Archive for the ‘Florida State sucks’ Category

HateFest 2009: Why we hate…FSU

August 28, 2009

Besides the fact that Tallahassee is friggin’ annoying to spell, there are plenty of other reasons why we hate FSU.

The Town

I’ve never been to Tallahassee. I don’t really want to go to Tallahassee. I have a cousin who went to FSU and I don’t really think she liked the town very much. It’s the capital of Florida so it’s got to be a big-ish city. And the fact that it’s the capital of Florida means that it MUST be a bellwether of the state (obvs). Therefore Tallahassee is made up of teacher sex scandaled, brain fried, old white trash. Really makes me want to go there.

The School

FSU really isn’t well known as a good academic school. I hear it’s good for nursing. That’s about it.

The Team

The team used to be real good. Like really good. Not so much anymore. They were the force of the ACC and teams trembled at their feet. Bobby Bowden could make women half his age swoon with dirty thoughts. And Chris Weinke! Damn, he could turn a straight man gay and be one helluva back up in the NFL.

Though things have changed for the Seminoles. They are more commonly referred to as the Criminoles. They haven’t really won any big games for a few years now, and they are getting dominated in the ACC by the new powerhouse team from Blacksburg. They may have won the National Championship twice, 1993 and 1999 (eat shit and die) but they are last century’s team. They haven’t done much since 2000 (save the 2005 ACC CG. Dicks) except have several players arrested and this. Let’s hope they take music history a little more seriously next time.

The Fans/Alumni

The fans aren’t terrible. I mean they’re not great, but when you really don’t have much to work with upstairs, then you tend to be a little more amicable outside of your college football mob mentality arena. Nice people at FSU, but let’s just say they couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.


The tomahawk chop. It’s on par with the USC fight song. You don’t need to do it after every fucking play. Show some self-control. Damn.

The easiest way to piss off a FSU fan is mutter the words “wide right”. It gets them going all the time. Just do it in casual conversation. It’s great. “Boy Tom, that lady’s ass is pretty wide, right?” “Dave, go down the hill and then make a wide right turn” “Hey Megan… WIDE RIGHT”. Works every time.

I heard Chief Osceola once was busted for bootlegging firewater. True story.

And Jen Sturger isn’t that hot.

Hatefest 2009

July 7, 2009

Many philosophers have attempted to explain the human race’s love affair with sports. Is it the competition? The team atmosphere? The feeling of community?

But alas, the answer is simple: HATE.

There is nothing better than that feeling of completely and utterly crushing your opponent into the mud… except when that opponent happens to be a hated rival.

As put best by Will Blythe (author of a Duke-UNC rivalry book), “To hate like this is to be happy forever.”

We all hate. We hate so many teams (our list came out to 23) for so many different reasons. Some are obvious (UVA). Some a little more nuanced (JMU). Some are because of the fans (WVU, Maryland, Pitt…trails off). Some are because of the uppity-ness of the school (Duke). Some are because of their success (USC). Hell, some are because of the band (JMU, again). And some are because of the “memories” they left us with (Radford).

But whatever the reason, the hate feels good. And in the doldrums of summer, we see no reason not to indulge ourselves in a little 8-week hate fest.

Yes, we only have 8 weeks to go (give or take a few days) until kickoff. Each week we will present you with a new category and group of schools:

Week 1: Mid-Majors or Less
Yes, we can hate on the little guys: ECU, Temple, JMU

Week 2: Big Names We Never Play
Some because of jealousy; some are because Charlie Weis is fat: Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame

Week 3: Big Names We’ve Sometimes Played
Lately, the results have not been pretty: USC, Auburn, LSU

Week 4: Big East Teams
The only way we could hate them more is if we had alimony payments: WVU, Pitt, Syracuse

Week 5: ACC Coastal
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke

Week 6: ACC Atlantic
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: BC, Maryland, NC State, Clemson

Week 7: Teams from America’s Wang
We hated these teams long before a few were in our conference: Miami, Florida, Florida State

Week 8: UVA


But we can’t do this alone. Please feel free to email us any stories you may have that have led to your bitter hatred of any team.

Don’t worry if your hated school isn’t on the list. Did a girlfriend leave you for a douche from Colorado? We want it. Are you our Carnegie Mellon Super Scientific Football Analyst and hate Greensburg Technical School for the Blind? Send in your seething description of why. Heck, if you really really hate Syracuse, we’ll let you guest blog.

So get your entries in. Hatefest 2009 starts on Monday.

Note the tags on this post. All but “Hatefest 2009” has been used at some point in our humble site’s young career.

Game #30: Criminoles

March 6, 2009
(We’re not sure if the rap sheet on the basketball team is as long as the football team, but we’ll stick with the nickname anyways.)

Welcome to Must-win Central.

We’ve reached the last regular season game of the year. It doesn’t have the same feeling as the last game of the football season, as we know there are at least 2 more left to go. But still, it means we’re that much closer to not having an excuse to drink on a Wednesday.

And we couldn’t be more squarely on the bubble. Blah blah must-win blah blah. We know it. The team knows it. Weaver doesn’t know we have a basketball team.

Things we know about the Florida State basketball team:
-They beat us earlier this season.
-They are not the football team.

So that’s pretty much it. We also know that they are a good team, but beatable.

The North End Zone. You can’t complain about our analysis, because we don’t offer any.

We also know that, even though they aren’t the football team, we still hate them. Is Bobby Bowden still associated with the school? Then yeah, we still hate them

Oh, and that chop? Sweet lord. That shit needs to go the way of “WHAAAZZZZUP!!!” Just arrest anyone that does it. We doubt the rest of the country would be upset.

But if anyone needs to relive any fond memories, this video should suffice. A little grainy, but enjoy:


So now this turns into the biggest game all year. Per the Northerner’s request, we need to rock out another big time hero. Someone that has defeated aliens as well as Cincinnati.

You guessed it.

Captain Steven Hiller

Kick the tires and light the fires.
Good hunting.


Note: This time, I will not forget to note that Independence Day is one of the top 5 movies ever made. Not an opinion. Fact.