Mt. Rushmore of Pizza Toppings

If we’re going to go lowest common denominator, then let’s go lowest common denominator.

The best pizza toppings out there:

George Washington – Cheese Pizza

The Original. Sometimes there’s just nothing better than plain cheese pizza. It’s like a warm blanket that wraps you in deliciousness morning, noon, and night. There is no wrong time or temperature to eat good ol’ plain cheese pizza. Just like Washington invented America, cheese pizza invented itself. Even squirrels like it.

Thomas Jefferson – Bacon

Just like Jefferson improved our nation and it’s standing around the known world, there is nothing in the known world that will not improve with added bacon. By itself, it’s delicious. Coupled with literally anything else, and that thing is immediately 10x better.

Teddy Roosevelt – Meatballs

Teddy Roosevelt was a man’s man. And you can bet he damn sure loved meatballs on his pizza. Sometimes you just need some cow flesh ground down, balled up, and thrown on top of your pizza to remind yourself that you’re alive. And that the cow is not.

Abraham Lincoln – Chicken Parm

Now many of you would say pepperoni should be listed at number four, but pepperoni, much like Clemson at the beginning of every football season, is overrated. Lincoln is not overrated. Man ended slavery. He was honest. Chicken parm is honest. It doesn’t parade around in anything fancy. Just chicken, sauce and Parmesan cheese with some mozzarella thrown in. When placed atop a pizza, it makes one feel like a free man. Just like how Lincoln intended.


23 Responses to “Mt. Rushmore of Pizza Toppings”

  1. A. Young Says:

    Not sure if I agree with the chicken parm or the meatballs. Although I enjoy chicken on pizza, if you can’t get it at Papa John’s or Domino’s then you shouldn’t put it on your list.

    Ham, sausage, and mushrooms all trum your crappy meatballs.

    This is a dumb thing to argue about.

  2. C Gally Says:

    Arguing about dumb things is why we started this website.

    And this is the Mount Rushmore, man. Not the “sexy pick” mountain. Pepperoni’s gotta go on there. Sausage certainly takes it too.

    I can honestly say I have never had meatballs on my pizza.

  3. The Northerner Says:

    First off, Papa John’s and Dominos make shitty pizza. If i wanted that much dough I might as well throw sauce and cheese on a loaf of bread. Second, ham is good, but bacon is better and you can’t have two meats of the same animal on this list. Third, meatballs are much better than sausage if only for their simplicity, and mushrooms are OK, but not better than any of the other choices.

  4. A. Young Says:

    at least at tWWL they let their viewers choose who gets put on Mt. Rushmore. This post is anti-American.

  5. The Northerner Says:

    If I remember correctly Nick Arcade was a “sexy pick” with no substance in comparison to What Would You do? Don’t lecture me on “sexy picks”. Pepperoni is still overrated.

  6. A. Young Says:

    Meatballs, chicken, and bacon aren’t even in the top five most consumed toppings.

  7. C Gally Says:

    I’m not sure if Nick Arcade has ever been referred to as a “sexy pick”.

    And I know my “sexy picks”, ok? I put Kentucky as the tournament champion each March from 2001 – 2005.

    And Mr. Young, love the research.

  8. The Northerner Says:

    I never claimed that these toppings were the most popular, only that they were the best.

    But disagreement is why we have a comment section. I don’t see any comment section on your fancy-pants ESPN. Most likely because they’re communists.

  9. A. Young Says:

    That’s like the pot calling the kettle black you meatball-loving, pepperoni-hating freak!

  10. C Gally Says:

    Actually, ESPN does have comments… they’re just really, really bad. Dregs of the internets.

    And if we were going for the best toppoings, I do believe pineapple has to be considered.

  11. The Northerner Says:

    You never fruit the pizza.

    If you hate bacon then I don’t even want you reading this blog.

  12. The Northerner Says:

    I take that back, it was a moment of passion… Read this Blog! Tell your friends!

  13. C Gally Says:

    You put freaking chicken parm on the pizza. Clearly there are no rules.

  14. The Northerner Says:

    Obviously you have never had chicken parm on pizza. You haven’t even had meatballs on pizza. What the hell do you know.

  15. C Gally Says:

    It’s times like these that makes me wish more than 3 people would comment on these posts.

  16. The Northerner Says:

    hey I’m just excited it’s more than just me and you. Thanks A. Young!

  17. A. Young Says:

    I’ll concede chicken, because i love a good bbq chicken pizza, but meatballs?!
    I demand a substitution of sausage or pepperoni for meatballs or else I never tell any friends about this blog. And that’s a promise.

  18. The Northerner Says:

    You drive a hard bargain… how about we go with ground/processed meat products and call it a day.

  19. C Gally Says:

    Adam doesn’t have any friends. I wouldn’t have given in. B

    But the thought of one large ground/processed meat category is pretty awesome.

  20. The Northerner Says:

    I think I’m going to convince J-Dizzle to get pizza tonight.

  21. A. Young Says:

    That’s practically everything you would want to put on a pizza but I think we should just agree that some people are weird and prefer strange things like fruit and meatballs on their pizza.

    btw, don’t get too excited over me but keep posting. it’s good stuff.

  22. The Northerner Says:

    I still don’t get why you think meatballs are weird on pizza. You guys need to try it sometime. It will change your life.

    Tell your friends!

  23. Mo Gal Says:

    So this is life in the real world……I cannot wait to graduate.

    Also, 22 comments! Congrats! Glad it was sports related…

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