Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… JMU

Welcome to Hatefest 2009. We have 8 weeks until kick off, and thought it would be a good idea to piss off everyone we hate. This week: Mid-majors and lower. Case in point…

We know, this may seem a little ridiculous. I mean, JMU? Come on. It’s like kicking puppies, right?

But for anyone that has had a friend at JMU, you know exactly what we’re talking about.

———————————

The Team
Well, there’s really not much here. OH EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME THEY THREW KEVIN JONES INTO THE F*CKING WALL.

We’d show a video of it, but no video camera has ever recorded a JMU game. Suffice it to say that Mr. Jones was thrown head first into the white concrete wall surrounding Worsham Field.

The offending player was rightfully thrown out of the game. He should probably count himself lucky, as his head would have probably been pummeled through the goal post.

———————————

The School:
We’ve all heard the “Just Missed Uva” joke before. (Speaking of jokes, JMU was the fall-back for 50% of the Alabama football team.) JMU kids don’t just miss UVA, they can barely spell it.

———————————

The Town:

There’s a tunnel under the interstate that students use to get to class. No other details are needed.

———————————

The Fans and Students:
Aaaaand here we are. The reason that JMU is on our Hatefest list. But where to start?

Can I get the uppity-ness of UVA without any of the academic credentials? Why yes!

Did you know that JMU has a reputation for having a lot of girls? Did you know that said girls have a reputation for being promiscuous? Did you know that JMU has the only Division-I football championship in the state of Virginia? If you had a friend at the school, you had all of it shoved down your freaking throat.

The football thing is such a joke. There’s no other response than to say “Really?” over and over. The year of their championship, their average attendance at home games was 47. They had 4 sellouts.

Have you seen anyone with JMU apparel? Well, other than girls that want to broadcast that they’re a sure thing.

Also, a direct quote from the last time they played in Blacksburg:

JMU Fan: “$5 for a program? They’re free at our home games.”
Me: “Really?? I mean… Really?”

And of course, there’s the fall wedding… still bitter.

———————————

Other:
OMFG HAVE YOU HEARD THEIR BAND??? It’s better than any band ever in the history of life. Led Zeppelin worships them.

Another direct quote from the last game:

JMU Fan: “Our band could kick your band’s ass.”
VT Fan: “Our band could kick your football team’s ass!”

———————————

I guess that’s it. Have fun in Harrisonburg. Enjoy that crazy night life ya’ll have.

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12 Responses to “Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… JMU”

  1. Sean Hogan Says:

    Well done, sir.

    I'm not a big fan of girls that look like Oompa Loompas to be honest (in terms of skin color more than height, of course).

  2. Chokies Says:

    ACC is weak. Enjoy another loss to the SEC this fall. You've got a lot to look forward to.

  3. Maniak Says:

    Aw thats adorable an anonymous SEC fan is flaming another message board without letting us know who they are. guess they really are all a bunch of pussies.

    And i wholeheartedly agree with this rant, being the twin brother of the biggest JMU fan evAr. Who also had a GF for 3.5 years of his life there. Good for me!

  4. C Gally Says:

    I enjoy trash-talk as much as th enext guy, but come on Chokies. At least be funny. Save your "ACC is weak" comment for an ESPN article.

  5. Tremonkey Says:

    Sounds like you VT boys had your daily helping of Haterade 🙂 There's a lot I would like to address here but I'm on vacation and not feeling uppity, so just one correction for now: the University of Richmond has also won a Division 1 football championship now, because they won the FCS championship last year. Unfortunately we lost to Montana in the semi-finals of the playoffs.

    Good luck to the Hokies in the fall, I think we are all in agreement when I say that I am releived Sean Glennon's time is up.

  6. C Gally Says:

    Was your four years at the school not enough of a vacation?

    BA-ZING!!

    Glad to see you get what we're trying to do here.

  7. JMU Grad Says:

    All of this is true… I went there. Sad thing is our team sucks so bad, I really don't even care.

  8. C Gally Says:

    Thanks mysterious JMU grad…

    YOU HAD TO HAVE IT DURING THE GEORGIA TECH GAME??? Of all games man, really? ARRGGHHH!

  9. Anonymous Says:

    You hate JMU because while being much newer on the scene than VT, it has already surpassed it in popularity and respectability.

    You want to discuss safety schools?

    Virginia Tech barely supersedes Longwood on the "if it comes down to that" list.

    Accept it and stop measuring your baby carrot dick against the almighty SEC.

  10. another angry duke Says:

    Wow. Usually I try to avoid typecasting people based on where they went to college. But, seeing as your post assumes that I, a female JMU alum, am an illiterate slut who only went to college to learn how to give a better blow job, I'm gonna go ahead and believe that the stereotype of Tech fans as arrogant jerk-offs must be pretty accurate.

    C'mon. I don't think any Dukes honestly think that the JMU team can hold a candle to Tech. We're AA, for pete's sake! But we still love our football and our purple and gold gear comes in handy when Tech plays a certain SEC team who, if I'm remembering correctly, beat the Hokies by a 42 point margin in 2007.

    If you're gonna smack-talk about football, pick on a team your own size. But if you're gonna bash a university on the merits of its academics and campus life– remember that your mascot is a turkey, one of your most competitive majors is agriculture, and, contrary to popular belief, most JMU girls have higher ambitions than a roll in the hay with an unfunny douchebag like yourself.

  11. Anonymous Says:

    Since regurgitating stereotypes is always funny, and never gets old, here we go:

    Tech is a school comprised of a bunch of farmers, who aren't attractive by anyone's standards, beer is never free, everyone has all of their classes in a 5,000 person auditorium, and a football team that continuously fails to live up to standards.

    I could be a comedy writer, yeah?

  12. Chokies Says:

    Nice choke there this weekend chokies… as a matter of fact, nice choke by the rest of the ACC too. Man, they looked like a powerhouse conference.

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