Archive for the ‘cocaine’ Category

Weekend recap

May 11, 2009

This weekend was Mother’s Day, so I hope you all called your mom since she went through the trouble of sleeping with your dad and then pushing you out of her private region. That can’t be fun for anyone.

1. The Bruins finally woke the eff up and shutout the Hurricanes last night to make the series 3-2 in favor of Carolina. Let’s hope the Bruins keep this up, take the series back to Boston for game 6, and get down to this winning business. The losing joke isn’t funny anymore. Oh and Ward might be out due to a sucker punch which came because apparently Ward didn’t know that when you fight, people move their fists at your face in a fast motion. The Ward on the Bruins, not the Canes goalie. Damn.

The Penguins and Capitals have themselves involved in quite the catfight. The Pens are up 3-2 in the series, and the Capitals are looking to recoup and get revenge. Stay tuned to see how this turns out. (Spoiler alert: One of them wins.)

2. The Yankees beat the Orioles last night on Judas Damon’s three-run homer in the 7th. The score doesn’t matter. The big story of this game that has all of New York up in arms is that Aubrey Huff had the nerve, THE NERVE, to fist pump in Joba’s direction after he jacked one in the first. See, the overly excited fist pump in the opponents direction is Joba’s thing.

Now I know you guys are going to point out to me that Papelbon does the same thing when he gets the save and goes nuts and looks ridiculous, because that’s what you guys do, jerks. But I’m going to say this to preemptively rebut your argument. Papelbon is justified when he does it at home. He can do whatever the eff he wants when he does it at home. If he does it on the road (which he usually doesn’t) then he deserves to get his shit rocked.

Joba on the other hand, does it at home, on the road, in the locker room, at the bar, when he brings home a guy (yes in this joke Joba is gay), and after he brushes his teeth. He does it too much. He also did it last year when he struck out Aubrey Huff. (Note: Huff played on the Orioles last year, too. Wow, you struck out an Oriole. Good job.) So in my opinion, Huff was completely justified and gave the Orioles some street cred by throwing it in the face of the Bush League Wonder.

3. Tiger Woods is playing like crap (Tiger’s standards) and finished eighth in this weekend’s tourney. Something has got to be wrong with him. It could either be the fact that his knee isn’t back to full strength, he has some little pipsqueaks running around his house now, or his wife is insatiable and keeps sucking the energy from him on a daily basis. You be the judge.

4. The Celtics came out and evened the series against the gay-ly named Magic at two games apiece while the series moves back up to Beantown. Big Baby hit a jumper as time ran out to put the C’s up by one to end the game. Annnnnnd we’re done with basketball for this post.

5. Some tennis guy apparently did coke and got caught. His name is Richard Gasquet and he’s ranked 23rd. Now he’s banned and he denies doing coke, even though he had both pee tests come up positive. Someone needs to tell him to just come out and admit it, because cocaine isn’t like PEDs where there are several different things you could take grouped under a single name-umbrella. Coke is coke. You don’t take something from GNC or prescribed by your doctor and then suddenly see that “oh, shit, there was cocaine in that” when the test comes around. The only thing you can take to give a positive cocaine test is: Cocaine. Oh, he’s also French, and a douchnozzle.

6. The Jets, in a fully thought-out and highly intelligent move, are rumored to be going after free agent Adam Jones. That would be Adam “Pacman” Jones. Don’t worry, I have already said some prayers, lit some candles, slaughtered a baby goat and danced naked in the rain at exactly midnight to make sure this thing happens. Nothing would be better than to see all the hard work and smart moves the Jets have made thus far vanish in the stroke of a pen when the disease that is Pacman comes to their team. Keep your fingers crossed.

In honor of Mother’s Day, here is an instant classic from SNL: