Archive for September, 2008

Game 4 and 5: UNC Recap, Corn F’ers Preview and Predictions

September 25, 2008
Since the roommate had to be a jerk and go get Rock Band 2 this week, The North End Zone offices have been a little neglected. Sick days increased 400% over the past 3 days. (Seriously, the game is freaking awesome. Last night we played Journey. When was the last time Zelda gave you that privilege?)

“Anyway You Want It” not included.

So this week, in one post, you get an amalgamation of a recap, a preview, and predictions all together. A Repreviction, if you will.


So UNC, eh? This is the year? Yeah, we’ve got your year right here, you baby-blue-wearing-trust-fund-baby pansies.

This will never, ever stop being funny.

Don’t worry, basketball season is coming. Then your disappointment won’t come until the end of the year.

So question: will Butch Davis be wearing his old Miami garb when the Canes and Hokies play for the Coastal Championship?

Jokes not needed.


Ok, enough with that. Almost like kicking puppies at this point.

So Tech fans. Remember 2004, when almost all of our games were close and the year was super-stressful? Well strap in kids. You may want to invest in some sort of punching bag or stress ball. Or do what we do and drink the stress away. It worked for undergrad.

We are not a good football team. But, just like in 2004, we found ways to win. 4 penalties for 21 yards and +2 in turnovers. 21 yards in penalties?!?! Who does that?

Winners. That’s who.

But make no mistake, we got bailed out this game. With the 4th quarter fumble and stupid late-hit penalty, UNC was begging us to take their pride.


Is it dorky to say that we’re riding the Coale Train? Yes? Ok, well screw it. We’re saying it anyways. He’s probably a lot better than we think and will most likely be starting in the NFL in 2011. He’ll probably score more touchdowns by week 4 than his entire time at Tech.

Hate you so much Stinespring.

And who came through AGAIN? That’s right: The Closer.

We watch TNT enough to know it stars a chick. But hey, she gets shit done.

Without any research or substantiation, we’re pretty sure Keys has more game-winning kicks that Brandon Pace.

On a final note, giving up 300 yards of offense to UNC is NEVER acceptable. We wish we knew where to start with fixing our defense, but we’re pretty sure the solution would be to forge some documents so we can get last year’s squad back.


On to this week’s game.

What a huge game this would be… had we played a few years ago. But now? Well, most of the country will be watching Illinois/Penn State instead. Though, it can be argued that either game will be excruciatingly boring.

Everything about this game points to advantage Huskers. Night game at their place. Two tough games for the Hokies the past 2 weekends. Hell, they even had a bye last week. Though, to be fair, they’ve pretty much had byes since the season started. Look at this pan of fluff games served up to them for the first three games

  • Western Michigan
  • San Jose State
  • New Mexico State

San Jose isn’t even a state!! What is with Midwestern Big 12 schools and playing creampuffs?

Note: not a photoshop.


With a schedule like that, you can’t tell much about a team, so we’ll rattle off some stats that will make us look like we did something.

Quarterback Joe Ganz currently has a completion rate of 64%. That number will most likely rise on Saturday unless we get some freaking pressure.

The Huskers have two tailbacks in Lucky and Helu averaging 5.0 and 6.2 yards per carry. There’s a good many jokes we can make about a guy named “Lucky”, but they aren’t funny.

Their defense has played games against Western Michigan, San Jose State, and New Mexico State. We don’t want your stats.


So take what you will from that.

Tech enters their second road game as underdogs. Seemed to work in our favor before, so have at it. This time it’s 7 points, which means we’ll win by 7 of course.

Everything said, this game may or may not be the toughest game we play all year. Think Texas A&M in 2002. This game means a lot.

Despite our awesome comeback last game, we all know that’s not exactly a Beamer specialty. We need to keep this game low scoring and slow.

A huge stage and huge opportunity. If you’re of the type that doesn’t think we should play these games, get out now. This is why college football kicks ass.


Programming note: hero after predictions.


On to this week’s predictions.

For the first time in the history of the world, we have a four-way tie for first place from last week’s prediction.

Your winners are the CMU Football Analyst, The Bull, The Northerner and Meet Bag.

What’s the only trophy that can be split 4 ways?

Congratulations guys. You can mail it around to each other. Just make sure the UCONN football team gets it back.


This week’s predictions:

C Gally: 16 – 13 VT, The Closer wins it again.

Judas B-Dubs: 17 – 7 Nebraska

Maniak: 24 – 21 VT

The DiP: 24 – 17 Nebraska, Glennon winds up leading us to failure

The Bull: 27 – 14 VT

Carnegie Mellon’s Super-Scientific Football Analyst: 20 – 17 Nebraska

Meet Bag: 20 – 17 VT (3rd week in a row for that score if he hits it)

Lady Wright: 17 – 14 VT

The Northerner: 19 – 17 VT

Our African Ambassador in Mali: 17 – 14 VT

Papa Gally: 17 – 14 VT, 3 blocked kicks (YOU’VE GOTTA BELIEVE!)


So there you have it kids. Once again, we have quite a few non-believers here. Jim Jones would not be happy.


So here’s the situation:

We are in uncharted territory.
It is a harsh, unforgiving environment.
With no luxuries, all we can do is survive and try to get out with a win.

Who do we turn to?

You guessed it:

Bear Grylls

See? We are a sports blog for the ladies, sometimes.

We know that this is another Discovery Channel hero, but we can’t help it if they have the most badasses in television.

We’re still trying to figure out how to justify using these guys:

Could be tough…


Game 4: UNC Preview and Predictions

September 19, 2008
If you are standing right now, sit down. (If you are standing and using a computer, buy a freaking chair.) There are some words that may be difficult to understand.

This weekend is… a big game against UNC.

That’s right. The new sexy pick for the Coastal Division gets their shot at the big boys. The Heels are playing their best football in 35 years. Tech lost 47 seniors. This is their shot.

But come on, UNC? Really? Bodog has the line at 3 points… in favor of the guys in gay blue.

Even Ryan Leaf thinks they are overrated.

It is super easy to find a picture of this guy pissed off.


Let’s talk douchebags coaches. Butch Davis. Douchebag. Coach. So here’s the analogy.

The sexy pick to win the AFC North this year: the Browns.

Butch Davis used to coach: the Browns.

Who was recently revealed as a clear pretender: the Browns.

Therefore, Tech will surely be victorious. I mean, the guy used to coach the f’ing Browns. You don’t come back from that.

On top of that, who has UNC beat? Wow, they beat Rutgers on national TV. Rutgers is the biggest non-story in college football in the past ten years. Two wins does not make you relevant.

Greg is smiling waaaaay too much for a guy holding a trophy that features a maple leaf.


ESPN says that UNC plans to make us pass. Genius plan there guys. I’m sure Georgia Tech planned to stop our incredible air attack.

The Heels’ run defense is giving up 3.9 yards per carry this season, which is better than Tech’s 4.2 yards per carry. Oh, they have that average while playing McNeese St. and Rutgers?

Here’s hoping we run the ball 80% of the time.

(We’d post the Varsity Blues picture here, but those guys are worn out. Jonathan Moxon is only one man.)


So yeah, 3 point favorites? Please. Somebody make some bookies pay. (We wouldn’t dream of gambling.)

And, as this is about to be posted, Mark May and Dr. Lou picked UNC to win. Do we even need to show up? (take that whichever way you want…)

And if you still can’t get up for this game, here’s one more reminder. Remember why that St. Patrick’s Day weekend wasn’t the greatest it possibly could be? Here you go.

F you.

Editor’s note: our hero will be revealed after the picks.



Now, let’s roll out some predictions.

Last weekend’s winner, B-Dubs, picked it right on the damn money. 20 – 17. Because of this, you are a recipient of a real trophy.

Note: Not B-Dubs

You shall, of course, relinquish it when another worthy enough makes a perfect pick. If you wanted something to keep, you should have asked for another bowling trophy.

With this, you had better be picking us to win this week since you are clearly an alien, wizard, or some kind of fairy.



Since you got it perfect, you get to go first…

Baaaah, just kidding.

C Gally: 27 – 14 VT, defensive score

B-Dubs: 27 – 21 VT

Carnegie Mellon’s Super-Scientific Football Analyst*: 20 – 13 VT

*who clearly sucks at analyzing football

The Bull: 21 – 14 VT, touchdowns from Tyrod, Evans, and D/special teams.

Maniak: 24 – 10 VT

Wright: 31 – 27 UNC

Lady Wright: 28 – 21 VT (everyone likes her better anyways)

DiP: 15 – 14 VT (excitement plus in this prediction)

The Northerner 19 – 13, anemic offense (way to go out on a limb)

Meet Bag: 24 – 17 VT

Papa Gally: 35 – 7 VT, 3……. 3 blocked kicks**

**as Maniak so eloquently put it: I love the enthusiasm of this man…whether it be pitchers at any bar in Blacksburg or cheese tots at Rivermill….I love the enthusiasm.

To which Papa Gally responded that his last beer-only tab at the Mill was $132.

Parents are awesome when you turn 21, kids.



So in which direction should we go this week? We have a traditionally weak opponent that is playing better that usual. The game is played in North Carolina. We need to go personal on this one.

You know who hates North Carolina? South Carolina.

And who is South Carolina’s greatest celebrity?

You guessed it.

Stephen Colbert.

He has a fire sword. Hates North Carolina and hippies. And will lead us to victory.

In fact, he mentioned the game on his show. We were able to obtain the following video caps:


So watch out, UNC (and grizzly bears). You’re on notice.



September 15, 2008
Sig Hansen. Officially on the crab.

He wants a touchdown, and he wants it NOW!

Well, it’s a good thing the game wasn’t any good. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the excitement…

Through a flurry of text messages and a ceremony that lasted the exact length of half time, your humble editor was sweating more than the groom this past Saturday.

Luckily, I was in church. The perfect place to ask for some Hokie luck.


What a freaking win. No other way to put it.

With the tie-breaker over one of the Division favorites, it feels real good having the Hokies in such a good position so early.

Especially going into such a big game against… we can’t believe we are saying this… North Carolina.


Some thoughts on the game.

First thing you saw? The new threads.

Sweet Jesus these things are ugly. You got a fire place? Throw those uni’s in there.


So it looks like Evans is going to be the guy, which is fine by us. Almost 5 yards a carry? RUN. THE. BALL.

Still, our passing game is pathetically inept. At least we know if we had some talent we’d do better.

Oh yeah. Eddie. So all it would take is a quarterback from Vanderbilt.


No truth to the rumor that our defensive line has been replaced by traffic cones. It was actually a bunch of microphone stands that attempted to stop the run Saturday.

Bud Foster better be praying to the Gods of tackling that these guys straighten up.


The two biggest things that won this game for the Hokies?
Penalties and turnovers.

3 penalties for 15 yards. No turnovers.

You don’t lose many games playing like that (though we sure as hell tried).

Georgia Tech? Bunch of cheaters.


And big ups to Keys. It wasn’t exactly tough, but we’ve seen too many missed missed opportunities go wide left.

But Dustin? You are now known as The Closer until further notice.


Thanks for coming, Yellow Jackets. Let us know next time you have an All-Pro receiver and we’ll see if you can win a game against us.

At least we didn’t beat you wearing your uniforms this year.

Until next season:


Enjoy it, kids. These types of wins might be pretty rare this time around.

Let’s Go HOKIES!!!!!!


Oh, and Northerner? No one cares about the Patriots. In fact, if Boston were to sink into the ocean, the only thing people would miss would be Martin Scorsese movies.

Two Unrelated Points

September 13, 2008

Point 1: I’m trying to decide if UNC is actually not awful this year, or if the ACC and Rutgers are just that bad that they make the ‘Heels look better? I mean seriously, if they’re good(ish) this year, that just flips this whole season on its ear. Tech loses to ECU. WVU gets bent over by ECU. Maryland gets embarassed by Middle Tenn. UNC owns Rutgers.

OK, so maybe not all of college football, but I’m forgetting some other games and I’m way too lazy to look them up now. But still, shit’s going crazy and it could definately make for some interesting outcomes further into the season. I guess those washed up blowhards who get paid to oogle Erin Andrews (yes, I’m jealous) and take random swipes at guessing game winners have finally gotten something right in saying that there is starting to be parity in the league due to the scholarship limits. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in awhile.

Plus now that Jesus 2.0 got hurt (screw you Pollard), the NFL is up for grabs as well. Though it still won’t matter because the Lombardi Trophy (and WS Championship) will be cruising down the mean streets of Boston at the end of the season. Book it.

Point 2: I don’t know the political climate of this blog, and I don’t mean to offend anyone who might not agree, but this may be the funniest thing I have ever seen on the Daily Show:

I’m not trying to make a political statement or anything (Vote Dukakis!), I just thought it was hilarious.

GT Predictions

September 12, 2008
(insert joke about Tech playing Tech here)
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s congratulate Maniak on his prediction of 27 – 10 for the Furman game. Though he added nothing in the way of extra information, his score was the closest, and that’s all that matters.
So congrats, Maniak. Here’s your trophy:

Yes, it’s a female bowling trophy. You get what you pay for here at The North End Zone.


Now, on to this week’s picks.

C Gally: 24 – 21 VT, last second field goal.

Wright: 21 – 17 GT

Lady Wright (I know, I’m as shocked as you are): 31 – 28 GT

The Bull: 17 – 14 GT. When questioned on this pick, The Bull justified his selection by officially endorsing McCain.

Maniak: 20 – 14 VT

B-Dubs: 20 – 17 VT

Carnegie Mellon’s Super-Scientific Football Analyst: 17 – 10 VT (in overtime)

The DiP: 24 – 13 GT (Yeesh, dude. Have some faith.)

The Northerner: 17 – 14 VT (some sort of Mighty Ducks shenanigans will lead the Hokies to victory)


So there you have it folks. The bold predictions from cowardly men (and a chick).

4 of 9 folks are picking the Yellow Jackets to leave Blacksburg victorious. The others say they are nothing but fizzles. And they will get away with it.

So saddle up and get ready. This is why you love this game.

Sig be with you.


Game 3: Gah-Tech Preview

September 11, 2008
Furman. Well that was fun… kind of.
Apparently the coaches took our advice and started with no game plan whatsoever. 3 – 0 at half? Are you serious? Blacksburg High could have scored a touchdown in the first half with no game plan.

But who cares. We won. It was by more than 7. We’re happy.

There’s not too much one can take from Saturday, other than the fact that Tyrod is clearly going to be the guy now. Glennon is now your freshman roommate. Sure you guys hung out freshman year, and maybe a little the next year. But over time, it was less and less. Now you probably can’t even remember his name.

You can’t help but feel bad for the kid. On second thought, maybe not so much. This is Division I football. And we’ve all not made teams before (it just wasn’t noted in ESPN when you were cut from freshman volleyball… Barry).

You know what happens when you make decisions like this with your heart? You become Maryland. And nobody wants that.

One last note: if you haven’t picked up your Virgil jersey yet, you hate America.


Anyways, on to this week.

What a freaking game we have here. By far the best home match-up of the year. AND a 3:30 start? This is why you’re a Hokie.

(Granted, one of us won’t be there. Freaking JMU people…)

Gah-Tech is good. Well, not good as in ranked good. But good as in ACC good. From the preliminary results, it appears there will be a Hokie/Yellow Jacket race for the Coastal Division.

Remember The Beast from The Sandlot?

This game is that big.

A win puts us in prime starting position for another run to the ACC Championship. (Yes, we are thinking that far ahead. That’s how important this game is.)

A loss means that Gah-Tech will have to lose two conference games for us to sniff the championship. Oh, and we’d have to go undefeated in-conference as well.

The words “must win” never meant so much in week 3.


Gah-Tech gets it done on the ground. Their running back Jonathan Dwyer is averaging 7.6 yards per carry. It doesn’t matter who you played. That’s impressive.

As a team, rushing yards more than double passing yards. Hell, starting quarterback Josh Nesbitt has only thrown 11 completions in 2 games.

And with our stellar run defense (ha!), it could be a long afternoon.


Defensive lineman Darryl Richard was a beast against Boston College last week. Five tackles, three for losses, a forced fumble and a batted pass earned him ACC Defensive Lineman of the Week. Granted, in this conference, that’s like being the smartest kid on the short bus. But expect him to be all up in our grill Saturday.

The Eagles were able to control the clock, and out gained Gah-Tech. They still lost because they are terrible, but let’s go ahead and assume that 16 points is not going to get it done on Saturday.

The way we see it, the name of the game will be balance. Clearly, we want to run the ball. And if we are consistently picking up 4 yards a carry, we plan on pulling out the torches and pitchforks if Stinespring changes things up.

But we do need to throw some passes. First year starter Chris Crane for BC put up 142 yards passing. A solid “meh”. But what we are calling for is simply a few passing play calls which turn into Tyrod runs. Let the kid do what he does, and look for multiple runs over 10 yards.

And for God-sakes, get Greg Boooooooooooone the ball! The guy is turning into that Dreamcast you dropped $200 on.


Since there is no doubt as to the importance of this game, there is no doubt who we are going with as our leader.

He is THE leader.

Our leader.

You guess it.

Sig Hansen.

As The Bull put it so eloquently, we might need the Captain for every game this year.



September 6, 2008

This being my first post on the site I will keep it short and sweet. West Virginia just got beaten like a red-headed step child riding a rented mule. I should know.

At least we scored a touchdown (or three) against the Pirates. JDawg and I both agree that this win by ECU makes us feel a bit better about last week.

On a side note, this excessive celebration penalty bullshit has got to go the way of the Yankees post season hopes. No game should be decided by the referees, nonetheless in the final 2 seconds. BYU must be making human sacrifices to whatever god they pray to, whether it be Warren Jeffs, Mitt Romney or Roman Grant for that asinine call.

Oh wait, Lou Holtz seems to agree with that opinion. I hereby retract my previous comment.

Finally, Stephan Virgil continues to amaze me. Is there anything he can’t do? I’m secretly hoping hes a covert agent assigned to take out Bryan Stinespring and install a offensive coordinator who doesn’t think that the point of an offense is to run three plays and then leave the scoring up to the defense. It could happen.

Game 2: "Preview" and Predictions

September 5, 2008
Yeah, we would have done a full preview. But it’s a four day week. We’re still in our hole after Saturday. And it’s freaking Furman. Do you really want to read about what kind of team they have and what we need to do to beat them? Well, we hope not, because we sure as hell don’t want to write about it.

We found the helmet, and by gum we are going to use it.

Will play 11 guys at a time.
Has no mascot or discernable nickname. (Maybe the Furmen? Gross.)
Division 1-AA.

Why do we play this game? Thank the good lord the NCAA added another game to the schedule. Wouldn’t want to use that extra week for, you know, a playoff.

Here’s our idea for the game. Make it a practice for the coaches. Go in with no game plan. None. Then, at the end of each quarter, they have to… (insert scary music)… MAKE ADJUSTMENTS.

When was our last true come back win? We’re not sure there’s ever been one in Hokie history. In fact, we’re fairly certain the coaching staff plays Xbox at half time.


As far as the rest of the year goes, we are still in this. With Tyrod burning the shirt (whatevs) Tech is probably the favorites to win the NEAC… I mean the ACC.

Seriously, how pitiful is this conference? Vanderbilt could make an Orange Bowl over here.


Well, with our phoned in Furman preview out of the way, let’s get to the predictions:

Congrats (I guess) to last week’s “winner”, Wright. As Madjay pointed out, he correctly picked the VT score on the nose, and was the closest to the ECU score. Plus he’s the Notre Dame of the group, so he gets a few bonus points for no reason.

I’m sure he will celebrate this victory with great fanfare.

File Photo

(all VT wins, obviously)
Gally: 35 – 3, Tyrod pulls a Moxon and pegs Beamer in the face when we stop running the ball.
DiP: 31 – 3, two defensive scores
Carnegie Mellon’s Super-Scientific Football Analyst: 35 – 10
Maniak: 27 – 10
B-Dubs: 42 – 7
Meet the Summet: 34 – 13
The Bull: 31 – 10

(Feel free to drop your own prediction in the comments. We promise to not stalk Facebook to find a drinking picture of you.)
So now that Optimus Prime is in the ICU, it’s time to turn in a completely different direction. Our coaches performed so badly last week, they will have to swallow their pride and accept help from a girl that knows more about football than they do.
(No DiP, it’s not Sarah Palin.)
We need to get a team leader. Someone who knows what’s going on, especially on defense.
You guessed it. Becky “Ice Box” O’Shea.

Perhaps this year, just one time, we can beat Kevin down Cherry Tree Hill.


Devastation: Tech Loses to EC-freaking-U, 27 – 22

September 3, 2008

WARNING: This post contains massive levels of outrage mixed with sadness, fear, alcohol, and a little bit of Guitar Hero.

Christ, dude.

That’s really all we have. There are no words.

We get it that the Pirates are better than a cream puff. But for a program with an empty trophy case for a future National Championship, these things cannot happen.


So where did we go wrong?

The way we saw the game, there were four things that caught our attention as to how bad our game time coaching may actually be. Feel free to disagree, but these are the things that made us put an Iron City through the screen.


1. The end of the first half.

With 8 seconds to go on the clock as Glennon goes out of bounds on first down, we felt pretty good. Why wouldn’t we? Knocking on the door of field goal range (not saying it would be close to going in, but it would be worth a shot, of course). Take a quick shot downfield and call a quick timeout.

Hey wait, where’s the offense going? Get back on the field. No… we didn’t.

Timeout, Virginia Tech. That’s their last charged timeout.

Holy. Lord.

We have 40 seconds to get a play in, get to the line, and hike the ball. Now we are forced to go to the sideline, and we all know Glennon isn’t exactly Elway-esque.

Beamer is officially the Joe Gibbs of college football.


2. I’ll take some defense, hold the blitz.

Hey, what’s the best way to neutralize a situation in which you best secondary player is out with an injury? Let’s give the quarterback more time.

We counted 2 plays in which Tech rushed more than the four down linemen. Those two plays wound up with crappy throws by ECU. The other plays? Well, completing 19 of 23 passes should pretty much tell the tale.

When did this happen? Are we really that bad on defense that we can’t pressure any more? This is frighteningly similar to 2003 season. Does the name Heath Miller remind anyone of something?


3. Running outside is no longer available in Bud Light

This one is pretty straight forward, and we certainly didn’t keep numbers on it. But it certainly seemed like Kenny Lewis was much, much faster than almost everyone on the ECU defense.

Yet we run up the middle. It seemed to us that most of our runs outside (especially to the strong side) provided much more productivity.

Again, no numbers, just sayin’.


4. The Virginia Tech “Drive” that started with 10:18 to go in the 4th.

Ok, at this point we are freaking out. Yes, we know we’re up by 9 right now, but we have zero confidence in anything going on in the coach’s heads. If you’re sure we’re going to win this game, you are on a different planet.

We get a good run from Kenny Lewis (on the outside, by the way), and run it twice more for the first down.

We then proceed to pass the ball three times. One to the sideline, two incomplete.

Plays: 7

Time of possession: 2:37

Conservatively, we run off over two extra minutes by running. And with a two score lead, it would certainly behoove Beamer to start thinking about the time.

Had we run off two more minutes, ECU gets the ball back with 5:41 left.

But more importantly, after we go into Boston College defense, the Pirates would have scored a touchdown with only 1:36 remaining. An onside kick on its way, and a much better chance at a Hokie victory.

And after the most pointless blocked kick in history (the touchdown was all but automatic for ECU offense), we once again put Glennon in a terrible position: having to win the game for us.



Clearly, we need a revamp of coaching. Whoever is making these decisions has to be taken out of the role.

We don’t know who should be put in what position, but the status quo is clearly not the answer. The CEO of my company doesn’t know how to do my job, but he can sure as hell tell when I’m not performing. And our coaches are not performing.

Phew, that felt better. Furman is up next. We’ll let you know what our possible future is coming up.

Optimus Prime is crying tears of All Spark.