Archive for the ‘Duke sucks’ Category

Greg Paulus named starting QB at Syracuse

August 18, 2009
When has your program hit rock bottom? Click here.

It’s really a shame we don’t play the Orange this year. At least face masks will help when this happens again…

This has to be about the 50th time we’ve posted this picture.

Plenty of Hatefest coming your way today. PROMISE.

HateFest 2009: Why we hate… Duke

August 10, 2009

They’re Duke. Isn’t that enough?

The Team:

Let’s just say the Duke football team should be nicknamed the Wet Paper Bags rather than the Blue Devils. Or the Rented Mules. Or the Red-Headed Stepchildren. You get the point. Duke has been awful in football for as long as it mattered and, to their credit, they realized this and basically gave up and shifted their focus to basketball.

Now to give them some credit, the Blue Devils have won 7 ACC Championships, however, the last one was a shared one with UVA in 1989 and Virginia ended up getting the bid to the Citrus Bowl, which was reserved for the ACC Champion. Prior to that, the last Duke ACC Championship was in 1962. Duke has not had a winning season since 1994, and within the last 20 years, Duke has only crossed that .500 line thrice. In 2006 the Dookies didn’t manage to win one game. Needless to say, Duke has not had much success in bowl games recently, mainly due to the inability to reach them.


The Town:

Durham is a nice town. Friendly and as much a college town you could want. No qualms with them here.


The Fans and Students and Alumni:

The fans are awful. If you try to tell them anything about their school that they don’t want to hear, the conversation immediately turns to how their basketball team has mopped the floor with your team, whoever it is. This is much like, if you remember, WVU fans. They have one argument and one argument only. They also like to claim that they’re really smart, yet some of the Duke grads I have met have been the dumbest people in the world. They could tell you how fast a ball would be traveling on the way down if you threw it 62 feet in the air with a 11 mph headwind, but have no clue what you mean by “half-past three”.

Duke’s fans are possibly the whiniest pain the ass fans ever. They get every GD call, and when they don’t get the 47th consecutive imaginary call of the half they throw a shitfit and say the refs are biased. They also have kids that act like this:

Duke has plenty of famous alumni who I won’t even go into mentioning because it would take too long. Most of them are self-righteous assholes though. Not all of them, mind you. We don’t like blanket generalizations here at the North End Zone. However, most of them are, in fact, assholes.



Their basketball coach while a great coach, has a weird balding type haircut and has a very pursed face that looks like he has a lemon shoved up his pooper which makes him look just like Hitler.

Their rivalry with UNC is kind of funny, because UNC is as good a school as Duke, academically, yet is a cheaper public school, has hotter coeds, kicks their ass in every sport but basketball where they pretty much break even, has a nicer campus, and is overall a better university. I say this is a funny rivalry, because it is a rivalry in the same way that a mastiff and a Chihuahua would have a rivalry. UNC is the mastiff in this metaphor for all you Duke fans who couldn’t figure that out.

Duke was founded by Methodists and Quakers, two hell-fearing religions, and yet the mascot is a blue devil. Got me on that one.

And just in the nick of time, my beautiful and telepathically connected wife just sent me this hilarious link. This really is the most perfect way to end this post. Enjoy.

Hatefest 2009

July 7, 2009

Many philosophers have attempted to explain the human race’s love affair with sports. Is it the competition? The team atmosphere? The feeling of community?

But alas, the answer is simple: HATE.

There is nothing better than that feeling of completely and utterly crushing your opponent into the mud… except when that opponent happens to be a hated rival.

As put best by Will Blythe (author of a Duke-UNC rivalry book), “To hate like this is to be happy forever.”

We all hate. We hate so many teams (our list came out to 23) for so many different reasons. Some are obvious (UVA). Some a little more nuanced (JMU). Some are because of the fans (WVU, Maryland, Pitt…trails off). Some are because of the uppity-ness of the school (Duke). Some are because of their success (USC). Hell, some are because of the band (JMU, again). And some are because of the “memories” they left us with (Radford).

But whatever the reason, the hate feels good. And in the doldrums of summer, we see no reason not to indulge ourselves in a little 8-week hate fest.

Yes, we only have 8 weeks to go (give or take a few days) until kickoff. Each week we will present you with a new category and group of schools:

Week 1: Mid-Majors or Less
Yes, we can hate on the little guys: ECU, Temple, JMU

Week 2: Big Names We Never Play
Some because of jealousy; some are because Charlie Weis is fat: Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame

Week 3: Big Names We’ve Sometimes Played
Lately, the results have not been pretty: USC, Auburn, LSU

Week 4: Big East Teams
The only way we could hate them more is if we had alimony payments: WVU, Pitt, Syracuse

Week 5: ACC Coastal
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke

Week 6: ACC Atlantic
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: BC, Maryland, NC State, Clemson

Week 7: Teams from America’s Wang
We hated these teams long before a few were in our conference: Miami, Florida, Florida State

Week 8: UVA


But we can’t do this alone. Please feel free to email us any stories you may have that have led to your bitter hatred of any team.

Don’t worry if your hated school isn’t on the list. Did a girlfriend leave you for a douche from Colorado? We want it. Are you our Carnegie Mellon Super Scientific Football Analyst and hate Greensburg Technical School for the Blind? Send in your seething description of why. Heck, if you really really hate Syracuse, we’ll let you guest blog.

So get your entries in. Hatefest 2009 starts on Monday.

Note the tags on this post. All but “Hatefest 2009” has been used at some point in our humble site’s young career.

How does it feel?

March 27, 2009

Last night Villanova turned it’s pocket inside out and made Duke hold on to it while ‘Nova walked around. For those of you who haven’t been to prison, that means that Villanova made Duke it’s bitch.

Now let’s look at why this happened:

1. Villanova scored more points than Duke.
2. Villanova played better offense and defense than Duke, overall.
3. Villanova got more rebounds than Duke, offensive and defensive.
4. Duke didn’t get any calls. And rightfully so.

Duke got no cheap calls all game. They traveled and got called for it. They charged and got called for it. They acted like little bitches and almost got called for it.

So this is the true Duke basketball team. When they don’t get the cheap, Duke-only calls, they get their asses handed to them. I had Duke winning this round and losing to Pitt in my bracket, but I’ll be honest: This is the best feeling loss I have ever experienced. Sure it hurt my bracket, but I think it hurt almost everyone else’s bracket too. Sure it drove one of the last nails into the “Big East is better than the ACC” argument coffin. But the simple fact remains, Duke lost. Mike Krzyzhitler is upset and that makes me feel good. Yeah it’s pathetic, but it still feels good. Don’t judge me.

DOUBLE UPDATE: Did anyone else notice Paulus giving a massage in the background? Holy crap, they’re gayer than I thought. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Duke would walk 500 miles…

March 2, 2009

As noted in the Northerner’s post, here’s the video of Sheyer’s 20 foot pivot. No, it wasn’t the difference in the game. Tech had many opportunities to take control. But this isn’t exactly the first time Duke has gotten a call (or non-call), and it certainly isn’t surprising.

There’s also another great clip from the game here. It relates to a chant done in the student section. It is probably not suitable for our younger viewers (despite its hilariousness).

Game #28: Trust Funds (A)

February 27, 2009

We play the Blue Devils. The hated, hated Blue Devils. It’s not often that the entire country is rooting for you. But this is one of those times.

There’s not too much analysis here. We hate them. Everyone hates them. But they play good basketball.

We will need the game of the year to win. But it’s happened before. Most famously, the 2004-2005 season. We could describe to you what it was like, but we’d rather do it through a song done by a few guys that defeated a devil or two in their time… (lyrics provided after video)

February 2005, me and my brother Greenburg here,…
we was hitchhikin’ down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden,
there shined a shiney blue devil…
in the middle…
of Cassell.

And he said:
“Play the best game in the world,
or I’ll eat your souls (Souls).”

Well me and coach,… we looked at each other,
and we each said…

And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The best game in the world,
it was the best game in the world.

Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see
One and one make two,
Zabian made threes,
It was destiny.

Once every other year or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
and the grass doth grow oooh

Needless to say,
Coach K was stunned.
“Wah wah” went his whiney tail,
And JJ was done.
He asked us:
“(snort) BE you angels?”
And we said,
We are but HOKIES.
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahn,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

And now we’ll play
The Greatest Game in the World, Oh
And you will pay a tribute.
You will remember The Greatest Game in the World, Oh.
You will pay a tribute, oh,
To The Greatest Game in the World,
All right!
It was The Greatest Game in the World,
All right!
And it was the best mother f***in’ game,
The Greatest Game in the World!

‘Ti Tuga digga tu Gi Friba fligugibu Uh Fligugigbu Uh Di Ei Friba Du Gi Fligu fligugigugi Flilibili Ah
Fligu wene mamamana Sacrebleu!

And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the game we played on that fateful night it wasn’t as good as the game we’ll play right now!!

This is not a tribute!
You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there!
Just a matter of opinion.
Good God, God lovin’ ,
So surprised to find you can’t stop me, now.
I’m on fire–
O hallelujah I’m found! Rich something something compadre aaaaah!
All right!
All right.


They represent our heroes and our plan to win the game.
Tenacious D


Game 11: Take out all of your frustrations on some trust fund babies.

November 20, 2008
We are going to go ahead and gloss over that Miami loss. Any thoughts, feelings, emotions, kidnapping plots, etc. can be found in our previous post.

The game was worse than when we forgot how to sit down.

It’s that time of year again kids. The annual drubbing of Duke.

We know that they beat UVA and are better this year than usual. We know we kind of suck and forgot that they allowed forward passes back in the 30’s. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know it’s the Saturday before Thanksgiving break and not everyone will be there. The UVA game next week is also a deterrent. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know it’s our first cold weather game, and we tend to suck in those. Don’t ask us why, but it always seems to go down that way. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know that the Coach Who Must Not Be Named is still calling the shots on offense, which means we’re pretty much screwed. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.

We know that the GREATEST COACH TO EVER GRACE THE WORSHMAN FIELD SIDELINES is interviewing for a much deserved job at Clemson, and the defense may be a little distracted. But it’s still Duke. And, well, Duke just kind of sucks.*

*more on this later…

Christ, there are a lot of things going against us….

There is nothing about this game that makes us feel comfortable. We’ve lost to Temple at home before, and another game like that is certainly not out of the question.

Duke is quite the conundrum. With wins over Navy, Virginia, and Vanderbilt, and tough losses to Wake Forest in OT and Northwestern, they have a decent resume (compared to prior seasons, anyways). They also rank 3rd in the ACC for passing, which does not bode well for the Hokies. We rank 10th in the conference for passing defense.

That paragraph was the most statistical research we’ve done for any game ever. Now here’s a file photo of Brady Quinn:

There are no words to describe how awesome it is that this picture exists.

We hate to say it, but if there was a year for an upset to happen, it’s this one.

Which is all the more reason to fill the stadium and get as loud as the Maryland game. Just picture J.J. Redick, WoJo, and the other 500 annoying white basketball players that have gone through that school.

Let the hate flow through you.

Once again, we always have a photo for that extra bit of encouragement.

We actually broke a coffee table when this happened.


Oh, but how can we have it loud? The Duke game’s always a noon game so… WHAAAAAAAAAAA??? 5:30?!?! Thank the good lord.

It truly is the perfect game time. Plenty of tailgate time. Kickoff will be right at dark. And the game will be over with plenty of time to get downtown and ogle yourself some freshmen before 2 am.

So get ready for a possibly competitive, no doubt frustrating home game against Duke. At the very least, you know the Coach Who Must Not Be Named is more likely to be fired if we suck.

Which we won’t.



*so about that star…

We have no clue as to what is going on with Bud “The Man” Foster. Our thinking? No one really actually knows, and a lot of hearsay is out there. That said, we’re going to spread some of the hearsay.

Our sources tell us that the GREATEST COACH TO EVER GRACE THE WORSHMAN FIELD SIDELINES has been lined up as the next head coach here in Hokieland. If this is true, this truly kills two birds with one stone: he’s more likely to stay and the Coach Who Must Not Be Named won’t be getting that job.

Speaking of Voldemort, the fellas over at Fire the Coach Who Must Not Be Named had a great find. From the mouth of straight-up pimp Purnell Sturdivant:

“Pretty much every team we face this year knows what we’re going to do” on offense, Sturdivant said. “I have a couple friends at Carolina, a couple friends at N.C. State, things like that, they’re pretty much just calling out the plays that we’re going to run on offense. Our offense is pretty much predictable. You know what you’re going to see each and every week.” Asked whether he thought Stinespring should go, Sturdivant said: “That’s a hard one.” But he added that he didn’t think the outside criticism was unfair.“Yeah, I can definitely see where they’re coming from,” Sturdivant said of the critics.


It’s almost like his hard work all year is being wasted by a terrible coach.

Note: Purnell’s use of the coach’s name is no reflection of the views of The North End Zone.



You know what time it is.

Once again, the Bull pulls out another prediction win. But with a loss like that, no one cares.

The prize? The Bull is the lucky winner of being able to host your humble editor for a weekend of debauchery in the ‘Burg!!!

File photo

Have fun with that.


So let’s roll into this week’s picks:

C Gally: 30 – 9 VT, 10 field goals by The Closer.

The Bull: 26 – 6 VT

The Northerner: From the ranting, I was able to gather 28 – 10 VT

CMU Football Analyst: 38 – 6 VT

The DiP: 19 – 10 VT

Meet Bag: 34 – 13 VT

Wright: 27 – 13 VT

Lady Wright: 27 – 7 VT

G Way: 17 – 3 VT

B Dubs: 42 – 38 VT

Poppa Gally: 35 – 6 VT… you guessed it: 3 blocks

And our guest away team prediction comes from one of Meet Bag’s friends. Well, his only friend, really. We have no information other than he went to Duke, so we will assume it is JJ Redick: 27 – 24 Duke.

In a rare doube-up, our friend Fraker’s pop actually taught at Duke. He’s clearly a Hokie though: Poppa Fraker takes the Hokies by 7.

Good luck all.


Corey Moore didn’t work? Are you serious? I guess nothing can overcome an offense run by Michael Scott.

So where do we go this week? We could go with Deron, as he has always been a Duke killer.

We could go with Coach K, as he has pretty much decimated any chance the football team has of succeeding.

But no, we have to go with a true devil fighter.

You guessed it.

Father Karras from the Exorcist.

He needs to tell our Offensive Coordinator to quit. “The power of Christ compels you!!”