Archive for the ‘Maryland sucks’ Category

HateFest 2009: Why we hate…Maryland

August 20, 2009

Now that CGally got off his ass and posted GA Tech, we can move on to ACC Atlantic.

Ah Maryland. Our dumber and less athletically talented step-brother. So much animosity coming from College Park that the only right thing to do is return the favor.

The Town

College Park blows. It’s kind of a ghetto city that sucks. It’s about half an hour from DC and that’s really the only “nice” thing going for it. Well I take that back. Mrs. Northerner’s brother goes there and he was telling me about a bar that does the whole “Bring your own Mug” nights where you bring your own mug (any size) and they will fill it up with some oat soda for three bucks. I think Blacksburg is the only college town that doesn’t have this sort of deal, so I may be a little bitter.

The School

Their team name is the Terrapins. They are a turtle. Now we can’t be hypocrites here because let’s face it, our mascot is a turkey. But at least we don’t go around thinking we have a tough mascot and that if they came alive, our mascot would kick everyone else’s mascot’s ass. Maryland does. Somehow they have managed to convince the entire student body that turtles are tough. They’re not. I have four turtles as pets. They can take the head off a goldfish and make the tank look like a scene from gladiator, but aside from that they are not tough. Snapping turtles I guess could be considered tough but they are not in the terrapin family so they don’t count.

The Team

Every year they think they’re good. They’re not. They’re mediocre. They get to play in the Champs Sports Bowl or the Meineke Car Care Bowl and nothing else. But don’t tell the students that. They think they are the best thing to ever happen to the ACC and college football.

Let’s move onto their coach. He looks like Grimace. Apparently though, he has lost 150 pounds in the offseason, but yet still is the size of three adult males. But he is apparently BFFs with Beamer so we can’t go too hard on him in case Beamer is reading this and we don’t want to get Frank mad. You wouldn’t like him when he’s mad. Gotta love the way they show their friendship though. Yay let’s hang out and play a football game! Wait, what? Frank why did you beat us 55-6? I thought we were friends!?

Anyways, other than that, they have won two National Championships and 11 ACC Championships, however the first NC (1951) was shared with four other teams and the second one (1953) was shared with two other teams. The ACC Championships were all won before the 1990s, with the last one being in 1985. Since then we have won 3 in 5 years.

The Fans/Alumni

So now we get to their fans and alumni. The problem with their fans is just what I explained above. They think they’re the shit but they’re not. They think they can take anyone, anywhere, anytime. But they can’t. They’re decent at basketball, but yet still get owned by ACC teams. They have a self-righteous “we’re better than you” attitude but can never back it up. They are the ACC’s biggest posers. However, that being said, when you engage their students and alumni in conversation other than college sports, they are actually very nice people. They’re fun to be around and easy to get along with. But just remember to never say a word about college sports because the conversation will all go right in the toilet.


This goes back to the terrapin thing. Remember the commercial that they have during football games where they do all the campus shots and blah blah blah and then end it with the line of turtles that turn into the sphere and then the turtle roars? It was funny the first time. Then it got a little old. And it would be funnier if they meant it in an ironic way, but they didn’t. I’m fairly certain that roughly half the school thinks that turtles can actually roar.

I have to admit something. I am stuck in a somewhat unfortunate position. While my newlywed wife is a Hokie alum, the majority of her family is not. Her father, mother, and one of her two brothers are UMD alumni. So my animosity really comes from the fact that I will never be able to escape the UMD fans. If we win I have to deal with the sulking and start handing out Zoloft like it’s tic-tacs. If we lose, I won’t hear the end of it. It’s very stressful. Though, I guess it could be worse. They could have gone to WVU. But if that was the case the wedding probably would have never taken place.

Hatefest 2009

July 7, 2009

Many philosophers have attempted to explain the human race’s love affair with sports. Is it the competition? The team atmosphere? The feeling of community?

But alas, the answer is simple: HATE.

There is nothing better than that feeling of completely and utterly crushing your opponent into the mud… except when that opponent happens to be a hated rival.

As put best by Will Blythe (author of a Duke-UNC rivalry book), “To hate like this is to be happy forever.”

We all hate. We hate so many teams (our list came out to 23) for so many different reasons. Some are obvious (UVA). Some a little more nuanced (JMU). Some are because of the fans (WVU, Maryland, Pitt…trails off). Some are because of the uppity-ness of the school (Duke). Some are because of their success (USC). Hell, some are because of the band (JMU, again). And some are because of the “memories” they left us with (Radford).

But whatever the reason, the hate feels good. And in the doldrums of summer, we see no reason not to indulge ourselves in a little 8-week hate fest.

Yes, we only have 8 weeks to go (give or take a few days) until kickoff. Each week we will present you with a new category and group of schools:

Week 1: Mid-Majors or Less
Yes, we can hate on the little guys: ECU, Temple, JMU

Week 2: Big Names We Never Play
Some because of jealousy; some are because Charlie Weis is fat: Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame

Week 3: Big Names We’ve Sometimes Played
Lately, the results have not been pretty: USC, Auburn, LSU

Week 4: Big East Teams
The only way we could hate them more is if we had alimony payments: WVU, Pitt, Syracuse

Week 5: ACC Coastal
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke

Week 6: ACC Atlantic
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: BC, Maryland, NC State, Clemson

Week 7: Teams from America’s Wang
We hated these teams long before a few were in our conference: Miami, Florida, Florida State

Week 8: UVA


But we can’t do this alone. Please feel free to email us any stories you may have that have led to your bitter hatred of any team.

Don’t worry if your hated school isn’t on the list. Did a girlfriend leave you for a douche from Colorado? We want it. Are you our Carnegie Mellon Super Scientific Football Analyst and hate Greensburg Technical School for the Blind? Send in your seething description of why. Heck, if you really really hate Syracuse, we’ll let you guest blog.

So get your entries in. Hatefest 2009 starts on Monday.

Note the tags on this post. All but “Hatefest 2009” has been used at some point in our humble site’s young career.

Game 10: Miami Hurricanes both suck and blow

November 13, 2008
Even though we technically gave our Maryland recap, we will admit it was maybe a little concise. Even for our standards. So here goes.

In a word:

Once again, it is confirmed that there is NOTHING like a Thursday night in Blacksburg. The atmosphere was electric. It was amazing to watch. Well done, Hokie Nation.

So what went so right this game? Plainly put, our offense had to use a different game plan than our usual suck.

We were changing things up. Using different formations. It was a thing of beauty.

Granted, we still only scored 23 points, but with this offense, that’s something to write home about.

And Evans? Pssh, straight rolling. Dude is trucking people like it’s his job. In the words of Rube Baker, “You’re on the tracks and the train’s coming through, butthead.”

His shimmy makes girls in Blacksburg go wild.

We’ve already covered Boone extensively. We’re pretty sure he’s the best QB we’ve had under center since….

We could be about the 37th person to call the crazy formation the Wild Turkey and suggest you take a shot of the namesake whenever you see it used. But if you think this will make you forget how bad the offense looks, well you’d probably be correct.

Glennon played ok, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO. Just don’t screw it up man, that’s all we ask. We’re not asking you to save the world. We have Al Gore for that.

The defense was stellar again. 13 points. We’ll take it every time. Sorry your back is hurting, Coach Foster. It’s quite a heavy load Mr. Stinespring heaps upon you.

A few more dumb penalties than we’d like to see, but we fought through.

So until next time Maryland, take care. We’ll be back to beat you in basketball soon enough.

We’re better than you in both.


So on to this week.

We know Miami is down and everything, but good lord, we still hate them with the fire of 1,000 suns.

Every player. Every coach. Every fan. Everyone ever involved in the program. Nothing but hate for ya’ll

And this game could not be bigger. This is the key to the Coastal Division. We win, we still have to win our last two. But if we lose? It’s over folks. Say hello to a bowl somewhere between the Gator Bowl, Chick-fil-a Bowl, or some dot-com bowl.

This team is a little like us. Same record. Same bad losses. Same decent wins. They are just much more douchey.

Expect a close, hard hitting game with many ups and downs. We’re kind of awful on the road this year, so prepare to be frustrated. The best cure for that would be a better offense, but a more practical cure is more alcohol.

At least two players have a history together. It seems that Cam Chancellor and Miami QB Robert Marve used to play peewee’s together. Marve was a kick returner back then. We have uncovered the exclusive video.

Oh, then there was this:

Best. Picture. Ever.

Nothing but hate.



Let’s hit up those crazy predictions.

Last week resulted in a tie between The Bull and The Northerner, both only off by 4 points. They mud wrestled to break the tie, and everyone watching lost.

To celebrate the victory over the turtles, you’re trophy is a copy of the original NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video game.

Speaking of blowing…

We don’t care who gets to keep it. You’ll both die as soon as you get to the water level anyways.

Harder than Intermediate Accounting.


Now let’s hit up this week:

C Gally: 22 – 19 VT (Does any one else notice how terrible I am at this?)

The Northerner: 24 – 13 VT

The Bull: 20 – 14 VT

CMU Football Analyst: 23 – 14 VT while really stretching to say it will be a boring game.

Wright: 21 – 20 VT

Lady Wright: 21 – 10 VT

B-Dubs: 24 – 14 VT

G Way: 20 – 13 VT

The DiP: 23 – 17 VT

Maniak: 24 – 13 VT

Poppa Gally: 27 – 6 VT, and you know the drill. If Tech blocks 3 kicks, the bar is drinking on me.

And our guest visitor for this week is Maniak’s Miami alumni boss. Without knowing anything about him, we have already established the hate. However, his very honest prediction of 20 – 10 VT does show some promise.

Good luck to everyone named C Gally.


Did anyone not think Bullitt was going to come through for us? Hell no. We don’t even know why they play the game. It was over when we clicked “Post”.

And once again, the game gets bigger. But where do we go from here?

We go back to the reason your humble editor attended Virginia Tech. 1999 Miami game. After going down 10 – 0, Tech rattled off 43 straight points and went on to an undefeated season. It was a night game. I was a sophomore in high school and knew where I was going to college. It was a good feeling.

And who from that team is the greatest football player to ever set foot on Worsham Field?

You guessed it.

Corey Moore

The guy defines Hokie football. He also loves beating Miami. His first names is not only awesome, but spelled correctly.