Archive for March, 2009

TV Theme Madness Second Round Reminder

March 31, 2009
In case you forgot, voting for the second round of the TV Theme Madness ends tonight at midnight, so get your votes in now. Go here to vote. Do it. Do it.
Norm Region
#1 Cheers vs. #8 Andy Griffith
#4 Beverly Hillbillies vs. #5 Ghostbusters
#3 Duck Tales vs. #11 Simpsons
#2 Flintstones vs. #7 Family Guy

Relaxin’ All Cool Region
#1 Fresh Prince of Bel Air vs. #8 Sesame Street
#4 Brady Bunch vs. #5 Scooby Doo
#3 Happy Days vs. #11 Chip ‘n Dale
#2 Green Acresvs. #10 Inspector Gadget

Bayside Region
#1 Saved by the Bell vs. #9 Batman
#4 Fraggle Rock vs. #5 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
#6 The Jeffersons vs. #14 South Park
#2 Gilligan’s Island vs. #7 MASH

Gumshoe Region
#1 Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego vs. #9 Darkwing Duck
#4 Wonder Years vs. #5 The Muppet Show

#3 Salute Your Shorts vs. #6 Tiny Toons
#2 The A Team vs. #10 Step by Step

Man arrested for DUI while on bar stool

March 31, 2009

A 28-year old man was arrested for drunk driving in Newark, OH while still sitting on a bar stool. Now before you all get up in arms about this miscarriage of justice, it should be noted that the bar stool was attached to a deconstructed lawnmower. See this mechanical marvel below:

The man arrested, Kile Wygle (?!), had the authorities called on him after he crashed this vessel. He was treated for minor injuries.

Wygle had told the 5-0 that he had been drinking, and while at the watering hole, he consumed 15 beers. That’s when they charged him with a DUI.

If it takes this guy crashing his drunk mobile and then telling you that he had 15 beers to get charged for a DUI, I think he’s either a really good drunk, or you suck at being a cop.

In addition, Kile said that this scooter/car/lawnmower/go kart/power wheel goes up to 38 miles an hour. My first car didn’t even go 38 miles an hour.

Oh those crazy people in Ohio.

2009 World Series Odds

March 31, 2009

Vegas has released the 2009 World Series odds, and they are pretty much straight forward:

Arizona Diamondbacks
Atlanta Braves
Baltimore Orioles
Boston Red Sox
Chicago Cubs
Chicago White Sox
Cincinnati Reds
Cleveland Indians
Colorado Rockies
Detroit Tigers
Florida Marlins
Houston Astros
Kansas City Royals
Los Angeles Angels
Los Angeles Dodgers
Milwaukee Brewers
Minnesota Twins
New York Mets
New York Yankees
Oakland Athletics
Philadelphia Phillies
Pittsburgh Pirates
San Diego Padres
San Francisco Giants
Seattle Mariners
St Louis Cardinals
Tampa Bay Rays
Texas Rangers
Toronto Blue Jays
Washington Nationals

Straight forward other than the Mets at 8/1. They missed the playoffs last year, right?

The Northerner’s precious Sawx are going off at 11/2, while the other team that spends a ridonkulous amount of money is the overall favorite at 4/1.

Our local Nationals are a decent bet at 125/1, but they can’t touch YOUR PITTSBURGH PIRATES at 150/1. I’m fairly certain that I have to put $20 on that, right?

ShamWow Pitchman gets handcuffs slap-chopped on him

March 30, 2009

According to the, Vince Shlomi was arrested last month in Miami after hitting a hooker in the face. Yeah, I don’t know why this is an arrestable offense either, but I guess in Miami it is. Apparently, the hooker, Sasha Harris was paid by Shlomi to have “straight sex” for $1000. How they would have gay sex when they are both of different genders is beyond me, but hey, I don’t know much about the sex-for-sale world.

Anyway, Harris then bit Shlomi’s tongue while they were kissing and wouldn’t let go, thus leading to Shlomi punching Harris several times until she released his tongue.

They both were arrested, but no charges were filed against either of them.

Apparently Shlomi is 44 years old. Maybe it’s the faux-hawk, maybe it’s the highlights, or maybe its the effortless way he makes sundae toppings with the Slap-Chop, I don’t know, but he doesn’t look 44 in the commercials. In his mugshot he does, but not the commercials. I mean I wouldn’t want to buy a ShamWow from an old ass dude, because he wouldn’t identify with me, but they had me believing that Vince Shlomi was around my age, thus leading me to buy 7 slap-chops and 11 sets of ShamWows, and that, my friends, is marketing genius.

Oh yeah, and as a moral aside, it’s not good to hit hookers. Or anyone for that matter. Hookers have feelings, too.

UPDATE: Is it me or does this ShamWow guy look like Moe Szyslak?

Weekend recap

March 30, 2009

March Madness is starting to come to an end, with only three games left. Soon we will be starting baseball season, so get excited. Here’s what happened this weekend:

1. We had some NCAA Tourney games. You know who won and who lost, because you have money riding on your bracket in which you picked Pitt to beat Louisville in the Championship game. Now your bracket is effed. Sucks to be you. UNC man-handled the Okies and UConn beat up Mizzou. The Spartans upset Louisville in a game they controlled the whole time, and Pitt finally met up with fate, after they had outrun fate since the first round. Fate always wins. (Fate is one of those words that gets weird if you say it enough. Fate fate fate fate fate. See?)

2. Tiger came back from his biggest deficit since 2000 (also tying his biggest deficit ever) to win the Bay Hill title for the sixth time. Good lord.

3. The second son of Tech legend Dell Curry has slapped us across the face, just like Stephon. Seth Curry is transferring from Liberty (eww) to Duke (“I’m gagging and vomiting at the same time… I’m gavomiting” – Scrubs). Do us a favor Seth and Dell: take the knife out of our back when we turn around.

4. Jimmie Johnson won at Martinsville. That’s close to Tech, right? Ah, screw it, I tried to include NASCAR into this blog, but never again!

5. April 5th is the official opening day for baseball. According to, right now, first pitch is only 6 days 9 hours and 1 minute away. Getcha popcorn ready.

6. UVa beat Maryland 10-9 in men’s lacrosse on Saturday. That may not seem like a big deal, but UVa was the #1 ranked team in the country, and Maryland isn’t even ranked. I mean that would have been a huge upset. Oh yeah, and it went to 7OT making it the longest D-1 lacrosse game in NCAA history. Seven (7) friggin overtimes? Are you kidding me? I wish I was there to watch that game. Even if I despise the Terps and loathe the Hoos, that would have been an amazing game to see. Unfortunately UVa won, and they’re still real good. We don’t even have a men’s D-1 team. And our women’s D-1 team blows. Now I’m sad.

Sorry this recap is coming so late, but I had a staff meeting at 9 that lasted until now, so my bad, but not really.

Crazy-Ass Children’s Book of the Week

March 27, 2009

This week is finally over and my office is quite quiet. No real big news that I can relate to a book today so I’m going to go with a simple one to bring us through to the weekend.

Let’s hope this book brings you much luck with it’s featured topic, guys and girls (girls – if you swing that way, or you know, just in general).

I’ve never seen breasts that look like candy canes, but then again I’m not a man-whore like CGally, so you’ll have to ask him if these are real.


March 27, 2009

I know Kobe scores a shit ton of points, but the Lakers would still be OK without him. The Cavs would struggle to get 50 points against the Clippers (yeah, they’re still a team) without Lebron. This guy is effing unbelievable. He just casually drains a half court-plus shot, underhanded. I can’t even strike a girl out in slow-pitch softball underhanded. No offense to the girls out there. Yeah, I know you’re good at softball, but the rest of you suck.

If this guy doesn’t win MVP this year, I’ll be shocked. SHOCKED.

Mt. Rushmore: First Crushes

March 27, 2009
With the TV Theme Madness in full swing, an interesting argument arose. Who was the ultimate first crush?

Well, we are here to settle it. So let’s have the list.

Winnie Cooper

Oh yes, Winnie. The classic. Winnie may have been the best because she hooked up with Kevin Arnold, which gave us all hope. Since Kevin was the kind of guy that narrated his own life, we felt like if he could hit that, we could hit that.

Topanga Lawrence

Also from the Kevin Arnold approach, Corey Matthews had NO business being with the lovely Topanga. The show also perfectly framed her development from weird girl to normal girl to hot girl.

DJ Tanner

Looking back, she may not have been the end all be all of girls that we remember. But at the time, there wasn’t a guy in 3rd grade that didn’t swoon over the older DJ. She doesn’t have the “dating a dork” syndrome like Winnie and Topanga, but Steve was a pretty cool guy. He was the voice of Aladdin, which was the only Disney movie boys were allowed to like. In fact, Full House may have been responsible for our first regular crush and our first man-crush. (Our current man-crush is Mike Tomlin. Not sure when that will end.)

Alicia “Al” Lambert

Impossible to find a good picture from this show.

Yes, there was a spirited debate over whether or not to include Al in the list. But the fact that she’s in the Bud Light commercial with the ax and chainsaw guys put her over the edge.

She may have been a tomboy at first, but no writer could keep her down. We could all see the awesomeness underneath, even if she went by “Al”.


There was much consideration for Alex Mack. Since Google Images is already up, we might as well include a picture.

We have no idea what the hell is going on here.

She also hooked up with a dork in 10 Things I Hate About You. And who among us has never yelled, “And he’s back in the game!”

How does it feel?

March 27, 2009

Last night Villanova turned it’s pocket inside out and made Duke hold on to it while ‘Nova walked around. For those of you who haven’t been to prison, that means that Villanova made Duke it’s bitch.

Now let’s look at why this happened:

1. Villanova scored more points than Duke.
2. Villanova played better offense and defense than Duke, overall.
3. Villanova got more rebounds than Duke, offensive and defensive.
4. Duke didn’t get any calls. And rightfully so.

Duke got no cheap calls all game. They traveled and got called for it. They charged and got called for it. They acted like little bitches and almost got called for it.

So this is the true Duke basketball team. When they don’t get the cheap, Duke-only calls, they get their asses handed to them. I had Duke winning this round and losing to Pitt in my bracket, but I’ll be honest: This is the best feeling loss I have ever experienced. Sure it hurt my bracket, but I think it hurt almost everyone else’s bracket too. Sure it drove one of the last nails into the “Big East is better than the ACC” argument coffin. But the simple fact remains, Duke lost. Mike Krzyzhitler is upset and that makes me feel good. Yeah it’s pathetic, but it still feels good. Don’t judge me.

DOUBLE UPDATE: Did anyone else notice Paulus giving a massage in the background? Holy crap, they’re gayer than I thought. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

The North End Zone Tournament Challenge Update

March 26, 2009
With all this TV Theme excitement going around, we almost forgot about the REAL tournament going on. And by that we mean the North End Zone Tournament Challenge.

Currently, two contributors (Wright and The Northerner) sit atop the standings. I’m reluctant to call Wright a contributor, but technically his name is on the side banner.

In 3rd is avid reader Maniak with a very clever HandsInYourBro’s Pants team name. If you didn’t get the joke at first, he was sure to include the word “gay” in parenthesis.

Tied for 4th are what appears to be St. Louis Shark (I always thought they were in San Jose, but whatevs) and our Hokie now living in Africa. So for all of us ranked lower than 4th, we should feel proud to be losing to a guy with no TV and 1 hour of internet a week.

Your humble editor and his father are tied for 6th. He has threatened to limit me to 1 hour a day of Super Mario Bros. 3 if he doesn’t beat me.

And jumping all the way to the bottom is our good friend Alison, more lovingly referred to as “Frake-Nasty” (you don’t want to know the origins of that). But with her final four of Michigan State, Pittsburgh, Mizzou, and Syracuse still alive, anything can happen… or so she keeps telling herself.

So let the games begin, and get ready to throw away that bracket at any time.

Good luck to all participants.


I forgot to mention that avid reader A. Young is leading the sad, pathetic NIT bracket we’re still keeping track of. And people think that we need girlfriends. Pssh.