HateFest 2009: Why we hate…FSU

Besides the fact that Tallahassee is friggin’ annoying to spell, there are plenty of other reasons why we hate FSU.

The Town

I’ve never been to Tallahassee. I don’t really want to go to Tallahassee. I have a cousin who went to FSU and I don’t really think she liked the town very much. It’s the capital of Florida so it’s got to be a big-ish city. And the fact that it’s the capital of Florida means that it MUST be a bellwether of the state (obvs). Therefore Tallahassee is made up of teacher sex scandaled, brain fried, old white trash. Really makes me want to go there.

The School

FSU really isn’t well known as a good academic school. I hear it’s good for nursing. That’s about it.

The Team

The team used to be real good. Like really good. Not so much anymore. They were the force of the ACC and teams trembled at their feet. Bobby Bowden could make women half his age swoon with dirty thoughts. And Chris Weinke! Damn, he could turn a straight man gay and be one helluva back up in the NFL.

Though things have changed for the Seminoles. They are more commonly referred to as the Criminoles. They haven’t really won any big games for a few years now, and they are getting dominated in the ACC by the new powerhouse team from Blacksburg. They may have won the National Championship twice, 1993 and 1999 (eat shit and die) but they are last century’s team. They haven’t done much since 2000 (save the 2005 ACC CG. Dicks) except have several players arrested and this. Let’s hope they take music history a little more seriously next time.

The Fans/Alumni

The fans aren’t terrible. I mean they’re not great, but when you really don’t have much to work with upstairs, then you tend to be a little more amicable outside of your college football mob mentality arena. Nice people at FSU, but let’s just say they couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.


The tomahawk chop. It’s on par with the USC fight song. You don’t need to do it after every fucking play. Show some self-control. Damn.

The easiest way to piss off a FSU fan is mutter the words “wide right”. It gets them going all the time. Just do it in casual conversation. It’s great. “Boy Tom, that lady’s ass is pretty wide, right?” “Dave, go down the hill and then make a wide right turn” “Hey Megan… WIDE RIGHT”. Works every time.

I heard Chief Osceola once was busted for bootlegging firewater. True story.

And Jen Sturger isn’t that hot.


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