yes, we can hate on the little guys: ECU, Temple, JMU

Week 2: Big Names We Never Play
Some because of jealousy; some are because Charlie Weis is fat: Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame

Week 3: Big Names We’ve Sometimes Played
Lately, the results have not been pretty: USC, Auburn, LSU

Week 4: Big East Teams
The only way we could hate them more is if we had alimony payments: WVU, Pitt, Syracuse

Week 5: ACC Coastal
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke

Week 6: ACC Atlantic
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: BC, Maryland, NC State, Clemson

Week 7: Teams from America’s Wang
We hated these teams long before a few were in our conference: Miami, Florida, Florida State

Week 8: UVA


But we can’t do this alone. Please feel free to email us any stories you may have that have led to your bitter hatred of any team.

Don’t worry if your hated school isn’t on the list. Did a girlfriend leave you for a douche from Colorado? We want it. Are you our Carnegie Mellon Super Scientific Football Analyst and hate Greensburg Technical School for the Blind? Send in your seething description of why. Heck, if you really really hate Syracuse, we’ll let you guest blog.

So get your entries in. Hatefest 2009 starts on Monday.

Note the tags on this post. All but “Hatefest 2009” has been used at some point in our humble site’s young career.

ACC Tournament: Quarterfinals

March 13, 2009
Miami game recap:

UNC game preview:

You have to believe.

ACC Tournament: First Round

March 12, 2009
Not much too say, other than Miami sucks and the ESPN live scoreboard has never meant so much to us.

Almost game time in the Georgia Dome.

Salvation lies within.



Game 10: Miami Hurricanes both suck and blow

November 13, 2008
Even though we technically gave our Maryland recap, we will admit it was maybe a little concise. Even for our standards. So here goes.

In a word:

Once again, it is confirmed that there is NOTHING like a Thursday night in Blacksburg. The atmosphere was electric. It was amazing to watch. Well done, Hokie Nation.

So what went so right this game? Plainly put, our offense had to use a different game plan than our usual suck.

We were changing things up. Using different formations. It was a thing of beauty.

Granted, we still only scored 23 points, but with this offense, that’s something to write home about.

And Evans? Pssh, straight rolling. Dude is trucking people like it’s his job. In the words of Rube Baker, “You’re on the tracks and the train’s coming through, butthead.”

His shimmy makes girls in Blacksburg go wild.

We’ve already covered Boone extensively. We’re pretty sure he’s the best QB we’ve had under center since….

We could be about the 37th person to call the crazy formation the Wild Turkey and suggest you take a shot of the namesake whenever you see it used. But if you think this will make you forget how bad the offense looks, well you’d probably be correct.

Glennon played ok, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO. Just don’t screw it up man, that’s all we ask. We’re not asking you to save the world. We have Al Gore for that.

The defense was stellar again. 13 points. We’ll take it every time. Sorry your back is hurting, Coach Foster. It’s quite a heavy load Mr. Stinespring heaps upon you.

A few more dumb penalties than we’d like to see, but we fought through.

So until next time Maryland, take care. We’ll be back to beat you in basketball soon enough.

We’re better than you in both.


So on to this week.

We know Miami is down and everything, but good lord, we still hate them with the fire of 1,000 suns.

Every player. Every coach. Every fan. Everyone ever involved in the program. Nothing but hate for ya’ll

And this game could not be bigger. This is the key to the Coastal Division. We win, we still have to win our last two. But if we lose? It’s over folks. Say hello to a bowl somewhere between the Gator Bowl, Chick-fil-a Bowl, or some dot-com bowl.

This team is a little like us. Same record. Same bad losses. Same decent wins. They are just much more douchey.

Expect a close, hard hitting game with many ups and downs. We’re kind of awful on the road this year, so prepare to be frustrated. The best cure for that would be a better offense, but a more practical cure is more alcohol.

At least two players have a history together. It seems that Cam Chancellor and Miami QB Robert Marve used to play peewee’s together. Marve was a kick returner back then. We have uncovered the exclusive video.

Oh, then there was this:

Best. Picture. Ever.

Nothing but hate.



Let’s hit up those crazy predictions.

Last week resulted in a tie between The Bull and The Northerner, both only off by 4 points. They mud wrestled to break the tie, and everyone watching lost.

To celebrate the victory over the turtles, you’re trophy is a copy of the original NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game.

Speaking of blowing…

We don’t care who gets to keep it. You’ll both die as soon as you get to the water level anyways.

Harder than Intermediate Accounting.


Now let’s hit up this week:

C Gally: 22 – 19 VT (Does any one else notice how terrible I am at this?)

The Northerner: 24 – 13 VT

The Bull: 20 – 14 VT

CMU Football Analyst: 23 – 14 VT while really stretching to say it will be a boring game.

Wright: 21 – 20 VT

Lady Wright: 21 – 10 VT

B-Dubs: 24 – 14 VT

G Way: 20 – 13 VT

The DiP: 23 – 17 VT

Maniak: 24 – 13 VT

Poppa Gally: 27 – 6 VT, and you know the drill. If Tech blocks 3 kicks, the bar is drinking on me.

And our guest visitor for this week is Maniak’s Miami alumni boss. Without knowing anything about him, we have already established the hate. However, his very honest prediction of 20 – 10 VT does show some promise.

Good luck to everyone named C Gally.


Did anyone not think Bullitt was going to come through for us? Hell no. We don’t even know why they play the game. It was over when we clicked “Post”.

And once again, the game gets bigger. But where do we go from here?

We go back to the reason your humble editor attended Virginia Tech. 1999 Miami game. After going down 10 – 0, Tech rattled off 43 straight points and went on to an undefeated season. It was a night game. I was a sophomore in high school and knew where I was going to college. It was a good feeling.

And who from that team is the greatest football player to ever set foot on Worsham Field?

You guessed it.

Corey Moore

The guy defines Hokie football. He also loves beating Miami. His first names is not only awesome, but spelled correctly.


How Will the Hokies Finish?

November 7, 2007

Everyone fully recovered from the BC loss? After the huge win over GT, the team made it known they were and that there would be no late season meltdown the Hokies have accustomed themselves to over the past decade. So, how do the Hokies finish?

Next up: FSU – For whatever reason, fans keep bringing up the fact we haven’t beaten Bowden’s Noles in over 30 years. What they forget is that we haven’t played them every year for the past 30 years; just three times, all of which were played outside of Lane Stadium. This game means a lot, no doubt, but it wouldn’t hurt to lose it – Ws over Miami and UVA in following weeks would be enough to get us to the ACC title game. That being said, FSU has plenty of playmakers and Weatherford has already shown that when he gets hot, it can be trouble for opposing teams. Regardless, if the Hokies of GT can show up this week, it will be good night Seminoles. Protection of the QB, Pass rush, and Protection of the football will win us the game. Let’s see if Stiney is given full control of the offense again this week. Last week, Beamer gave him full control (something he has never had) and look what happened. Let’s see if there is a repeat. VT – 23, FSU – 10

On deck: Miami – Let’s get it straight. This team looks AWFUL. It really wouldn’t surprise me to see the Canes lose to BooVA this weekend in the last game ever at the Orange Bowl. You think they regret firing Coker yet? Bottom line: Vince Hall will be back against these guys and it will be this awesome group of seniors’ last game in Lane Stadium and there is no scenario where they should lose. Miami is lost and they will be no closer to being found when they make the trip to Blacksburg. VT – 24, UM – 7

In the hole: Virginia – OK, so this game is getting bigger by the weekend and by the time the Hokies visit Charlottesville, the Coastal Division may be up for grabs. Don’t get me wrong, UVA has gotten as many breaks as one could possibly get with out thinking the refs are throwing the games, but this game might actually be worth something. I wonder how Al Groh was able to get the college football gods on his side like this? Prediction: The Hokies are too fast and will already be on a roll having crushed the state of Florida 47-17. By this time, the OLine should be at least steady and the defense will be at its peak while Tyrod is finally feeling what it’s like to decimate the fragile, wine and cheese eating Hoos. While the Hokies cruise into the ACC title, the Hoos are left wondering what they should pack for Boise. Coat and ties get crushed, but by then Groh’s job is at least safe for another five years! VT – 35, Pansies – 10