Archive for July, 2009

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… LSU

July 31, 2009


There are just so many reasons for the Hokies to hate on LSU. Most are so obvious, do we even need to get into them? Yes. Yes we do.

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The Town
Baton Rouge isn’t quite New Orleans, but it’s still in Louisiana. It’s like the worst of both worlds.

The stadium is nicknamed “Death Valley”. Just like Clemson. And that shitty place out west. Coupled with the amazing creativity of the “Tiger” mascot, LSU just oozes originality.

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The Team
Ugh, they’re pretty damn good. Two BCS Championship in this decade, and a slew of BCS bowl wins. Doesn’t mean they don’t suck.
The 2007 game is enough to make you want to punch babies. Sure, we turned it around eventually that year, but no one should have to take that kind of shellacking during such a hyped up game. Well, no one outside of Columbus, Ohio.
No one actually cares about anyone on the team. Seriously, name a player. No one cares.
Now the coaches? Well they are the worst human beings on the planet. Nick Saban might actually be the devil.

And just look at Les Miles.

The only way the guy could look like a bigger douche would be if he put on an ATO shirt.

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The Students/Alumni/Fans
Fall 2002. As a wide-eyed Lee Hall-dwelling freshman, your humble editor was more than excited for the big game against LSU. Saturday night? Eh, let’s go take a look around downtown… HOLYFREAKINGCRAP! Riot police? For real? I thought I got out of Morgantown.

Yes, LSU fans are known for having started a riot in the smallest town to ever have a riot. Congratulations guys, you were big enough asshats to get a town of 30,000 to go insane.

How’d that game turn out, by the way?

Of course, there are plenty of alumni, mostly due to the rigid “700 SAT score or higher” rule. The aforementioned Jamarcus Russell and Shaquille O’Neal are both notables. Though, according to the documentary Blue Chips, Shaq was paid to play there.

You also have James Carville, best known for his role in Old School. Also known for being “circus ugly”.

Now let me get off the usual track and onto my pedestal. We received a great Hatefest email from avid reader, Kristin. (We are using the term “avid reader” pretty loosely.) I will allow her to explain watching the debacle that was the 2007 LSU game at a sports bar with some Hokies and Tiger fans interspersed:

There was one LSU fan in particular who seemed to be running his mouth more than anyone – I thought he was great at first, despite the fact he looked like a tool. Allow me to describe: blonde FoHawk, black-painted fingernails, yellow LSU shirt, and camo cargo shorts…an ensemble to be reckoned with apparently. His camaraderie soon turned sour when he began standing up in front of the projector as our team was lined up on the field and proceeded to make his hand shadow into the shape of a gun and started “shooting” our players.

Yeah, it was the game 5 months after 4/16.

So let this be a lesson to you: one person can define the entire fanhood. There are probably a million LSU fans out there. But this one donkey-f*ck defined all Tiger fans for K. But she put it better than I ever could:

It’s pretty sad that I’m basing the majority of my hatred on one insignificant waste of space in the universe, but I guess it’s true that your team is only as good as your worst player.

So kids, don’t be a douche. If someday I finally summon the courage to walk up to a girl at a bar, I’d rather not get shut down because she was once kicked in the face by a VT fan. I can manage to get shut down on my own.

/end pedestal sequence

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Other
Since the fan section went on so long, we’ll bump the “Tiger Bait” portion to here.

While I didn’t actually attend the 2007 game, I did gather from just about anyone that went that the rumors about SEC fans are true: they are the most annoying people in the history of life.

Yeah, we freaking get it, Tiger Bait. Again with the originality. The guy 20 feet before you said the exact same thing. You probably heard him!

About as clever as a WVU fan’s f-bomb usage.

Is it Christmas? In July?

July 31, 2009

I don’t know if Sean Burnett knows the definition of irony, but he knows how to use it in a sentence (from Circling the Bases):

Former Pirates and current Nats pitcher Sean Burnett on the state of the Pirates:

They’re the laughingstock of baseball right now. They’ve gotten rid of everybody. They won’t keep anybody around. Some of the guys here, they don’t understand it, but Nyjer and I knew this was coming. What I keep telling the guys here is that the hardest part is that Pittsburgh, as a sports town, is unbelievable. With what the Steelers and Penguins have done, they’re dying for a winner in baseball, too. They’re dying to cheer the Pirates on. And now, they don’t have anybody they even know. Guys like Jack and Freddy, the faces of the franchise, players they’re supposed to be locking up, they’re all gone. What’s going to bring people to the ballpark now?”

CGally gets upset with me when I make fun of the Pirates, but seriously, how do I turn down ammo like this or anything else they do? It would be a disservice to all of you if I didn’t post these things. But back to the post, who does Sean Burnett think he is? Oh that’s right, a player the Pirates got rid of. I guess he might know what he’s talking about. Carry on, Sean.

HateFest 2009: Why we hate… USC

July 31, 2009

This should be the end of the post: Who else gets a friggin’ BCS bowl to basically be a home game?

But it’s not.

The Team:

Where do we begin? USC has been a powerhouse since back when your dad was banging the chick before your mom. They have been winning games like it’s their job. Probably because it is their job, but nevermind. They reside in the Pac-10, which is pretty much a guaranteed berth in a BCS bowl every year. And we can’t really say they don’t deserve it, because they generally clean house when they get to the bowl games as well. However, there was one game that comes to mind that they should have lost, save for a bogus pass interference call turned the tide and momentum towards the Durexes.

The Trojans have a .717 all-time win percentage, and Pete Carroll has only 15 losses with USC, entering his 7th year. They’ve had 11 national titles, 38 conference championships, 7 Heisman winners, 154 consensus All-Americans, and they poop vanilla scented rose petals. They are the popular guy in high school that everyone hated but couldn’t bring down.

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The Town:

The school is in LA. Not the good part of LA. But LA nonetheless. I don’t know why you would ever want to go to school in LA. Personally, I’m glad I was in Blacksburg where the only thing close to paparazzi were the sorority girls at the table next to you. I can’t imagine having the possibility of getting photographed all the time when I look back on some of the shit I did in college. Gives me the chills just thinking about it.

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The Fans and Students and Alumni:

As I said with Tennessee, the girls are hot. This also doesn’t help the argument here. Except the girls are a lot hotter here than in Tennessee. Yet the retard level is jacked up about 100 times. The girls are still smart, because USC, sadly to say, is a decent academic school, but they still are as dumb as a beagle running into a glass door for the 10th time.

There are more famous alumni from USC than I can even count. I don’t want to get into it, but suffice it to say they have more than their fair share of successful alumni. Greedy bastards.

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Other:

Have you ever watched a game with USC on TV? I’m sure you have. And I’m sure at some point you have said the words “I swear to everything that’s holy if they play that song one more GD time I’m going to drive out to California and shove a French horn up the band leader’s ass”.

Well here is that song.

I want to kick puppies every time I hear that thing.

What other team has been to a single bowl game so often that their cheerleaders have special uniforms specially made for that game? We get it. You love the Rose Bowl. Give it a rest.

And as for the cheerleaders uniforms, how about you update them to be less 1950’s. I get that they are classic and tasteful and blah blah blah. Cheerleaders are there for one reason. To look hot so as to entice the men in the stands to cheer and stop focusing on the exact positioning of the linebackers for three seconds. Slut it up, ladies. Those sweaters ain’t helping your cause.

Finally, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush recently broke up. How’s that for karma? How does that 2004 BCA Classic win taste now? Huh? Huh? Yeah. Tastes bitter, doesn’t it?

There will be, literally, no one left

July 30, 2009

From Rotoworld.com:

A deal that would send John Grabow and Tom Gorzelanny from the Pirates to the Cubs is “just about done,” reports Dejan Kovacevic of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.

Chicago has been on the hunt for another reliable left-handed reliever and Grabow (3.65 ERA in 43 appearances) would be a good fit. No word yet on what Pittsburgh would acquire in the transaction. The deal would deplete the Pirates of left-handed relief pitching at the top of the organization, with Donnie Veal the only lefty reliever remaining on the big league club.
With Sanchez leaving last night and all the rest taking off before him, the Pirates will have almost no one on the team who will be associated with any of their past 16 years. Look for them to win the NL Central next year. Their jerseys will be adorned with a large and prominent middle finger with the number 17 in the middle (this will be their 17th consecutive losing season). On the back will be either Rinku or Dinesh. They will sell like hotcakes.

Hatefest 2009: Why we hate… Auburn?

July 30, 2009

Big names we have sometimes played week starts a little late with Auburn.


The team:

The reason why the Hokies hate Auburn goes back to the 2005 Sugar Bowl Game. With 2 minutes left in the game, the Auburn Tigers were able to run out the game clock without ever moving forward. Auburn found a way, while having the 25 second play clock, to just take knees to end the game. I know you are thinking how? 25 times 3 only is 75 seconds which is 1 minute and 15 seconds. They used a nicely timed delay of game penalty which made the clock continue to run and gave them another down to keep the clock running. Nothing like having a stupid penalty that goes against oneself help determine the outcome of a game.

This has been dubbed in some circles as “taking an Auburn knee”. This means to stop playing and run out the clock long before it seems capable of doing so. (Someone really has to put that in urban dictionary)

The town:

Auburn, Alabama is a lot like Blacksburg, in that it is dominated by the college campus. Auburn also has a very large Fine Arts Museum. Whatevs.

The Fans and Students:

Seriously, pick a mascot already. Is it the Tiger or is it the War Eagle? What is going on down there?

Also, since Auburn is a SEC school they automatically have better looking co-eds, which is just annoying.

Auburn’s greatest and most vocal alumnus is the one and only Sir Charles Barkley. He should worry more about his horrible golf swing or running for governor of Alabama than Auburn athletics.

Hatefest 2009 to return momentarily

July 30, 2009

Your humble editor has been a little swamped of late, but rest assured that the hating will start again today with big name teams we some times play.

(If you’d like to see what has been taking all of my time, feel free to check out the greatest Craigslist ad of all time. Also, feel free to reply to it… as long as you’re NOT another Mountaineer.)

Hatefest will be back in full force, so get ready to raise the roof.

DING DING DING… We have a winner! (for real this time)

July 29, 2009

At least the Pirates, as a whole, got a little prettier.

According to RotoWorld:

Pirates acquired RHP Nathan Adcock and three other minor-leaguers from the Mariners for RHP Ian Snell and SS Jack Wilson.

Adcock, a 6-foot-5 21-year-old, was 5-7 with a 5.29 ERA and a 71/54 K/BB ratio in 19 starts for Single-A High Desert. He’s obviously a long way from the majors and probably won’t ever make it as a starter.

Now I don’t know who the three other minor-leaguers are, but if Adcock is the centerpiece for the Pirates in this trade, they got scrizewed. Why would they get rid of a decent shortstop and a decent pitcher for a terrible pitcher (who may never even make it to the bigs) and three unknown (to me) prospects? The world may never know.

We have a winner?

July 28, 2009

For those of you who put money down that Freddy Sanchez would beat out Jack Wilson to get traded, this news comes as a sign that you might be in for a windfall soon. Says Rotoworld:

According to Jeff Fletcher of AOL Fanhouse, the Angels are likely looking at Freddy Sanchez.

Fletcher thinks this could mean that Howie Kendrick could be shipped out in a separate deal. It’s the only way this would make sense considering the contributions they have been getting from Kendrick and Maicer Izturis of late.

Who the Pirates will be getting in turn for Sanchez is still up in the air, but be thankful, Bucs fans, that it probably wont be Howie Kendrick, because that trade would make absolutely no sense for the Pirates. Then again, that might be their angle. An extremely shitty angle, but an angle nonetheless.

UPDATE: As I was posting that last bit of news, this info came through the wire:

Jon Heyman of SI.com writes that the Giants’ pursuit of Freddy Sanchez seems “pretty serious.”

According to Heyman, the Pirates are currently scouting the Giants abundant minor league system. The team could use an upgrade from second base options that have combined for an NL-worst .225/.281/.304 line this season.
Now I don’t know if that last line means the Pirates or the Giants have the NL-worst second basemen, but this just adds to the “Sanchez is getting traded” whispers.

How the Nationals got their groove back.

July 28, 2009

At the beginning of the season adding Adam Dunn could not help.

A third of the way through the season adding Nyjer Morgan could not help.

Half way through the season firing manager Manny Acta could not help.

But now, “Hitting” Jose Morales has.


The National’s announce team has tapped up a baseball card of, former Expo, Jose Morales in the booth. This card was sent in by an anonymous fan (someone who didn’t want to be known as the guy who still knows where their baseball cards are). Bob Carpenter and Rob Dibble have even brought the card on the road with them to Milwaukee, last night. The card is seems to be the sole reason why the Nats have a 3 game winning streak or so thinks Rob Dibble. He expresses his love for Jose Morales every time the Nats get a hit by yelling “ “Hitting” Jose Morales ” over the air. So, maybe adding Jose Morales to a coaching staff might be needed. Imagine how much better the Nats would be with a real life Morales than a card board picture.

Bob Carpenter is looking for a card to improve pitching. Please look around and help out the Nats. If talent can’t help maybe old baseball cards can.

On an aside, if Josh Willingham was a Pirate he would be on his way to Boston right now after his 2 grand slam performance.

Weekend recap

July 27, 2009

You know everyone loves “Wedding Crashers” and the whole concept of “Wedding Season” but when you have to drive from NY to VA three times in four weeks, weddings start to get really friggin’ old.

1. Lance Armstong lost the Tour de France to his Astana teammate. He was not happy or a good loser about it. He was a dick. Someone should tell him that just because he beat cancer, won 7 consecutive Tours, banged Sheryl Crow, had like 5 kids despite only having one nut, and still rakes in the ladies doesn’t mean he can be an asshole when he gets third in the Tour after a 2.5 year retirement. Oh what’s that? He is allowed to do that because of all those things? Oops, my bad.

2. Jimmie Johnson won the Brickyard this weekend, apparently because Montoya got some kind of speeding penalty. At an auto race. I don’t know what that means, and honestly, I couldn’t care less. This is what they do at NASCAR events:

3. Tyson Gay has basically guaranteed that he will “shock the world” at the 100m next month and beat out Usain Bolt. Here’s a little tip, Tyson. You won’t. Bolt has his own dancers. He doesn’t even try to run fast and he beats out the other racers by like 3 seconds. I mean, if you think you can win, then all the power to you, but I just don’t think it will happen. Also, for next time, you might want to wait until like a week before the competition to make these guarantees. Now Bolt will train harder in the next month just in order to beat you out, and secondly, no one will remember that you said this a month from now. If you did it a week before, then everyone would pay attention. But not a month away. Come on, man, thats just elementary stuff.

4. Jim Rice and Rickey Henderson got inducted into the Hall of Fame. No discussion needed here, they were both deserving. Some will argue that Rice shouldn’t have gotten in (ebj – looking at you) but no one will argue the election of the Henderson. He’s stolen more bases than CGally has stolen ladies’ hearts. So that would be at least one. Ba dum dum.

5. The MLB trade talks are ongoing and it looks like Halladay probably won’t be moving before the trade deadline. He’s a free agent next year and has already said that if the BJs don’t trade him then he will be open to testing the market. That way any team who wants him could get hime for the same money they would sign him an extension, and not have to give up an prospects. Shoot for the playoffs next year buddy.

6. Terrell Owens says that suspending Vick for four games this season would be “ridiculous”. This may be the only remotely intelligent thing this manchild has ever said. For the first time in my life I can honestly say, “I agree with T.O.” Oooh, I just got the chills. And a small part of my soul just died.