Archive for the ‘Hokies’ Category

Game 2: Marshall Preview

September 10, 2009

Welp, that sucked.

Another big game against the SEC. Another loss. How sad is it that we felt almost ok with the outcome since we didn’t get crushed or blow a 30 point lead?

In case you’re wondering, the last time we beat a top ten team was the 2006 over #10 Clemson. Since it was Clemson, we can barely count it.

The Northerner pretty much summed up what everyone was thinking from the Alabama game, but here are a few more thoughts before we put that guy to bed.

You know how many teams ESPN has made fun of for being super-duper predictable on offense? One. Us. It’s embarrassing.

There’s nothing we can even say any more. We are ready to lead an all out protest of Voldemort, our offensive coordinator. We’d like to see something like these town hall meetings on healthcare, only louder.

The defense spent nearly two-thirds of the game on the field. You know what you get when that happens? Five plays for 74 yards and a touchdown in just under three minutes. That would be Alabama’s last scoring drive after we cut the deficit to 3.

But don’t think the coaches were the only goats in this. Chancellor couldn’t cover a manhole. Tyrod threw for a whopping 91 yards. And whoever the f*** #62 is on the offensive line needs to be replaced with a parking cone. We know you’re just a kid, but come on man. You have to at least touch the guy as he goes screaming past you to kill our quarterback.

Ok, I feel a little bit better. It was out of conference, so mark that game with a big ol’ whatevs.


*More on that in our thank you’s for Hatefest 2009 tomorrow.


On to Marshall.

As a disclaimer, I need to note that my sister, a hardcore Virginia Tech fan, attends Marshall University. She has rooted for Tech since forever, and that’s not easy growing up in Morgantown. If my vile for the school seems a little toned down this week, you’ll have to forgive me.

She plans to attend the game wearing a Marshall shirt with a VT hat. This will be sure to confuse and confound anybody that happens to see her. Any abuse by Tech fans (which would be pretty sad, it’s freaking Marshall) will be swiftly dealt with by her jacked, ex-linebacker brother.

The Bad Guys
Other than the movie starring the dreamy Jack Sheppard and the dad from Hot Rod, not too much has happened since we last saw this team. They had been led by Byron Leftwich, most known for his backup role on the Steelers last year. (Don’t laugh, he has a Superbowl ring.)

Now? 99% of football fans couldn’t name one Marshall player.

If you really want a scouting report on this team, you’re not reading this site. But I wouldn’t waste your time. If we struggle at all, there will be bigger fish to fry.

The Hokies
We’re fine. So long as we call a bootleg on every play. I’ve seen better pass blocking on the intramural fields.


The Game
Despite being one of the easier games on our schedule, it is very important that we play well. Coming off a big loss to Alabama with Nebraska looming, a strong performance on Saturday will go a long way.

This isn’t to say we should overlook this game. Quite the opposite. We need to win this game by 30 points. If we struggle, we’ll be lucky to get out of September with only two losses.

Of course we want to keep everyone healthy, but I say game plan the shit out of this game… sorry, I said game plan. I forgot that’s not really in our bag of tricks.


Your Pump Up Song of the Week (other than Metallica)
In honor of the WORLD CHAMPION PITTSBURGH STEELERS playing tonight, we’ll hit you with a little Styx Renegade…

Who wants to powerhour?


Replacement Offensive Coordinator
Yes, we are no longer just looking for a good luck hero. We need results. And the only way is to replace Voldemort with someone worth a damn.

We figure that the best way to take down Marshall is with a marshal.

Who do we want calling our plays?

Marshal Samuel Gerard

Beamer: I didn’t call for this non-draw play.

Marshal Gerard: I don’t care.


Thoughts on the Alabama game

September 9, 2009

Alright, so it’s already Wednesday and we haven’t put anything out about the game. So here is the best we’re going to muster.

  • We lost. We didn’t lose big but we still lost. We were winning up until about 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter. I foresee the fourth quarter being our worst enemy this season which is a really bad thing. I don’t know if it was our conditioning that was weak or the fact that our defense was on the field for almost three complete quarters. That’s right, possession shook up as 37:02 to 22:58. That is not healthy. That shit comes back and bites you in the ass in the fourth quarter. Exhibit A: This game.
  • Our offense wasn’t on the field for very long because of two things: 1. Alabama’s defense is really good, and 2. Our offense is extremely predictable. The announcers (Kirk) were even commenting about how one of Alabama’s strategies before the game was to rely on the predictability of our offense. Just wonderful. They were showing stats before the game, and I don’t remember the context – something like the bowl game or the last three games of the season or something, but basically it was out of 110 plays, we passed for 10 of them. I mean come on. Every defense you play against is going to know you’re running the ball. And it would be different if you had like 80 plays where you changed up the ball carrier or direction, but we don’t. It’s Tyrod around the side in a scramble, or a back/Tyrod up the middle. That’s it. There are flashes where plays that are imaginative and creative come up, but that factors in to the 10 our of 110 plays. That’s just not enough. We need to keep defense on their toes. Or heels. Either one works.
  • Ryan Williams is going to be a perfectly fine substitute for Darren Evans.
  • We, finally, weren’t the team losing our focus and piling up the penalties. Only 6 for 45 yards compared to 10 for 83 by Alabama. We just need to keep that going.
  • I don’t know if it was a fluke, but our special teams – the offensive aspect of it – was actually not half bad. A return for a TD and some decent field position is nice to see.
  • There is one number that stood out to me in this game. 62. As in Blake DeChristopher on our offensive line. He could have single-handedly cost us this game. Now that is obviously a general statement, but he did his fair share of acting like a sieve and letting the defense go untouched to Tyrod. Namely on our last drive where Taylor got sacked. Guy came straight from DeChristopher’s side and Blake didn’t feel like getting in his way. Now I don’t know if he had other things on his mind, ie. his girlfriend broke up with him, he’s worried about his advanced physics class starting up, he couldn’t stop thinking about whether or not Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart were ever going to get back together, but he needs to clean that shit up. Put your enormous body in the path of a defender and at least slow him down to give your QB a fraction of a second to get away.
  • Why did we stop wearing the old school white unis with the maroon and orange stripe on the shoulders? They had been working very well for us last year. Why stop now? I say bring them back. They were simple, they were understated, and they made us fucking win.
  • We can chalk this up to Alabama’s good defense again, but we mustered only 155 yards on offense. They had 498. It’s a shock we only lost by 10. This goes back to the whole point of our offense. It’s wayyy too predictable.
  • Staying on the predictable offense vein, we had four players rush in the game. One was a receiver who only had one attempt. Another was Tyrod who had ten rushes (and -26 total yards, so some of those “rushes” were actually sacks). That leaves two backs who got 19 of the 30 rush attempts. Add Tyrod in and we had three players making 97% of the rushes. Alabama had 7 players. Granted Ingram had almost half, but there were 6 other players who they would uses to keep us on our toes.
  • Our kicking game is solid again. And we’re really going to miss Brent Bowden when he gets up and leaves.
  • Overall, we didn’t play a terrible game, and this is a game that we could have won. It looks like we will resign ourselves to peaking with the Orange Bowl and settle on having our pinnacle game be the ACC Championship, just as it is every year. This is already getting fucking boring. Lose the first game, win 10 more, repeat. I don’t really have too many suggestions for Coach Beamer, but I think it’s clear that we need to get some standout talent on the field and get coaches (and a coordinator) who know how to exploit that talent rather than fall back on it in emergency situations.

Add your thoughts in the comment section.

This is how you do it

September 3, 2009

Real Clear Sports has just jumped up to my top 5 websites because of this little article. Who’s number one on this list of best entrances in college football? That would be us. That is how you show respect to the definitive entrance to a college football stadium. I watched the video that all of us have seen so many times, and still got chills. Oh what the hell, here it is.


Now let’s see what RCS had to say about it:

It starts with one side of the stadium, “LET’S GO….” And then the other side responds, “HOKIES”. Then the bass line from Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” starts. Fans begin jumping up and down. The band is lined up outside of the tunnel. The music hits the crescendo, the team rushes out of the tunnel, the fireworks explode, and Lane Stadium becomes one of the loudest stadiums in college football – and they haven’t even started playing yet.

Is there a back-story to this entrance? Probably. But as you jump up and down like a madman somewhere deep in the mountains of Virginia, with Metallica’s bass lines thumping against your brain, ready to watch your Hokies do battle on a crisp fall night, do you care? Probably not. Obviously, with a relatively new song, the tradition isn’t very old, but it has quickly garnered the respect of all college football fans and players as the most intense entrance in college football.

And by far the best part of the analysis was the beginning, which I will leave you with, if only to ponder how true it is:

We held this one for number one for fear that after you see it you might try and run through a brick wall.

Amen, brother.

Your Comprehensive Season Preview

September 2, 2009

With less than a week until kickoff, we figured we could go ahead and spoil the entire season for you. Here is your comprehensive season preview. With results! Just try to act surprised so you don’t ruin it for everyone else.

This game… wow. Only a few days away. We’ll have our usual non-informative preview tomorrow. But if you’re not excited for this game by now, you should probably go find another team.

Prediction: Tech wins, 28-27

Rating: Five Giggitys
The last time Marshall came to Blacksburg, it was a big game. That was back when they paid their players. Unfortunately for Herd fans, that practice has ceased, and the team kinda sucks now.

But it is still the home opener. Despite the million or so Hokies going to Atlanta, for many of us it will be the first time to see our boys play.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45-10

Rating: Two Giggitys

The biggest non-conference home game this year. Like Marshall, Nebraska used to be good. Granted, they were multiple-national-championships good, but I think the comparison stands.
Apparently their fans were pretty decent to the majority of Hokies fans we talked to, so let’s try to keep the WVU antics to a minimum.
Prediction: Tech wins, 27-14

Rating: Four Giggitys

Sweet lord, our September schedule is amazing. And Miami at home is always a good time. We really can’t wait to put a stop to all this “Miami is on their way back up” bull crap. I’m sure the dozen or so Canes fans will be left crying after this one is over.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35-6

Rating: Five Giggitys

At Duke
Why do we play this game? We’ve asked this every year, and have yet to find an answer.

Prediction: Tech wins by a lot.

Rating: One Giggity

Boston College
History will not repeat itself in this game, as we will prevail in the regular season contest against the Eagles. Plan on attending this game, if only to avoid watching 100 replays of that Matt Ryan doucher.

Prediction: Tech wins, 20-10

Rating: Four Giggitys

At Georgia Tech
This game is only important if you care about winning the ACC. Seriously, this is the game of the year.

Win, and Tech has the upper hand in the Division. Even with another loss (which won’t happen), we’ll still have the tie-breaker.

Lose, and our prediction will be wrong.

Prediction: Tech wins, 35 – 24

Rating: Five Giggitys UNC
Thursday night. Blacksburg. Game. Blouses.

Yeah yeah, UNC is the sleeper pick to win the ACC. You know the last time a sleeper pick worked out? 1999, and it was Tech in the National Championship game.

Prediction: Tech wins, 17 – 6

Rating: Four Giggitys At ECU
Sweet sassy molassey, this game is freaking stupid. Thursday night at ECU in November? Weaver has officially lost his mind. Whatevs.

Prediction: Tech wins, 18 – 12

Rating: Three Giggitys At Maryland
There will absolutely be more Tech fans at this game than Twerp fans. Hell, if you wanted to buy tickets for this game, the Maryland Athletic Department made you buy tickets to see the JMU game, every water polo match, and that new Tyler Perry movie. Sadly, the Fridge will have to drown his sorrows in a bucket of Ben and Jerry’s after this shellacking.

Prediction: Tech wins, 52 – 10

Rating: Three Giggitys

NC State
We kind of forgot they were in the ACC, to be honest with you.

Prediction: Tech wins, 38 – 17

Rating: Three Giggitys At UVA
See: Hatefest 2009

Prediction: Tech wins, 62 – 12

Rating: Four Giggitys

ACC Championship Game
We will most likely play Boston College, thus guaranteeing us a spot in the BCS National Championship.

Prediction: Tech wins, 31 – 14

Rating: Five Giggitys National Championship Game
From what we can gather, Tech will most likely be playing Notre Dame.

Prediction: Tech wins, 45 – 10

Rating: Five Giggitys


So there you have it, folks. Our entire season laid out.

Don’t tell anyone though, they might steal the sports almanac I brought back from the future. FYI, don’t bet on Pittsburgh to win the World Series this year.

Norman Einsteins

September 2, 2009

Cian over at the Norman Einsteins publication had me imagine a discussion between Beamer and Tyrod during the ECU game in November. You can probably guess where that conversation went.

You can check it out here, it’s little over half way down.

Hokies head coach FRANK BEAMER fuming with rage, signals timeout to the nearest official. His quarterback TYROD TAYLOR trots over.

FRANK BEAMER: Marcus! Marcus! Get your ass over here!
TYROD TAYLOR: Coach, my name is Tyrod.
BEAMER: Whatever! Look, you’re getting a little too flashy out there. What the hell was that last play? The ooptie oop?
TAYLOR: It was a 9 yard out.

Like I said, you can guess where it goes.

VT Alumni Tailgate for the Alabama Game

August 24, 2009

The Atlanta Chapter of the VT Alumni Association has sent us some interesting information. They are hosting a tailgate prior to the beatdown of the Crimson Tide. Check out the website here where you can buy tickets and get all the necessary info.

This little shindig sounds pretty cool. All you Hokie fans down in the Dirty South should get a move on to go to the tailgate. It’ll be just like your tailgate except better and you won’t have to do any of the clean up or setup work. They’ll have hamburgers and hot dogs, corn hole, and other tailgate games. Oh yeah, and they have the brewskis. Plus they even hooked you up with maps of the MARTA system (that’s the Atlanta public transit system for all of you who aren’t in the know) so that you don’t even have to worry about driving to or from the massive win over Alabama. You can celebrate to your hearts content.

Anyways, hit up the website and if you’re in the Atlanta area (read: within 250 miles of Atlanta) on Sept. 5th then you get you sweet ass to the tailgate and root on the boys in maroon (unless of course Alabama is in Maroon and then root on the boys in whatever color we’re wearing). Just remember, you need to get tickets by August 28th (that’s in 4 days) otherwise you may be shit out of luck.

Weekend recap

August 24, 2009

What a rainy weekend. Just a great way to start the end end of summer. Stuck in the house with the backyard flooding. Awesome.

1. The Yankees took two of three from the Red Sox in what was a shitshow of pitching all around. First game 20-11, second game 14-1, third game 8-4. Somehow Junichi Tazawa came out as the best pitcher for either team in the series.

2. In John Smoltz’s glorious return to the National League, he won his debut with the Cards. He gave up no runs and struck out 9. You have got to be fucking kidding me Smoltz. There isn’t that much of a difference between the two leagues. It’s not a switch. You can’t just turn it on or off. You miserable bitch.

3. Eric Bruntlett ended the Mets/Phillies game with the second ever game-ending unassisted triple play. Basically what happened was Castillo was on second, Murphy on first and Francoeur at bat. Francoeur hit a line drive to Bruntlett who was standing near second. Bruntlett caught it, touched second to get Castillo out, then tagged Murphy who was attempting to steal second on that pitch. Boom, unassisted triple play. Much like how last year CGally reacted to a bunted foul third strike to end a Pirates game, this just summed up the Mets season. PS – the Mets are pathetic.

4. Preseason football was still going on. Preseason football accomplishes two tasks: to get everyone in the mood for football season and for guys to show off their new HD tvs. Bing and Go.

5. Hokie football season starts in t-minus 12 days. Get ready.

Darren Evans out for the season

August 12, 2009

This from

Virginia Tech announced Tuesday evening that starting tailback Darren Evans tore the ACL in his left knee in practice Tuesday and will miss the 2009 season. Evans had already sprained the knee previously Friday in practice. Evans used a redshirt year in 2007, and his injury opens the door for redshirt freshman Ryan Williams, redshirt sophomore Josh Oglesby, and true freshman David Williams to step up and contribute.

Well isn’t that just awesome. What the hell was he doing practicing with a sprained knee??

Looks like we’ll be relying on our defense to win games this year…

That’s better.

August 7, 2009

It looks like someone at NBC Sports reads our blog, because today they have posted a “Best home-field/court advantage” list, enumerating the best stadiums and arenas for home court advantage, professional and college. There was no rank as they went by sport rather than compare against each other, but I am happy to announce that they listed Lane Stadium as the second college football stadium, right after LSU’s Tiger Stadium. While I would have liked to be numero uno, can’t really complain about the silver. Way to correct your faux pas, NBC Sports. If you plan on doing a “Best Entrances Ever in the History of the World”, I expect to be number one. No questions asked.

And, might I also add, the picture they chose to represent Tech’s blurb was, you guessed it, none other than THE NORTH END ZONE (I used it as the banner picture). I see you, NBC Sports. I like your subtlety.

Here’s the link.

THIS JUST IN: Offense has room to improve

July 2, 2009

Now that July has started, we can expect the number of season previews to start rolling any minu… why looky here! ESPN has already started. (Its ESPN Insider, fyi. We’re sure someone you know has it and will give you a password if you ask nicely.)

But here’s pretty much the rundown:

1. Our offense has sucked (derrrrrrr)

And boy, did it suck. It was some of the worst suck to ever suck.

“How bad was it? Well, eight of 120 Division I teams (including the three run-heavy academies) had worse passing games. The offensive line didn’t helped much either. Over the past two seasons, Tech has given up a Division 1 FBS-high 97 sacks.”

But fear not!! Captain Draw Play is here to rescue us!

“We’re just so much further along,” says Stinespring. “When we came into spring we knew we had to seize the opportunity to get better, but the idea wasn’t to be a year older, but a year better.”

Wanna know how we get a year better? Send Stiney to Malawi for 365 days and let the guy who played Minkus on Boy Meets World run the offense.

2. Tyrod will need to be better

Well, more-knowledgeable would be a better description.

“The bigger issue, coaches note, is how last season, they didn’t know if their players could diagnose the game well enough to improve. The stats bear it out. As defenses adjusted, Taylor struggled. Each quarter he got worse.”

Yes, it’s totally Tyrod’s fault that the coaching staff has NEVER made a halftime adjustment.

3. Despite all the craptitude on offense last season, even a slight improvement would turn into a scary thing.

“And here’s the thing: if the Tech offense does improve by what could easily be ten points a game on offense in 2009, it’ll just be widening the margins.”

Oh yeah, we still won the Orange Bowl. Suck it.

But that was mainly due to #4…

4. Defense is still pimp as ever

This just goes without saying. The article does make a good point about our special teams last year. Our opponents’ average starting field position (own 36 yard-line) was good enough for 10th in the nation.


The final quote may sum up the season perfectly, however:

“As they enter fall, Stinespring, Beamer and the Hokies know that if the offense is the strength it should be, this team has the chance to be special. Last year this team was 10-4. They got nominated for an Oscar and were holding the script upside down. Imagine if they can figure it out this year.”

So get pumped, people. Remember that season where our offense was supposed to improve over the prior season? Well it’s coming up again for the 8th year in a row.