Archive for the ‘Duke cheats’ Category

HateFest 2009: Why we hate… Duke

August 10, 2009

They’re Duke. Isn’t that enough?

The Team:

Let’s just say the Duke football team should be nicknamed the Wet Paper Bags rather than the Blue Devils. Or the Rented Mules. Or the Red-Headed Stepchildren. You get the point. Duke has been awful in football for as long as it mattered and, to their credit, they realized this and basically gave up and shifted their focus to basketball.

Now to give them some credit, the Blue Devils have won 7 ACC Championships, however, the last one was a shared one with UVA in 1989 and Virginia ended up getting the bid to the Citrus Bowl, which was reserved for the ACC Champion. Prior to that, the last Duke ACC Championship was in 1962. Duke has not had a winning season since 1994, and within the last 20 years, Duke has only crossed that .500 line thrice. In 2006 the Dookies didn’t manage to win one game. Needless to say, Duke has not had much success in bowl games recently, mainly due to the inability to reach them.


The Town:

Durham is a nice town. Friendly and as much a college town you could want. No qualms with them here.


The Fans and Students and Alumni:

The fans are awful. If you try to tell them anything about their school that they don’t want to hear, the conversation immediately turns to how their basketball team has mopped the floor with your team, whoever it is. This is much like, if you remember, WVU fans. They have one argument and one argument only. They also like to claim that they’re really smart, yet some of the Duke grads I have met have been the dumbest people in the world. They could tell you how fast a ball would be traveling on the way down if you threw it 62 feet in the air with a 11 mph headwind, but have no clue what you mean by “half-past three”.

Duke’s fans are possibly the whiniest pain the ass fans ever. They get every GD call, and when they don’t get the 47th consecutive imaginary call of the half they throw a shitfit and say the refs are biased. They also have kids that act like this:

Duke has plenty of famous alumni who I won’t even go into mentioning because it would take too long. Most of them are self-righteous assholes though. Not all of them, mind you. We don’t like blanket generalizations here at the North End Zone. However, most of them are, in fact, assholes.



Their basketball coach while a great coach, has a weird balding type haircut and has a very pursed face that looks like he has a lemon shoved up his pooper which makes him look just like Hitler.

Their rivalry with UNC is kind of funny, because UNC is as good a school as Duke, academically, yet is a cheaper public school, has hotter coeds, kicks their ass in every sport but basketball where they pretty much break even, has a nicer campus, and is overall a better university. I say this is a funny rivalry, because it is a rivalry in the same way that a mastiff and a Chihuahua would have a rivalry. UNC is the mastiff in this metaphor for all you Duke fans who couldn’t figure that out.

Duke was founded by Methodists and Quakers, two hell-fearing religions, and yet the mascot is a blue devil. Got me on that one.

And just in the nick of time, my beautiful and telepathically connected wife just sent me this hilarious link. This really is the most perfect way to end this post. Enjoy.

How does it feel?

March 27, 2009

Last night Villanova turned it’s pocket inside out and made Duke hold on to it while ‘Nova walked around. For those of you who haven’t been to prison, that means that Villanova made Duke it’s bitch.

Now let’s look at why this happened:

1. Villanova scored more points than Duke.
2. Villanova played better offense and defense than Duke, overall.
3. Villanova got more rebounds than Duke, offensive and defensive.
4. Duke didn’t get any calls. And rightfully so.

Duke got no cheap calls all game. They traveled and got called for it. They charged and got called for it. They acted like little bitches and almost got called for it.

So this is the true Duke basketball team. When they don’t get the cheap, Duke-only calls, they get their asses handed to them. I had Duke winning this round and losing to Pitt in my bracket, but I’ll be honest: This is the best feeling loss I have ever experienced. Sure it hurt my bracket, but I think it hurt almost everyone else’s bracket too. Sure it drove one of the last nails into the “Big East is better than the ACC” argument coffin. But the simple fact remains, Duke lost. Mike Krzyzhitler is upset and that makes me feel good. Yeah it’s pathetic, but it still feels good. Don’t judge me.

DOUBLE UPDATE: Did anyone else notice Paulus giving a massage in the background? Holy crap, they’re gayer than I thought. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Duke would walk 500 miles…

March 2, 2009

As noted in the Northerner’s post, here’s the video of Sheyer’s 20 foot pivot. No, it wasn’t the difference in the game. Tech had many opportunities to take control. But this isn’t exactly the first time Duke has gotten a call (or non-call), and it certainly isn’t surprising.

There’s also another great clip from the game here. It relates to a chant done in the student section. It is probably not suitable for our younger viewers (despite its hilariousness).

Recap of the weekend

March 2, 2009

Despite the snow, some people still have work… unlike the teacher still sleeping at my house. Lucky jerk.

Anyways, a lot of important sports news went down this weekend, so let’s go over it, shall we?

1. We lost to Duke. It was a tough loss since we played well and stayed in it until the end. But, as always, Duke had the refs on their side to help them eek out another win. One play stands out in my mind. It’s always been my understanding that if you pick up your pivot foot, then you need to dribble or it’s traveling. According to this clip, I’m wrong. Kids should not be allowed to watch Duke games if they’re just starting out in the sport and want to learn the rules of the game. Though if they did, they will learn one key rule: Duke doesn’t commit fouls. It’s just your eyes playing a trick on you.

2. The Patriots traded, not only Matt Cassel, but also Mike Vrabel, to the Chiefs for a single second-round pick. Now a lot of people are scratching their heads on this one, but to me, it makes some sense. Not a lot. But some. Vrabel is at the end of his career and has served the Pats very well, but the defense is getting older and they need to get much younger in both the linebackers and secondary. Keeping him won’t help that very much.

Cassel is a good quarterback, but Brady is better. You can’t have two $14 million+ qbs on the same team with one of them twiddling his thumbs all season. Also, Cassel was good this year, with a great receiving corps and excellent QB coach, nevermind a great OC and a genius in Belichick. Hell, I might be able to win a few games with all that going for me. Before we keep on slobbering all over him, let’s see what he can do in KC to see if the Pats got shortchanged on this trade.

3. The National’s GM has quit. Whupdee doo, who the hell cares. The Nats suck and this is probably an upgrade. Hey, at least you still have Wily Mo Pena. And great concession stands.

4. Two NFL players went on a fishing trip and haven’t come back. Let’s hope they got a little disoriented and decided to stay in Mexico for a few days.

5. The Broncos tried to trade Jay Cutler to the Bucs in a three-way deal for Matt Cassel. Now Cutler is pissed and won’t talk to the Broncos. “Was Cassel worth it?! Can he love you like I do?!” Cutler sobbed as he ran into the locker room.

6. Apparently the Dodgers and Manny were only $1.5 million away from a deal, but nothing happened. I think now it’s just down to Manny being greedy and the Dodgers holding firm on principle alone. This has gotten real boring, real fast.

7. The Red Sox beat the Twins. Yayyy, they now have one spring training win other than Boston College. It’s sad, but I actually can’t wait for the WBC to start and have some pseudo-meaningful baseball being played.

8. Finally, A-Rod met with baseball officials for two hours. I’m sure nothing got accomplished because Bud Selig just wants all of this to go away. He is probably one of the worst commissioners ever in any sport. A-rod won’t get penalized and no changes will come in terms of testing or anything.

There you go. In case you slept through the weekend, that is what happened in the sports world over the last few days. Now go shovel your driveway.