Archive for July, 2009

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… Michigan

July 24, 2009

Do we, as Hokies, have any right to hate on Michigan? Clearly, that answer is “yes”. So let’s have at the only guys getting paid in the state of Michigan, the Wolverine athletes.

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The Team:
Since no one actually knows any players on Michigan, let’s take on the coach.

As a disclaimer, I’d like to say that I had many interactions with John Beilein when he lived in Morgantown. He was nothing but class on and off the court. There will be no hate on him.

Rich Rod, however… well now, let’s get started, shall we?

When he first arrived in Morgantown, the school hired an image consultant to work on his public persona… In Morgantown West Virginia. He needed to improve his image… in Morgantown West Virginia.

I was actually on the sidelines when he lost to Temple in his first season.

Note to WVU fans, none of your coaches will ever be fired. Have fun with Bill “8-4” Stewart.

Note to Michigan fans, Rich’s first season does not necessarily determine how well he’ll do in the future. Too bad you guys are so short sighted that he’ll be ousted after this season. Lloyd Carr won you a National Championship for Christ’s sake! He gets to coach as long as he wants!

Then there’s the whole App State business… we don’t even know what to say. More on this a little later.
Finally, A. Young dropped in with a gem about the team:

“Their stupid helmets. ‘Oh but it’s unique.’ Shut up and put your logo on it or something. Ya douches.”

Truer words have never been spoken.
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The Town/State:
Ok, let’s see how many state of Michigan jokes we can rock out in 5 seconds:

  • Their QBs transfer out of state faster than their manufacturing jobs.
  • The team’s ranking has dropped like GM stock.
  • Ford has a better recovery plan than Rich Rodriguez.
  • This year’s team will showcase less talent than 8 Mile.
  • It’s f*cking cold.

Wow, 5 jokes in 5 seconds. Were they perfect? No. Were they funny? No.

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Fans:
You lost to a D-IAA school… at home. Infact, the Wolverines are 7-8 at home over the past 2 years. Just because the stadium is big does not make it awesome. Or even good. You have to actually cheer to make it a difficult place to play.

Lane stadium is consistently noted as one of the most intimidating atmospheres in college football. Total seating: 66,233. No, we can’t fill a 100,000 seat stadium because we don’t let 25,000 kids in a year. But stand up and clap once in a while. Maybe even a “Wooo”.

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Other:
Just know that every time you lose, the entire country is laughing at you.

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HateFest 2009: Why we hate… Tennessee

July 23, 2009

Rocky Top is an overrated song. End of argument.

The Team:

The Vols last won a Championship (the first BCS title game) in 1998, and since then have been a moderate contender. They have lost all three SEC Championship games they went to since 1998, and remarkably, in 2007, they broke the school record by allowing the most 40+ point games by an opponent with three. Their nickname is the Volunteers, which harkens back to the time the South lost the Civil War, and yet still hasn’t realized it.

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The Town:

Knoxville has perennially been ranked as one of the best college party towns. I’ve been to Knoxville, and maybe it’s me, but I’ve seen better. The only saving grace for K-ville is that Pigeon Forge is pretty close. I’ve also heard Dollywood is a huge UT spring break destination. Plus, Knoxvillians don’t understand sarcasm.

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The Fans and Students and Alumni:

So the girls are hot, I have to give that to them. Which kinda sucks because, well, it makes this argument that much harder. But the whole “Go Vols” cheer, when you have a few shots of Jack in you and a southern accent makes each one of them sound like a ruh-tard. Also, Tennessee has some uncanny way of attracting non-alumni as fans and making them “rabid” followers. I had this one roommate who was from Rochester, went to Tech, and had no other connection to UT save our other roommate (who he had a man-crush on) was from Nashville (not Knoxville) and he basically gutted me when I said anything bad about Phil Fulmer. Go figure. To say their fans are terrible would be a lie, but they are some of the more annoying people to listen to, so we can take that to the bank.

Plus Peyton Manning can suck a fat one. Stop whoring yourself out to sponsorships. You sound like a dumbass whenever you open your mouth.

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Other:

So this is where the unabashed hate comes out. Lane Kiffin hasn’t even coached a game in a Tennessee uniform (figuratively) and yet he thinks his shit don’t stink and has already caused problems within the SEC. It says something when you force people to wonder if in fact Al Davis was actually the sane one in that relationship. Plus his wife is hot and does he really deserve that? No. He doesn’t.

Pat Summit is the women’s basketball coach and is now the winningest coach in the history of women’s basketball. This may not mean much to most of you, but coming from CT and growing up with UConn basketball, Pat Summit is a frigid evil bitch. One time, in an act of absolute un-sportsmanship (which is what I thought women’s sports were all about) she dressed her child up in a UConn t-shirt with a big “X” drawn over the logo. Not a Vols tshirt to support her own team, mind you. It just shows that the woman is a bitch. And she scares me.

Bruce Pearl is a dirty old man. I can respect him for this.

If you’re going to make your end zone all fancy and checkerboarded like you do, at least make it go to the edges rather than have a big checkerboard rectangle in the middle. It looks like you ran out of paint. And it looks stupid.

You know everyone makes fun of Hokies because they don’t know if it’s a special bird, a turkey, a castrated turkey, blah blah blah, but what the hell does a friggin’ dog have to do with being a volunteer. At least we stick to our nickname when we formulate a mascot, and not just go and make a new one up. I’m also talking to you Alabama.

Finally, their shade of orange is ugly. Get a good one like burnt orange. That’s a real man color.

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… OSU

July 23, 2009


Columbus’s only team of note is the Buckeyes (sorry for all that thought it was going to be Blue Jackets, and really sorry for all that thought it was going to be the Crew). Also, Ohio State University feels that they are the only state college worthy of note in Ohio. We beg to differ. Let the hate begin.

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The Team:

The Buckeyes are annually one of the most overrated, overhyped, and over loved teams by the pollsters and the media. Ohio State gets some of the best high school talent in the nation. However, they never seem to have enough speed or athleticism to handle teams from the other BCS conferences. Some might blame the coach for not getting the most out of some of the best talent in the nation, but Tressel seems to get a free pass. I think it’s because of the sweater vest.

Ohio State can easily beat up on the other slower (somehow) Big 11 teams year in and year out. This helps them secure BCS and National Championship bids. No wonder the BIG 11 always votes no to a playoff, when they make it look so easy to get to bowl games.

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The Town:

Ohio State is located in Columbus, Ohio. Yet, Christopher Columbus did not discover it. If he did he would have turned right around and would have never spoken of the new world.

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The Fans and Students and Alumni:

Seriously, if one more student of former athlete calls the school The Ohio State University I might explode. There is nothing more annoying then when you are trying to get a beer during the player introductions and you can hear the athlete yell “THE” from the other room but nothing else. They seem a little too pompous for a school that is 0 for their last 3 in championships for football and basketball.

One of the biggest OSU supports seems to be the one and only Kirk Herbstreit. Being a former Buckeye quarterback his love for OSU is only matched by is love for USC. Try to be a little more neutral for those two teams there Kirk.

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Other:

Jim Tressel here are a couple math truths for you, 38 > 24 and 41 > 14. Also, there is only one man who can rock a sweater vest well and its not you Jim.

mmmmmm Argyle

Pittsburgh is now officially Boston’s AAAA farm team

July 22, 2009

I am shocked, SHOCKED, that I couldn’t find ONE picture of Jason Bay and Adam LaRoche.

PITTSBURGH — The Boston Red Sox added one of the Pittsburgh Pirates’ middle-of-the-order hitters for the second time in as many seasons, acquiring first baseman Adam LaRoche on Wednesday for two mid-level prospects.

In my triumphant return to the NEZ after the best-wedding-to-ever-happen-on-the-face-of-the-earth as well as a pretty damn good honeymoon, I have the great pleasure of informing you all that the Red Sox have pre-meditated an injury at either first, third, or DH and have picked up one of the Pirates better players in one-half of the LaRoche Brothers. Some key points on this trade and what it means for all involved:

1. The Pirates got rid of a free agent at seasons end and picked up two prospects (a hitter with comparable stats to LaRoche and a pitcher who hasn’t shit the bed on the mound) from a farm system known to be best in the league. An oddly smart move for the Buccos.

2. The Red Sox got an insurance plan for three players (not all at one time though) and with one having a bum hip (still) and another still getting his hitting questioned, this is a good acquisition for Theo, only losing parts they could afford to lose (read: they weren’t heading to The Show anytime soon).

3. Now that they are on different teams, the LaRoche Brothers can now only have “LaRoche” on the back of their uni’s rather than the I’m-not-unique “Ad. LaRoche” and “An. LaRoche”.

4. Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson better have their bags already packed, because one or both of them are not going to be in Pittsburgh nine days from now. Guaranteed.

Anyway, on a different note, I’m loving this HateFest 2009 business and urge all the readers to contribute to the comment section and email us any thoughts you have on any teams you may hate, dislike, or loathe with the fire of a thousand suns. Oh and the Yankees suck.

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… Notre Dame

July 22, 2009

Welcome to Hatefest 2009. We have 7 weeks until kick off, and thought it would be a good idea to piss off everyone we hate. This week: Big names we never play.

Oh Notre Dame. Once the great team that everyone aspired to play for. Now, the Irish are the bane of the BCS’s existence. Rudy even thinks they get too much credit. So let’s have at it.

The Town
Can’t say we really know anything about South Bend. Other than the fact that it’s in Indiana. And Indiana kinda sucks.

The School
Since the school seems to be pretty solid, we will discuss the mascot in this section.

As an Irish Catholic, I am absolutely appalled, offended, and livid at the use of the term “Fighting Irish”. How stereotypical can a school get? What, didn’t want to throw “Drunken” in there too? If the Native Americans can get angry about the Redskins, I see no reason I should let this ridiculous mockery of my culture continue.

Besides, I only drank 4 nights last week, and only 3 of those nights ended in fisticuffs. So THERE.

The Fans
Back in the day, if you were Catholic, you rooted for Notre Dame. That’s like a free 10,000,000 fans off the bat. But that’s why we call it “back in the day”. Today, we honestly can’t say we know a single fan of this team. Hell, we can’t even find anyone that doesn’t hate this team with a passion.

Apparently the only fans of this team are sitting on the BCS committee and in the AP. We can’t wait for all the old people in college football to die off so this whole Notre Dame bias can go the hell away.

The Team
HAHAHAHA!! 9 consecutive bowl losses (congrats on that Hawaii Bowl win this past season, boys!), 10-15 over the past two seasons (woooo Charlie Weis recruits!), and a worse record for the current coach than they had with Tyrone Willingham.

They are so overrated that they’re often mistaken for the movie Garden State.

But the true hate comes from the 2000 season…

Final BCS rankings:

  • Virginia Tech #5
  • Notre Dame #11

Bowl game:

  • Virginia Tech: Gator Bowl
  • Notre Dame: Fiesta Bowl

No no, that’s totally fair. This system isn’t completely f’ed up.

How’d those bowl games go over, by the way?

  • Virginia Tech won 41 – 20
  • Notre Dame lost 41 – 9 (to Oregon State!!)

We’re fairly certain that Michael “Ookie” Vick could have put up more than 9 points on the freaking Beavers.

So despite not ever playing the Irish, we still hate them for dicking us over.

Other
Charlie Weis still owes me $50.

Weekend recap

July 20, 2009

The N is still out on vacation, so here’s a half hearted attempt to recap your weekend.

Tom Watson does his best Greg Norman impression
Well, it wasn’t quite that bad. The guy is too old to be playing that well in a major, so he can take that to heart. That putt on 18 was painful to watch, however. He choked like Bob Stoops in a bowl game.

The ESPYs took place
I didn’t actually watch, but the cell phone blew up with news that Matt Ryan won the break-through athlete of the year award. Good lord do we hate this guy. He’s so smarmy-looking that he should be hosting the Joe Schmo Show. So add this to his list of accomplishments, including 2007 Champs Sports Bowl Champion.


Baseball – Northerner style…

Red Sox: yayyyy
Yankees: booooo
Pirates: hahaha
Other teams: ???

Michael Vick is a free man
He’s still upset that he left his Rita Hayworth poster in his prison cell.

That’s all I got. Hope everyone had a better weekend than Tiger. Hatefest 2009 Week 2 begins tomorrow. Get your hate in for those big name teams we never actually play Notre Dame, Tennessee, Ohio State, and Michigan are all on the slate for some hate.

Yes, it rhymed.

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… ECU

July 17, 2009

So ECU… look, we all know why we are supposed to hate them. They beat us last year in one of the most embarrassing losses in recent memory. But in all fairness, we still blame that solely on the coaching staff’s uncanny ability to waste no time off a turning clock.

The loss also led to the un-re-redshirting of Tyrod, which eventually led to an Orange Bowl win.
And we don’t really know anything about ECU. Does anyone actually go there? I met someone that transferred to Tech from ECU, but I’m pretty sure that was just a lie.
They also donated a ton of money to the Virginia Tech fund after 4/16, and seemed to be nothing but respectful to us in the opening game.
So we’ve got nothing. Congratulations, ECU. You dodged the hate bullet.
Don’t expect to be so lucky, WVU.

Jimmy Williams, officially not covering wide receivers

July 15, 2009

Word out of the NFL offices today:

Free-agent cornerback Jimmy Williams has been suspended for a full year. The suspension apparently arises from his latest violation of the league’s substance-abuse policy, according to Howard Balzer of the Sports Xchange.

Yes, considered to be the most overrated player in Virginia Tech history (by your humble editor, anyways), Jimmy Williams will now have an excuse as to why he’s not covering anybody. No, pumping up the crowd did not count as a valid reason.

Chances of the Falcons ever drafting a Hokie again? About the same as the DiP posting anything funny.

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… Temple? Who hates Temple?

July 15, 2009

It’s hard to hate on an Independent team, because that means no one wanted them to begin with. It is kind of like hating on an adopted child. But we will do it anyway.

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The Team:

Well, the reason for the hate boils down to one date on one awful afternoon in Lane Stadium. A winless Temple team, that played 20 freshmen, came into Lane and defeated the undefeated 15th ranked Hokies. This October 17, 1998 debacle is touted as one of the biggest upsets in college football history, and it is one of the biggest embarrassments that will ever plague Hokie football.

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The School:

Temple is a Big 5 school for kids who are not smart enough for UPenn or not religious enough for St. Joe’s or Villanova. Also, Temple has a poor campus that is spread throughout Philadelphia and located in a not so safe part of town.

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The Town:

There is nothing bad to say about the town. It is the best Pennsylvania city and maybe the best city in the country.

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The Students and Fans:

The students make a habit of chocking, hitting and just being unsportsmanlike to opposing players when they pass them around campus. This may be attributed to former Coach John Cheney volunteering as an Orientation leader. It is nice to see after his coaching career is over he is still giving back to the community.

Temple has one great super-fan and he is Bill Cosby. A Temple grad and former football player Bill Cosby bleeds Temple sports. He even dressed up a puppet in Temple gear for his short lived game show.

I think Bill Cosby needed to be more concerned with making Temple football better and making Lisa Bonet appear in more Cosby Show episodes than talking to little kids and trying to get all of us to eat his pudding pop.

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Other:
Does anyone really want to hear more Temple talk?

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… JMU

July 14, 2009

Welcome to Hatefest 2009. We have 8 weeks until kick off, and thought it would be a good idea to piss off everyone we hate. This week: Mid-majors and lower. Case in point…

We know, this may seem a little ridiculous. I mean, JMU? Come on. It’s like kicking puppies, right?

But for anyone that has had a friend at JMU, you know exactly what we’re talking about.

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The Team
Well, there’s really not much here. OH EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME THEY THREW KEVIN JONES INTO THE F*CKING WALL.

We’d show a video of it, but no video camera has ever recorded a JMU game. Suffice it to say that Mr. Jones was thrown head first into the white concrete wall surrounding Worsham Field.

The offending player was rightfully thrown out of the game. He should probably count himself lucky, as his head would have probably been pummeled through the goal post.

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The School:
We’ve all heard the “Just Missed Uva” joke before. (Speaking of jokes, JMU was the fall-back for 50% of the Alabama football team.) JMU kids don’t just miss UVA, they can barely spell it.

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The Town:

There’s a tunnel under the interstate that students use to get to class. No other details are needed.

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The Fans and Students:
Aaaaand here we are. The reason that JMU is on our Hatefest list. But where to start?

Can I get the uppity-ness of UVA without any of the academic credentials? Why yes!

Did you know that JMU has a reputation for having a lot of girls? Did you know that said girls have a reputation for being promiscuous? Did you know that JMU has the only Division-I football championship in the state of Virginia? If you had a friend at the school, you had all of it shoved down your freaking throat.

The football thing is such a joke. There’s no other response than to say “Really?” over and over. The year of their championship, their average attendance at home games was 47. They had 4 sellouts.

Have you seen anyone with JMU apparel? Well, other than girls that want to broadcast that they’re a sure thing.

Also, a direct quote from the last time they played in Blacksburg:

JMU Fan: “$5 for a program? They’re free at our home games.”
Me: “Really?? I mean… Really?”

And of course, there’s the fall wedding… still bitter.

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Other:
OMFG HAVE YOU HEARD THEIR BAND??? It’s better than any band ever in the history of life. Led Zeppelin worships them.

Another direct quote from the last game:

JMU Fan: “Our band could kick your band’s ass.”
VT Fan: “Our band could kick your football team’s ass!”

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I guess that’s it. Have fun in Harrisonburg. Enjoy that crazy night life ya’ll have.