Virginia Tech – Season Preview

The countdown continues to zero-hour. Here’s a look at our thoughts on the Hokies’ 2008 schedule. We’ve rated each game based on predicted awesomeness, excitement, and nauseous feelings we’re expected to have prior to kickoff.
(Note: Ratings are based on # of awesome things, 1-5.)


(kind of @, anyways)

So the game is being played in Charlotte, which we think is near the ECU campus. You know, if we actually knew where their campus was located.

The stadium will be 90% Hokie, since everyone and their brother lives in Charlotte these days. And we’ll win, but not by enough.

Rating: It’s game one, which automatically makes it awesome. 5 West End London Broils.

VT wins 27 – 17



(Yeah, that’s right. We found the Furman Helmet. Don’t say we don’t work a little bit around here.)

HA! For realzies? First one to name their mascot gets free tickets to the game. Just like everyone else.

Though, it is the first true home game, and Lane will be rocking. We will win. By a lot.

Rating: 4 Souvlaki gyros

VT wins 400 – 5


Georgia Tech
Ok, big time game here. Likely our stiffest opponent in the division. And the Yellow Jackets last trip to Blacksburg did not fair well for the orange and maroon. This is our first must-win game of the season.

Rating: 5 kegs of non-Natty Lite. If you can’t get pumped for this, go ahead and apply to that other exit 118 school.

VT wins 28 – 24

@ North Carolina

Same game, different year. The game will be on Raycom or some shit, preceded by an infomercial for the Magic Bullet.

We’ll win, but won’t impress.

Rating: 2 Irish Car Bombs

VT wins 27 – 14


@ Nebraska

Rewind five years: We got a contract with Nebraska?!?! Huuuuuuuuuuge!
Fast-forward to present: If we lose to f’ing Nebraska, I’m done with life.

Has any program slid this far so fast before? Oh yeah, Syracuse.

Though this is still an exciting match-up. A better out of conference opponent than most teams can display.

But we can’t lose this game and expect and sort of respect. And we won’t lose this game.

Rating: 3 Episodes of Top Gear

VT wins 30 – 21


Western Kentucky

Easily the weirdest mascot we will ever see. And for Hokies, that’s saying something. What is this guy? It’s like a red trash can with eyes.

Just creepy.

To summarize, Tech rolls.

Rating: 1 Cheesy Gordita Crunch from T-Bell

VT wins 83 – 1


@ Boston College

And here is where we get revenge for last year’s debacle in Blacksburg. What’s that? We beat them last season? For the ACC Championship?? And they wound up going to the Champs Sports Bowl? Ha, awesome.

Then this will be revenge for Boston sports fans in general. If you need this explained for you, then you’re probably a Boston fan.

Huge game though. Always a tough task playing the Eagles. But without their demi-god Matty Ice (puke), they’re done.

Rating: 3 of those flavored frozen ice stick popsicle things.

VT wins 17 – 14


@ Florida State

When we were 5 years old, there were 3 things we wanted to do:
1. Grow up to be a Ghostbuster
2. Fly
3. Mockingly do the FSU chop while we destroyed them

Though the first two were not accomplished as of yet (not that we aren’t still trying), the third brought just as much joy to our lives as we’d always hoped. But at their place may be a different story. Not that we are really up on how the ‘Noles will do this year. We’re going with not good? Whatever.

Rating: 4 Fun Dips

VT wins 24 – 10


Maryland Thursday night. Blacksburg. Against Maryland.

Rating: 5 The Sandlots. Even Mr. Mirtle is pumped to see Thursday night games.

VT wins 48 – 14


@ Miami Nowadays, Miami seems to be quite the toss-up. And our Thursday nights on the road seem to be a little bit scarier than they once were. But by this time, we’ll be 9-0. We won’t lose. Duh.
Another must-win game, as the race for the spot in Tampa will be much clearer by this game.
Rating: 4 Primanti Brother’s Sandwiches
VT wins 17 – 10


Duke Just wait until basketball season guys. Not that you guys will win, but at least then you’re expected to.

Rating: 1 Four-Overtime Playoff Hockey Game

VT wins by a few trust funds.



Adorable. They think they’re a football team.

Seriously, it’s like kicking puppies at this point. Tech rolls for, like, the 15th time in a row against the cavaliers (refuse to capitalize that). UVA players can all hangout “with” each other at club 213 after the slaughtering.
Rating: 3 Yearly Beatings of UVA
VT wins 24 – 10


ACC Championship

Everyone’s going with Clemson to be the Atlantic representative, but that would be too obvious for us. We like to stick out. We love Saving Silverman and hated The Dark Knight.* Everyone zigs. We zag.
Our pick for the ACC Championship opponent? Wake Forest. The dark horse. But we destroy them as well.
Rating: 5 ACC Championships
VT wins 38 – 28
* – just kidding, we swoon for Aaron Eckhart

2 Responses to “Virginia Tech – Season Preview”

  1. Bro Says:

    I like Primanti’s.

  2. mo gal Says:

    the mirtle comment was low.

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