Archive for February, 2009

Hillbillies Beware

February 27, 2009

The governor of West Virginia is sick and tired of his state being treated like a bunch of poverty stricken yokels with no teeth who sleep with their sister, according to Newsweek (editor’s note: read this article, it’s well worth it). He is pumping money into the schools and the tourism program to bring and keep people in West Virginia.

A point of concern is a recent ABC documentary “Children of the Mountains” which features Shawn Grim who was, according to the documentary,

Born and raised in central Appalachia, Shawn Grim is a walking hillbilly cliché. His mother has no teeth, none of his relatives graduated from high school and there’s a gun rack on the wall of his family’s ramshackle trailer. But he was still shocked last year when his brother, “Little Man,” was caught in flagrante with his half-sister.

I need to see this documentary. If anyone knows where I can find it, please tell me.

To remedy the exodus problem, the governor enlisted the help of WV residents in thinking of a new forward thinking and progressive motto for their beloved state. The notable entries? “Loving my hills” and a place “where time stands still”. Classic.

Another major negative point in the governor’s mind is the annual Road Kill Cook Off in interestingly named Pocahontas, WV, featuring: intestine-challenging “flat cat,” “bumper bruised bear” and “deer schmear fajitas.”

When asked about the Road Kill Cook Off, the governor had this charming anecdote for us:

Are they still running that s––– down south? he asks an aide in disbelief, before adding: Well, I tell you what, if you see [the organizer], kill the son of a bitch.

Why no one wants to live in that little slice of heaven is beyond me.

I apologize to anyone who is scared or offended by this picture below, but I have to post it. It’s like a train wreck, it’s so disturbing, yet I can’t stop staring at it.

“You have a purdy mouth.”

Game #28: Trust Funds (A)

February 27, 2009

We play the Blue Devils. The hated, hated Blue Devils. It’s not often that the entire country is rooting for you. But this is one of those times.

There’s not too much analysis here. We hate them. Everyone hates them. But they play good basketball.

We will need the game of the year to win. But it’s happened before. Most famously, the 2004-2005 season. We could describe to you what it was like, but we’d rather do it through a song done by a few guys that defeated a devil or two in their time… (lyrics provided after video)

February 2005, me and my brother Greenburg here,…
we was hitchhikin’ down a long and lonesome road.
All of a sudden,
there shined a shiney blue devil…
in the middle…
of Cassell.

And he said:
“Play the best game in the world,
or I’ll eat your souls (Souls).”

Well me and coach,… we looked at each other,
and we each said…

And we played the first thing that came to our heads,
Just so happened to be,
The best game in the world,
it was the best game in the world.

Look into my eyes and it’s easy to see
One and one make two,
Zabian made threes,
It was destiny.

Once every other year or so,
When the sun doth shine and the moon doth glow
and the grass doth grow oooh

Needless to say,
Coach K was stunned.
“Wah wah” went his whiney tail,
And JJ was done.
He asked us:
“(snort) BE you angels?”
And we said,
We are but HOKIES.
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahn,
Ohhh, whoah, ah-whoah-oh!

And now we’ll play
The Greatest Game in the World, Oh
And you will pay a tribute.
You will remember The Greatest Game in the World, Oh.
You will pay a tribute, oh,
To The Greatest Game in the World,
All right!
It was The Greatest Game in the World,
All right!
And it was the best mother f***in’ game,
The Greatest Game in the World!

‘Ti Tuga digga tu Gi Friba fligugibu Uh Fligugigbu Uh Di Ei Friba Du Gi Fligu fligugigugi Flilibili Ah
Fligu wene mamamana Sacrebleu!

And the peculiar thing is this my friends:
the game we played on that fateful night it wasn’t as good as the game we’ll play right now!!

This is not a tribute!
You gotta believe me!
And I wish you were there!
Just a matter of opinion.
Good God, God lovin’ ,
So surprised to find you can’t stop me, now.
I’m on fire–
O hallelujah I’m found! Rich something something compadre aaaaah!
All right!
All right.


They represent our heroes and our plan to win the game.
Tenacious D


Crazy-Ass Children’s Book of the Week

February 27, 2009

Ah, Friday. Possibly the greatest day of the week. You may have work, but seriously, no one cares enough to do whatever it is they do at even 75%. Most of you in Blacksburg don’t have class, and if you do, you’re a either a dumbass or a freshman. And we don’t want any freshmen reading this blog. (just kidding… tell your friends!)

Anyways, this week’s book goes out to all of you who are going to go out tonight and have a good time. I’ll be going out for some libations after work, and you should too. So when you’re trying to figure out what to wear tonight (ladies) or if your jeans need to be washed yet (gentlemen) look no further than the porn star of the animal world, the naked mole rat in Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed by Mo Willems.

If you have any suggestions for Crazy-Ass Children’s Book of the Week, or hell, any other columns, topics or posts you would like to see give us a shout., yes it’s a long name, we know, just copy and paste.

Manny being greedy

February 27, 2009

Manny Ramirez has decided that $45 million over two years isn’t good enough for him, and he really does deserve the $100 million over four years that he and Scott Boras decided they both deserve.

Now I would like to know what Manny is smoking right now, because I would like to get my hands on it. Obviously there is no market for him outside the Dodgers and maybe the Giants, maybe. Neither one of them has come close to 4 years or $100 million and yet he still is waiting.

At this point, it really has no effect on me, because both teams are in the National League, and they don’t mean anything. But it’s getting annoying hearing about him rejecting offers without even seeming to think about them.

Though, on the other hand, the Dodgers are pansies and made it no secret that they need him to survive, thus giving him a large bargaining chip. In the end they’ll cave and offer him what he wants, he will act like a spoiled child again, they’ll hate him, and he will get traded to the Yankees to finish his career. The end.

‘Skins throw money at Haynesworth

February 27, 2009

The Redskins just signed Albert Haynesworth to a 7-year, $100 million dollar contract.

According to ESPN:

The deal, which was reached early Friday morning, includes $41 million in guarantees. During the first 13 months of the contract, Haynesworth will earn approximately $32 million…the deal could end up maxing out at $115 million based on his performance, according to sources.

I think it’s now necessary to ask: How much money does Dan Snyder have? Does he keep it in a locked silo like Scrooge McDuck and then go swimming in a sea of gold coins and dollar bills? Why was Scrooge McDuck so angry? Are Huey, Duey, and Louie his nephews from his side or is he married? I want answers, dammit!

Also, the politically-incorrect name for Native Americans have signed VT alum and troublemaker-turned-above-average cornerback DeAngelo Hall to a 6-year, $54 million contract, with the hopes that he will pay dividends when he realizes the world is his oyster and stops being a douche about things.

Scrooge McDuck is still a free agent and has not had any offers as of yet.

Tom and Gisele get hitched

February 27, 2009

Rumor on the street is that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen tied the knot in Santa Monica yesterday.

According to, it was a small ceremony with friends and immediate family attending including Gisele’s three dogs and Tom’s son, all decked out in Dolce and Gabbana, including the dogs.

The NFL better watch out this year, because it looks like Tommy Brades in on top of his game. And now that he’s locked up the highest paid supermodel in the world, he’s got nothing else to reach for except Superbowl titles. That’s called focus, my friends.

Michael Vick’s comeback

February 27, 2009

Word on the street (ESPN) is that the halfway house that Michael Vick was supposed to go serve the final two months of his 23-month sentence is full and therefore he will be allowed to finish his sentence at his home.

According to ESPN:

The five-bedroom, 3,538-square-foot brick home with an in-ground pool in Hampton is assessed at $748,100, according to city tax records. Vick also owns an interest in a $2 million home being built in Suffolk, bankruptcy court papers show. His eight-bedroom home in suburban Atlanta is scheduled to be sold at auction March 10, with a minimum opening bid of $3.2 million.

That’s a big change from the 8×11′ cell in Kansas he is coming from.

Well I guess this signals his return to the real world and subsequent reentry to the NFL via the Raiders. I won’t get into the politics of the dog fighting situation, except that he should have been forced to stand there whilst one of the dogs gnaws off his junk. But he has served his time, and let’s hope that he is a changed man and only goes up from here.

Don’t get your hopes up

February 26, 2009

So despite the fact that the Red Sox just lost to the Pirates in the 9th inning, and the Sox blew through nine different pitchers, there is some silver lining to this cloud. It gave us time to catch up with Jason Bay who had the day off.

Now for those of you who don’t remember, Jason Bay was one of the players the Sox got from the Pirates at the end of last year while the Pirates got some other players. Basically, when it comes down to the two teams, the Red Sox traded Brandon Moss for Jason Bay. Still at a loss for words, but I digress.

Bay had the day off today, and got to watch the game from the dugout between his current championship calibur team and his former team who, let’s say, are not.

Anyways, this is what Jason had to say about his former team:

Bay cautioned Pirates fans against assuming that any transformation will be an overnight one. He has seen that promise made and not realized before, and he knows that patience is a must.

“I think they have the right ideas,” Bay said of the management team that took over the Pirates before the 2008 season. “They’re a very competitive team. I think in the next few years, they are probably going to turn a corner.”

Now if that isn’t a pinpoint specific prediction, then I don’t know what is. And seriously Pirates fans, you guys need some patience. Nothing good happens overnight.

Thoughts on the Clemson Game

February 26, 2009

Unlike the man up north, your humble editor is actually devoted to his team and watched the entire game last night. He also woke up in the hospital with a rare case of heart attack with brain aneurysm. Bad combo, the doctors said.

But during recovery, a few thoughts were processed:

  • You know when someone takes a long 3-pointer and you scream “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”, but then they drain it? This game had that feeling for about 2 hours. “Holy lord, you just threw the ball to them. Oh, they threw it back. And we got a dunk. I need to lay down.”
  • Free throw percentage: 58.6% – Is that for real? We shot 57.9% from three-point land. Victor Davila and Jeff Allen managed to go a solid 1-8 from the stripe. If I’m Duke, I’m fouling Davila or Allen every time down the floor. (Also, if I was Duke, I would be unhappy with my life choices.)
  • Speaking of Allen, is he even on the team? The guy finished with 5 points and 4 fouls. That’s Marcus Sailes type numbers. Dorenzo Hudson outscored him in 2 shot attempts.
  • Oglesby… ugh. Where is Deron Washington when you really need someone to get teabagged?
  • Tanner Smith. White boy name? Or whitest name EVER? Freaking gingers…
  • Saint Christopher, your help will not be forgotten. You are the best 18 foot tall saint ever.

So here’s the blue print – win one more regular season game and one in the ACC tourney. That should put us in, but no promises.

This game started a new lease on the season. There is hope, and hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever died.


Mt. Rushmore of Pizza Toppings

February 26, 2009

If we’re going to go lowest common denominator, then let’s go lowest common denominator.

The best pizza toppings out there:

George Washington – Cheese Pizza

The Original. Sometimes there’s just nothing better than plain cheese pizza. It’s like a warm blanket that wraps you in deliciousness morning, noon, and night. There is no wrong time or temperature to eat good ol’ plain cheese pizza. Just like Washington invented America, cheese pizza invented itself. Even squirrels like it.

Thomas Jefferson – Bacon

Just like Jefferson improved our nation and it’s standing around the known world, there is nothing in the known world that will not improve with added bacon. By itself, it’s delicious. Coupled with literally anything else, and that thing is immediately 10x better.

Teddy Roosevelt – Meatballs

Teddy Roosevelt was a man’s man. And you can bet he damn sure loved meatballs on his pizza. Sometimes you just need some cow flesh ground down, balled up, and thrown on top of your pizza to remind yourself that you’re alive. And that the cow is not.

Abraham Lincoln – Chicken Parm

Now many of you would say pepperoni should be listed at number four, but pepperoni, much like Clemson at the beginning of every football season, is overrated. Lincoln is not overrated. Man ended slavery. He was honest. Chicken parm is honest. It doesn’t parade around in anything fancy. Just chicken, sauce and Parmesan cheese with some mozzarella thrown in. When placed atop a pizza, it makes one feel like a free man. Just like how Lincoln intended.