Game 1: Alabama Preview

OMG OMG OMG!!!! IT’S HEEEEEEEEERE!!!

The ‘Bama game is here and it’s spectacular.

#5 vs. #7. Your grandchildren will hear stories about this game. Your girlfriend might leave or marry you based on this game. Your psychiatrist will note this as the turning point in your life. Your parole officer will be assigned after this game.

There are already a million Tech fans in Atlanta right now. Everyone is going to this game. While it may not be Lane Stadium, it’ll be freaking loud. And if the sound guy is ballzy enough to put on some “Enter Sandman”, the roof will blow off.

We didn’t include Alabama in our Hatefest series. We don’t really have any reason to hate them. But that all changes right now.

The last time we heard from Bama fans was when 90,000 people showed up for their Spring Game. All this tells us is that no one in Alabama has a job.

Not that you can blame them. There is NOTHING to do in Alabama. The greatest accomplishments in the state? They have a song that is more cliché than using The Fray in your movie trailer. They were featured briefly in Forest Gump. And… well that’s about it. They had some famous coach along time ago. Too bad no one gives a shit.

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The Bad Guys

As you most likely heard, one of their players, Brandon Deaderick, was shot this past week… f***ing shot! He has since returned to practice!! He won’t play on Saturday, which is good for us, because he’s apparently the offspring of the pimpest man alive, Sig Hansen.

As for the rest of the Alabama team… well they are kind of good.

They had a redonkulous defense last year, and they will probably be pretty money again. They return 9 starters.

Get ready to hear the name “Terrence Cody”, he’s Alabama’s nose tackle. The guy is 6’5”, 354 lbs!

He won’t get many sacks, since Tyrod can run faster than a manatee. But he will no doubt be a factor in the run game. We may have to (gasp!) run outside.

Apparently they are the Virginia Tech of the SEC, because their offense blows ass. They return only 5 players: 3 wide receivers and 2 linemen. That leaves a lot of inexperience in the other 3 linemen and a somewhat important position, quarterback. Greg McElroy will make his first start under center. He has thrown exactly 20 passes in actual games, and is also an incredible douche*.

*He attends an SEC school, so this is assumed.

Also, this guy went there:

He majored in cheeseburgers.

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The Hokies

As for your Virginia Tech Hokies, we are freaking awesome. We return everyone.

Sure, Darren Evans got hurt, but we’ll be fine. We love Evans and all, but when was the last time we had a running back not succeed here? (Screw you, Imoh.)

Sergio Render is a pimp. Jason Worilds is nasty. And the dual K/Cam engine on defense will crush anyone.

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The Game

Everyone will talk about the play of Tyrod Taylor being the deciding factor. But as long as he doesn’t throw 4 interceptions with 2 going back for touchdowns (known as pulling a Glennon), it won’t much matter what he does. This game is going to come down to defense.

If the over/under is less than 14, take the under. This is going to be a boring, boring game folks. While we would never condone drinking alcohol of any kind (HA!), a few beers on hand would probably be a good call. Your humble editor, The Northerner, and the DiP will be nice and toasty come game time. We’re not watching as a group or anything. We’re just all alcoholics.

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Your Pump Up Song of the Week (other than Metallica)

If you’re on Facebook, your newsfeed is filled with 100 different entrance videos. Since you can’t actually pump “Enter Sandman” at your tailgate for 3 hours straight, allow us to give you one song that will get you psyched enough to spend a weekend in Atlanta.

Gravesmakers and Gunslingers by Coheed and Cambria

You may not have heard it before, but I dare you to listen to it and not want to tackle the next person you see.

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It’s that time. Your first hero for the season.

We didn’t want to go with the usual for this game, since this isn’t a usual game. We can’t go with Steven Hiller. We can’t go with Sig. We can’t even go with Bear.

We need a badass that takes matters into his own hands. We need….

…Liam Neeson in Taken.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Guess how that turned out.

That’s also the transcript of Beamer’s last conversation with Saban. Except for the “daughter” part.

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Biggest game of your life. Nothing else happens on Saturday.

Go Hokies!!!

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8 Responses to “Game 1: Alabama Preview”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    As an Alabama grad, I love the smack talk. First team to 3 wins (and 3 doesn't refer to T. Taylor's interception total).

    And while it's true there's nothing to do in Alabama, I've also driven the length of I-81 in Virginia, so I know the most exciting thing to do is twirl your mullet under the 'Natural Bridge'.

    Last one: I'm glad we passed over Beamer for our coach not once, but twice. He's just good enough to be beloved by your low-expectation fan base. At Alabama, his record would be considered 'slightly craptastic.'

  2. The Northerner Says:

    There is way more to do on the I-81 corridor. I'm talking, of course, about the Natural Bridge Zoo. …and, uh, the caverns?

  3. Mike Rannells Says:

    DO IT…you know Worilds has been in McElroy's nightmares this week.

  4. thefootballgirl Says:

    "But as long as he doesn’t throw 4 interceptions with 2 going back for touchdowns (known as pulling a Glennon), it won’t much matter what he does. This game is going to come down to defense."

    I actually laughed out loud at this. It is my new favorite phrase, and I plan to blatantly steal it and use it in the near future.

  5. thefootballgirl Says:

    Uh, the "pulling a Glennon" part, not the coming down to defense part. I got a little too copy happy.

    And, not only does Natural Bridge have a regular zoo, it also has a drive through safari. Yeah.

  6. Aimee Fausser Says:

    There is a reason there is a facebook group called "At Half Time, I Saw a Girl Throw the Ball Better than Sean Glennon."

  7. C Gally Says:

    You guys forgot about the teepee thing, and Harrisonburg… you know what, nevermind.

    I'm pretty happy Bama didn't get Beamer, too. I'm sure you guys enjoyed going 65 – 63 since '97. And Beamer actually played for a National Championship and has won a BCS Bowl game. How'd that Utah game end up last year?

  8. B-rock Says:

    i love how the Bama fans post anonymously, i think its because nobody there has internet hooked up to their trailers and they have to go to the library to check their email and post on here. PS that tee pee thing on I77 and the outlet mall on I81 are bangin!

    GO HOKIES!!!!

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