Archive for the ‘Andy Van Slyke’ Category

Battle of the Titans

May 20, 2009

For those of you in the DC area, you probably have no idea that a battle of epic proportions is currently raging down by the Navy Yard. Yes, two buzzsaws of Major League Baseball, the Nationals and the Pirates, are in the midst of a four game series.

The teams are a combined 29-48. The Nats have a .289 winning percentage… .289!!! They’ve already dropped the first two games against the Buccos, who are inching ever so slowly back to .500. They are three games below that mark, or as we say in Pittsburgh circles, “Three games back.”

But really, the only reason this is being mentioned here is that your humble editor will be in attendance tonight. Please pray that those rabid Nats fans don’t tear me apart for wearing my Andy Van Slyke jersey. I guess I could always rock out this shirt…

A recap of the past 6 weeks

February 17, 2009

(The guy who comes up with our titles is on vacation.)

Ok, everyone just calm the hell down. Yes, it’s been awhile since your humble editor has graced you all with his presence, but he is still alive and well. (Since this is our main form of communication, I would like to also tell my family to stop worrying.)

I’d like to thank the Northerner for his posts of late. They may not be long, substantial or non-New-England-d-bag-like, but dammit they are humorous. And that’s really our only goal. Well, that and to be discovered for our athletic talent, be pulled out of the stands, and score the winning touchdown for the National Championship.


So let’s catch up, shall we? What has gone on in the sporting world since we last spoke:

Virginia Tech’s Orange Bowl Victory

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Anyone else not overly excited about this? All we felt was relief. FINALLY. But the victory did taste good. Someone won the predictions, but they’ll get their prize next fall. It’s not that I’m lazy. It’s that I just don’t care.

A peak inside the North End Zone offices. The Northerner is on the far right.

(…just kidding. I care IMMENSELY. Like, way more than I should. And I didn’t win a single week. My trophy would have been those Taco Bell enchilada platters. Those things are like Enter Sandman on the tastebuds.)

Unfortunately, based on some prior drunken rants, this BCS bowl win means that we can start talking about winning the whole thing. You won’t hear it from me, however. We are still light years away from being able to compete with the big guys on a regular basis.

Of course, it’s totally possible, and we are a step closer than we were last year. But don’t expect any of those prognostications from us. (You know, despite the fact that we predict Tech to win every game.)

So that’s it for our awesome recap of the game. So thank you Captain Steven Hiller. We can light up that cigar, now.

And for old times sake, have a good summer Big East…


The Steelers won the Superbowl

Yes, I am the die hard Steeler fan on the site. And yes, I was entirely too happy to post anything about the game. No need to brag about it. Especially with the bitterness lying in wait with a Philly fan and Boston fan over here.

Suffice it to say that my T-9 word now recognizes “WOOOOOO!!!!”

The win also capped off the greatest sports year that your humble editor has ever experienced. My hockey team made the finals. My football teams won a BCS bowl and the Superbowl. Hell, my kickball team won the flip cup portion of our league. There really isn’t any realistic way for 365 days to turn out better.

And if you say you don’t have a man crush on Mike Tomlin, you are only kidding yourself.


Brett Favre retires

Way to go Jets. You are such a terrible franchise that you convinced Brett Favre to hang ‘em up.

Ever had a girl go lesbian immediately after dating you?


Preakness goes non-BYOB

It was a sad day at the North End Zone offices when this news was announced. After inspiring what most will argue is our best post on this here site, we are sad to say there will be no more baby pools filled with 9 cases of Natty and ice.

The Preakness immediately goes to the 9th most boring, pointless sporting event in Maryland. The top 7 are played in College Park every fall.

(There are 81 other boring events, but the Orioles are so terrible they are considered exhibitions.)


Tech basketball

WTF??? Are we good or not? Please decide so we can figure out if breaking our tv is worth it.


A-Rod gets busted for steroids

Shocking. A good major league player gets caught for juicing. We just wish everyone would stop acting so surprised. The only surprise would be if a player from the Royals or Pirates were doing anything illegal. It’s tough to cheat your way to 16 straight losing seasons.

And if it ever comes out that Andy Van Slyke was on steroids, my roommates have already warned the local mental institution of a possible new patient.


So that’s our wrap up. We PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE to post more. Like, totally pinky-swear. (No guarantees on the funny.)

Also, suggestions on this year’s 65 team tournament are very much welcome. We thought about doing one to find out who the most badass character in Sudden Death was, but there’re only 65 slots. Not really fair.

Finally, as promised…


Bye Weeks Suck

October 18, 2007

If there is one thing that this week has taught me, its that bye weeks are just terrible, terrible things. My Steelers were off last week, so no reading there. The Hokies are off this coming weekend, which means pretty much nothing to look forward to on Saturday.

As for last Saturday, well, it was just awesome. All kinds of upsets, all kinds of fun. College football is so awesome this year. We just need all the sportswriters over the age of 60 to get bedridden and stop writting about sports.

Things that only happen when you play Duke:

  • You are shocked to find out on Wednesday that the game is actually televised.
  • Prior to your game, there’s an informercial for the Human Fund (or something like it).
  • Your main goal is to not have anyone get hurt.
  • You cry when they do get hurt because it was against Duke.
  • Your secondary goal is to score a decent offensive touchdown (maybe that’s something that only happens when you have our offense).
  • You can’t celebrate when it happens because its against Duke.
  • You start to enjoy the Eastern Motors commercials with Lavar Arrington when he was a Redskin.
  • Someone on tv mentions Cory Holt.
  • After the game, Chef Tony tries to sell you knives… and he does.

So it was an awesome game. Glennon looked good, but it’s Duke. I think BC may have a better defensive line. I don’t know if Tyrod will be ready for BC, but we will see this week. Our offense will not win that game; they can only lose it. As usual, all the offense needs to do is not screw up.

As for this weekend, it should be another good one. Another Saturday doing nothing but watching football.

15 years of baseball in 3 hours.

July 27, 2007
One week ago, I attended a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game. (Yes, they still have a team. Uniforms and everything. It’s really neat.) I was pretty excited: PNC Park, Primanti’s, and fireworks night. Also, we were playing the last place Astros, which meant a good chance at a W.
The seats were incredible, right behind the Bucco dugout. I had my Andy Van Slyke jersey on. The day was perfect. Then, in the first inning, a play happened that defined the rest of the game for the Pirates. And the game represented the past 15 years of being a Pirates fan.

The play in question was a long fly ball to left field. Jason Bay went back to the wall, made a half assed play at it, and the ball hit the top of the 4 foot wall and went for a 2-run home run. Even mediocre teams turn that play into an out.

The rest of the game played out like so:
  • Jack Wilson bunted foul with two strikes.
  • 4 lead-off doubles scored 1 run.
  • 11 players left on base, 5 in scoring position.
  • Bases loaded with one out in the 9th: Strike out, strike out, game over.

Oh, and that last strike out? Swing and a miss, the catcher missed it, and the ball hit the ump in the chest. For a few seconds the catcher couldn’t find it. Luckily, the runner at third wasn’t paying attention, got a late jump, and was out.

Missed opportunites and sloppy play. The game ran two hours and fifty-six minutes, but it was the last decade and a half that went through my mind. Did you know the last time the Pirates had a winning season, the X-Games didn’t exist?

So how does Pittsburgh still have a team? Well, the Zambelli fireworks show afterwards was the perfect metaphor. We don’t come to these games for the baseball, we come because of the entertainment. No one will remember who struck out in the 9th. People will remember that during the Pierogi Race, a giant banana came out and the speakers blasted the “Peanut Butter Jelly Song”.

This also leads to the continued cellar-ness of the Pirates. People stil come to games, and McClatchy still turns a profit. There will be no sale to Mark Cuban or someone that would spend some money when profits are to be made with bad baseball.

After the game, we rode home happy as clams. We saw fireworks and watched hotdogs get launched by an air cannon. We have the Steelers and Penguins for winning. The Pirates are for a relatively inexpensive good time.

Note: For any older fans out there, they played the classic video of the train guy shoveling baseballs into the furnace. Thing’s 20 years old, and the place went nuts. My girlfriend (a new Pirate fan, by default) looked at me like “What the hell was that?”