Archive for June, 2009

Weekend recap

June 29, 2009

Alright, so here’s the deal. I wasn’t at work on Friday and didn’t get to watch any sports happenings this weekend. I was in Maine getting my whitewater rafting on for my bachelor party. So this week, instead of a weekend recap of sports, I will be doing a weekend recap of my weekend. Enjoy. And yes, this is quite narcissistic. Deal with it.

1. The drive to Maine is effing looooong when you leave from NY. 7 hours. To put it in perspective, we were north of the Canada-Vermont-NH line. We were still in the US, but far up there. I think they said something like we were 10 miles from Quebec. Anyways, it was a long drive. And there was nothing up there in The Forks, ME. Just whitewater rafting companies. Oh, and black flies. If those things served a purpose to the human race, the state of Maine would be swimming in cash.

2. CGally was invited to join, but he pussed out and didn’t end up coming. Most likely because he couldn’t handle the drinking. More to come in the comment section.

3. The water on the Kennebec was cooooooooold. They told us it was about 60 degrees, but I call shenanigans and I’m going with something more like 34 degrees. We didn’t have anyone fall off the boat, because we’re real men, and only went in the water to go swimming down what they call “swimmer’s rapids”. We promptly got out when it got hard to breathe, our arms stopped working, and I developed another belly button.

4. If I had to sum up the trip in one word, that word would be: dizzybat. I have several bruises, cuts, aches, and pains from what happened via the dizzybat. For those of you who don’t know what it is, you take a wiffle ball bat, open up a hole in the butt, and one about a quarter-way from the top and, while holding a finger over the hole near the top, fill the bat up with your favorite beverage. Then you drink out from the butt of the bat, letting go of the hole, so you end up shotgunning the drink. Then when you’re done, you put your forehead on the bat, bat on the ground, and spin ten times. Then after the tenth time, someone throws you an empty can that you proceed to try and hit. Or if your name is Maniak, you swing like you’re Dustin Pedroia after someone told him a 5’6″ second baseman couldn’t make it as a hitter in the bigs and effing hit the guy who is about to throw the can and give him a nice welt on the back of the arm. Dick.

5. Whitewater rafting guides love to drink. And apparently, do the dizzybat. And they all look exactly how you think they would. Plus, if you give them a few beers, they will treat you like a friggin’ king. Very easy to please.

6. Did you hear Michael Jackson got into an accident the day before he died? He rear-ended a twelve-year old. No, but in all seriousness, the autopsy came back yesterday and said he died of food poisoning. He ate nine-year old wiener. Ba-ZING.

So, I don’t know what happened in the sports world this weekend because there was absolutely no cell service up there, so while you read this post, I will be seeing what went on. Then we can meet back up and discuss.

I wish I could have filmed this

June 25, 2009

Anyone have any Cheetos?

SYDNEY, Australia – Wallabies snacking in Tasmania’s legally grown opium poppy fields are getting “high as a kite” and hopping around in circles, trampling the crops, a state official said.

Tasmania Attorney-General Lara Giddings told a budget hearing Wednesday that she had recently read about the kangaroo-like marsupials’ antics in a brief on the state’s large poppy industry. Tasmania is the world’s largest producer of legally grown opium for the pharmaceutical market.

“We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles,” The Mercury newspaper quoted Giddings as telling the hearing. “Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high.”

For those of you who don’t know, wallabies are effing awesome. They are essentially small kangaroos. If you go to Australia, they have these things hopping around free in the zoos like we would have deer or donkeys or other boring shit. They have wallabies. They also bring out a wheelbarrow full of corn, lettuce, carrots, and whatnot, and you can scoop some up and hand feed them. If they gave us poppies to feed them I could have died right then and there because my life wouldn’t have gotten any better. And I’m getting married in two weeks (shameless bragging). Bottomline, wallabies are effing awesome on their own(only to be rivaled by sea otters and some penguins), and to have them wandering around in circles after getting high off some opium is hilarious. I wish I could have been there.

He’s almost back

June 24, 2009

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was welcomed back to baseball with rousing cheers. In the minor leagues, anyway. Ramirez, easing back into playing shape after a 50-game drug suspension, suited up for the Albuquerque Isotopes as they beat Nashville 1-0. Ramirez wore No. 99 for the Dodgers’ top farm club. He played four innings and was hitless in two at-bats. The capacity crowd of 15,321 was the largest in Albuquerque’s baseball history.

How apropos is it that he is playing for the Isotopes? Is there anyone else in the world, real or fictional, that Manny resembles more than Homer Simpson? I think not. And apparently, the actual Isotopes were named after that Simpsons’ episode where Homer goes on the hunger strike to stop the Springfield team from moving to, you guessed it, Albuquerque. Anyway, Ramirez is almost off his suspension for doing PEDs, so we are only days away from the circus that will be LA when he does come back. Hopefully I will be out of the country when that happens.

Weekend recap

June 22, 2009

Just one week ago we were laughing and talking about how the Penguins won the Stanley Cup. That seems like a distant memory now, and we must move on from that concert of luck to see what’s going on in the rest of the sports world. Oh and this effing rain can cut the shit and go away for a while. Like after July 11th.

1. Tiger Woods is not doing well (relatively) at Bethpage. As we speak, Lucas Glover and Ricky Barnes are through 1 and tied at -7. Update again at the end of this post. Mickelson is also not doing great, but he isn’t out of it yet, tied for 3rd at -2 through 2.

2. On a related note, our boy Drew Weaver made the cut on the second day, and currently t40 at +7. What? You want to make fun? You go +7 at Bethpage. No, don’t apologize to me, apologize to Drew. Dick.

3. Red Sox won. Yankees lost. Mets lost. Pirates played. Everyone was happy. Well not everyone, namely NY fans, but who the hell cares about them? Not me! I say. Sox take on your precious Nationals tonight, who seem to have a uncharacteristic winning streak of sorts going. Now the interesting thing here is who are the fairweather DC fans to root for? Their precious bandwagon Red Sox, or their suddenly “not craptacular” hometown Nationals? What to do, what to do? Aww hell, just root for the Caps, no one will know the difference.

4. Wimbledon opens today, yes we know this isn’t weekend news, but with baseball and golf being the only sports going on right now, it’s tough to get enough news here. Will Federer win? Yes. Nadal is gone due to injury, so who will beat him? Roddick? Blake? The Williams sisters? Ha!

5. The US advanced in the Confederations Cup by beating Egypt 3-nil. After the US got crushed by Italy and Brazil, the only way they could advance was by beating Egypt by (take a guess) 3 goals, AND Italy losing to Brazil by at least 3 goals. Guess how much Italy lost by. WRONG. Italy did in fact lose by 3 goals, and we get to go to the semis. Oh, I already said that so you probably did guess Italy lost by three. Sorry, you were right. My b.

6. US Open Update: Nothing has changed. These guys are making a liar out of me. Barnes and Glover are still through 1 tied at -7, Mickelson is through 2 at -2, and Woods is through 7 at E. Drew Weaver is through 10 at +7 overall and +2 on the day. Go Drew!

The Universe is aligning itself

June 18, 2009

Some interesting stuff happened in the baseball world last night. These included David Ortiz raising his average to .213(!) – with three runs and a double, Brad Penny taking a liner off the chest and brushed it off like a fly and then kept pitching, Brad Penny winning his 100th game, the Red Sox having their 500th consecutive sellout, Roy Halladay – arguably the best pitcher in the MLB – got put on the DL, effectively ending the Blue Jay’s chance of winning this season, the Pirates are only three (3) games under .500 (almost halfway through the season! this could be Pittsburgh’s year), and the “mighty” Yankees took one on the chin from the Nationals, whose win last night accounted for 5.8% of their total season wins (to put that in perspective, one win is only 2.5% of the Red Sox’s wins and 3.2% of the Pirates’ – the Nats only have 17 wins now). The baseball gods are smiling down upon the North End Zone today. Go and sacrifice a hotdog.

Really, PETA? Really?!

June 18, 2009

WASHINGTON – The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he’s bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

“We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals,” PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. “We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals.”

I know this isn’t sports related, but it needs to be put out on a major news site. wasn’t big enough. We’re bringing it to the NEZ.

Seriously though, aren’t there worse things going on in the world towards animals that PETA should be worrying about other than effing house flies? I mean who in their right mind buys a fly catcher to save the miserable life of a tiny pest whose only job is to piss you off and spread germs and disease. Next they’re going to say to stop swatting mosquitoes. That one makes sense though because mosquitoes are so cute and cuddly, who would even want to swat them?

There are dogs and cats being put through unthinkable pain and suffering and torture all around the country, and these dickwads decide to focus on an insect that, honestly, I don’t even think people in PETA care enough to catch and release outside. I used to think that PETA was a little misguided in their views, but had the right idea. Now they just lost some credibility in my eyes, and I am fully convinced that a significant portion of their members and leadership is completely batshit crazy.

In case you’re curious, and I know you are, here are some facts about the common housefly:

  • The average house fly lives on average 21 days.
  • A flies wings beat 200 times per second.
  • Flies don’t grow. They are born full size.
  • Flies have 4000 lenses in each eye.
  • Flies jump up and backwards when taking off.
  • Average speed of a fly in flight is 4.5 m.p.h..
  • Flies smell with their antennae
  • Flies will only continue to beat their wings so long as their feet are free. As soon as the feet become stationary, the will stop flying.
  • Entomologists Dr. Yao and Dr. Yuan of China studied more than 378,046 common house flies and estimated that each carried no less than 1,941,000 bacteria on their bodies.

Maybe we’ll get back to sports today, if we feel like it. I wouldn’t hold your breath, though.


June 16, 2009

In keeping with the vein of not reporting anything close to sports today, I want you all to see the people up here in NY/NJ, in case you didn’t see this before now. I encourage you to watch it all the way through, there is nothing you can skip past.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

The day that nothing happened

June 16, 2009

Well we all had a night off last night because unless you are an Angels, SF Giants, Brewers, or Indians fan, nothing happened last night. Hockey season is over. Basketball season is over (thank God). Football season hasn’t started yet. Baseball was on a travel day. Nothing happened. Thankfully we get games back tonight, granted only baseball, so it’s kind of a letdown from what we have gotten used to, but at least it’s something. Put the book away. Sports are back on television.

So, since there really is nothing to talk about today, here are a series of pictures of dogs in funny costumes. Enjoy.

Weekend Recap: WOOOOOOO Version

June 15, 2009

The N allowed a special exemption to have your humble editor to jump on the weekend recap. I apologize for the delay, but I doubt any letters will reach our inbox. (If you feel like writing, please use as many curse words as possible, and write in all caps.)

Onto this weekend, not that anything special happened. Except for…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Yes, my beloved Penguins did what many deemed impossible. Sidney, Geno, and everyone else FINALLY got that Stanley Cup they’ve waited 5 years to hoist. There will clearly be a more substantial post on the accomplishment at a later time. But I don’t see how anyone that watched the last period can possibly say they can’t get into hockey. I know it was my team and all, but good lord. A crossbar to keep the lead in game 7 with 2 minutes left? Dead people had heart attacks watching that. And Hossa? You know I kinda feel ba… BAAAAAAAAH. His tears sustain me. Again, much, much more to come.

Another Championship. There was some sort of basketball contest or something this weekend too. We know we give the NBA a pretty big snub here, but we can say succinctly that we hate the Lakers. Thus, this series gets a big “whatevs” from us. Maybe if Penny Hardaway was still on the Magic, we would have paid attention. But those 4th quarters were unbearable. I’ve seen less timeouts at a daycare.

The final nail in the coffin for Detroit. Bill Laimbeer resigns as coach of WNBA’s Detroit Shock. Adjust your WNBA Fantasy Coach lineup accordingly.

Less important news than the WNBA… The Plaxico hearing has been delayed until September, which likely means he will not be playing football this season. The real lesson here is simple kids: buy a freaking holster, right? We’re not sure how this affects the Giants as a football team, but boy is Tom Coughlin’s face red ba-dum-ching. They’ll still beat the Redskins, have no fear.


To be honest, that’s all I could find while at work today. It seemed to be a slow sports weekend other than the two championships. It may also be because I just woke up from Friday night. Anyone seen my pants?

Weekend recap

June 15, 2009

This week’s edition of the weekend recap is being delayed because, being the nice guy that I am, I thought we could let CGally update you all on the events that occurred over the weekend. Something involving Hossa and schadenfreude. I don’t know, I wasn’t really listening to him.

Anyways, he said he wouldn’t get to it until this afternoon so you’ll have to deal with it. Plus I didn’t really feel like doing it today, so it’s a win-win.