Archive for August, 2008

ECU Predictions

August 29, 2008

We are mere hours away from kick off, and it’s time for the weekly predictions. This year, we’ll give out an award to each week’s winner based on Tech’s score, the opponent’s score, and score differential. If it confuses you, that’s ok. We’ll probably just make it up anyways.

We would keep a running tally for the season, but we are far too lazy for that.

Without further ado, let’s check to see what the experts (ha!) have to say about the ECU contest:

C Gally: 20 – 10 VT
Dip: 23 – 10 VT
B Bull: 17 – 10 VT
Wright: 22 – 14 VT*
Carnegie Mellon’s Super-Scientific Football Analyst: 32 – 14 VT*
B Dubs: 24 – 10 VT
Poppa Gally: 28 – 7 VT

*We’re not quite sure how one scores 22 or 32 points in a football game, but whatever. It’s your party and you can cry if you want to. Cry if you want to. Cry if you want to.

After our ECU preview was posted, we received a picture that no words can describe.

Tech Tech VPI indeed.

Go Hokies!!

Game 1 Preview: ECU Pirates

August 27, 2008
It’s here! It’s here! It’s here!!

It’s the sporting world’s version of the Red Ryder BB Gun: The first college football Saturday.

Black Bart was not a Pirate.

The Friday before, we can never sleep. Well, we wouldn’t be able to sleep, if not for the fact that we usually start drinking around 5:30 pm Friday afternoons. When we awake at 10 the next morning, we scamper downstairs in footie pajamas to amazing visions of pregames and tailgates. Oh holy night!

It is without hyperbole that this Saturday is the best day of the year.


On to our team…

Obviously, the biggest news pertains to the quarterback situation. We could delve into this for hours, but we’re just kind of sick of it. We really don’t care at this point. The offense is going to score about 6 points a game no matter what, so what the hells the difference?

If Stinespring isn’t running the ball, we’ll be breaking television sets anyways.

Run. The. Ball. Sean Glennon is only one man.

The North End Zone offices are pretty divided on the final decision. Many points were thrown out there, but Tyrod is not Jesus in maroon and orange. (We’re pretty sure the regular Jesus wears maroon and orange anyways, though.)

Will Glennon be a Bryan Randall or a Grant Noel? Hopefully the former. All he really needs to do is not f— it up and let the running game and defense win the games.

And at the end of the day, at best Tyrod gets you to 10-2, and at worst Glennon gets you 8-4. For an extra year with a better team, we can handle a few more curse-filled rants.


But we will need to throw at some point. Our starting wide receievers? Dyrell Roberts and Danny Coale. If you haven’t heard of them, don’t worry. Their mothers haven’t even heard of them.

If this group of freshmen can perform as well as the outgoing class, we are going to have a great bunch of receivers we’ll never be able to get the ball to.

In true Friday Night Lights style, we will only be referring to Kenny Lewis as Kenny Lewis. No Kenny or Lewis or KL or K-Lew. He is forever Kenny Lewis.

He’s our starter, with what will amount to 3 backups in Evans, Oglesby, and the Cheese (though the Cheese is listed at #4). It will all depend on the o-line anyways… Just love when that’s the case…

Awesomely enough, one man that will also be getting some carries this year: Greg Booooooooooooone. Officially our favorite player. Just going to make that fact known.

In the off season, Greg goes crabbing on the Northwestern.


Bud Foster is still on the coaching staff, so the defense will be as solid as usual. Once again, the unit will keep us in every game. Orion and Cam will be wrecking balls in the middle.

Kam Chancellor will return at least 3 interceptions for touchdowns. And Macho will again live up to the most badass name in all of football. Other stars will emerge throughout the season, and we’ll try in vain to come up with awesome nicknames.


So the actual ECU game…

This is the first time in 108 years that we will play a football game in Charlotte.

What was happening in 1900?
Hawaii became a US territory.
The Olympics as we know them today were held in Paris. The SECOND Olympics.
Ricky Henderson was born.

Christ, dude.

And Tech lost to Clemson, 12-5.

Most of the people we know who watched that game have not been able to get over it. Well, this one is for you guys.

We’re 6-0 against the Pirates since we got good (circa 1994). As anyone from Pittsburgh will tell you, a good record against a team called the Pirates is not something to brag about.

We suck…

No official word on the rumor that Matt Morris will be starting at quarterback.

The number one running back for the 2007 Pirates was lost to the first round of the draft, and this year’s presumptive number one is out with a knee injury.

That would be the extent of our scouting.


So what’s the deal with this game? Well, ECU is that team you don’t like playing. You know they’re better than people think, but clearly other people don’t think that way.

Obviously we should win this game, but it will be closer than we’d all like.


But the bigger question is who will lead us? In the tradition of thepensblog, we need a leader for each game. Hey, it worked for us during the playoffs.

We need a solid win, but there’s no need to be flashy here. Just get the job done. It’s business.

Who do we turn to? You got it. Optimus Prime

Not only is a hero, but he’s a truck driver, too.

Get it done. Go Hokies.

Virginia Tech – Season Preview

August 18, 2008
The countdown continues to zero-hour. Here’s a look at our thoughts on the Hokies’ 2008 schedule. We’ve rated each game based on predicted awesomeness, excitement, and nauseous feelings we’re expected to have prior to kickoff.
(Note: Ratings are based on # of awesome things, 1-5.)


(kind of @, anyways)

So the game is being played in Charlotte, which we think is near the ECU campus. You know, if we actually knew where their campus was located.

The stadium will be 90% Hokie, since everyone and their brother lives in Charlotte these days. And we’ll win, but not by enough.

Rating: It’s game one, which automatically makes it awesome. 5 West End London Broils.

VT wins 27 – 17



(Yeah, that’s right. We found the Furman Helmet. Don’t say we don’t work a little bit around here.)

HA! For realzies? First one to name their mascot gets free tickets to the game. Just like everyone else.

Though, it is the first true home game, and Lane will be rocking. We will win. By a lot.

Rating: 4 Souvlaki gyros

VT wins 400 – 5


Georgia Tech
Ok, big time game here. Likely our stiffest opponent in the division. And the Yellow Jackets last trip to Blacksburg did not fair well for the orange and maroon. This is our first must-win game of the season.

Rating: 5 kegs of non-Natty Lite. If you can’t get pumped for this, go ahead and apply to that other exit 118 school.

VT wins 28 – 24

@ North Carolina

Same game, different year. The game will be on Raycom or some shit, preceded by an infomercial for the Magic Bullet.

We’ll win, but won’t impress.

Rating: 2 Irish Car Bombs

VT wins 27 – 14


@ Nebraska

Rewind five years: We got a contract with Nebraska?!?! Huuuuuuuuuuge!
Fast-forward to present: If we lose to f’ing Nebraska, I’m done with life.

Has any program slid this far so fast before? Oh yeah, Syracuse.

Though this is still an exciting match-up. A better out of conference opponent than most teams can display.

But we can’t lose this game and expect and sort of respect. And we won’t lose this game.

Rating: 3 Episodes of Top Gear

VT wins 30 – 21


Western Kentucky

Easily the weirdest mascot we will ever see. And for Hokies, that’s saying something. What is this guy? It’s like a red trash can with eyes.

Just creepy.

To summarize, Tech rolls.

Rating: 1 Cheesy Gordita Crunch from T-Bell

VT wins 83 – 1


@ Boston College

And here is where we get revenge for last year’s debacle in Blacksburg. What’s that? We beat them last season? For the ACC Championship?? And they wound up going to the Champs Sports Bowl? Ha, awesome.

Then this will be revenge for Boston sports fans in general. If you need this explained for you, then you’re probably a Boston fan.

Huge game though. Always a tough task playing the Eagles. But without their demi-god Matty Ice (puke), they’re done.

Rating: 3 of those flavored frozen ice stick popsicle things.

VT wins 17 – 14


@ Florida State

When we were 5 years old, there were 3 things we wanted to do:
1. Grow up to be a Ghostbuster
2. Fly
3. Mockingly do the FSU chop while we destroyed them

Though the first two were not accomplished as of yet (not that we aren’t still trying), the third brought just as much joy to our lives as we’d always hoped. But at their place may be a different story. Not that we are really up on how the ‘Noles will do this year. We’re going with not good? Whatever.

Rating: 4 Fun Dips

VT wins 24 – 10


Maryland Thursday night. Blacksburg. Against Maryland.

Rating: 5 The Sandlots. Even Mr. Mirtle is pumped to see Thursday night games.

VT wins 48 – 14


@ Miami Nowadays, Miami seems to be quite the toss-up. And our Thursday nights on the road seem to be a little bit scarier than they once were. But by this time, we’ll be 9-0. We won’t lose. Duh.
Another must-win game, as the race for the spot in Tampa will be much clearer by this game.
Rating: 4 Primanti Brother’s Sandwiches
VT wins 17 – 10


Duke Just wait until basketball season guys. Not that you guys will win, but at least then you’re expected to.

Rating: 1 Four-Overtime Playoff Hockey Game

VT wins by a few trust funds.



Adorable. They think they’re a football team.

Seriously, it’s like kicking puppies at this point. Tech rolls for, like, the 15th time in a row against the cavaliers (refuse to capitalize that). UVA players can all hangout “with” each other at club 213 after the slaughtering.
Rating: 3 Yearly Beatings of UVA
VT wins 24 – 10


ACC Championship

Everyone’s going with Clemson to be the Atlantic representative, but that would be too obvious for us. We like to stick out. We love Saving Silverman and hated The Dark Knight.* Everyone zigs. We zag.
Our pick for the ACC Championship opponent? Wake Forest. The dark horse. But we destroy them as well.
Rating: 5 ACC Championships
VT wins 38 – 28
* – just kidding, we swoon for Aaron Eckhart

USA Today Top 25: The Early Edition

August 8, 2008
The preseason coach’s poll came out last week (sorry for the delay, we’ve been having to work at our actual jobs). As everyone surely knows, Georgia is ranked first. And considering their schedule, as well as some big out of conference games for other high ranked teams, this year could turn out to be another crazy season.
ESPN has also posted their Power Rankings. What makes these rankings so much more powerful than normal rankings? We can’t really tell. Actually, we can’t even see who’s ranking the teams. Our guess would be the guy that holds that big count down timer thing.

The Worldwide Leader also managed to expand their rankings all the way to 25, rather than the prior 16. So this actually makes them in no way different from about 37 other polls out there. So let’s take a look at the one that actually means something.


USA Today Coaches Poll
1. Georgia (22)
2. USC (14)
3. Ohio State (14)
4. Oklahoma (3)
5. Florida (5)
6. LSU (3)
7. Missouri
8. West Virginia
9. Clemson
10. Texas
11. Auburn
12. Wisconsin
13. Kansas
14. Texas Tech
15. Virginia Tech
16. Arizona State
17. Brigham Young
18. Tennessee
19. Illinois
20. Oregon
21. South Florida
22. Penn State
23. Wake Forest
24. Michigan
25. Fresno State

The numbers in parenthesis represent first place votes, not off-season arrests.
Tech is ranked 15th, which is probably where we should be, and probably we’ll end up at the end of the year. Well, end up there after we climb into the top five and then all of our dreams are crushed by one devastating loss. (Only to be redeemed by winning the ACC once again.)

Clemson is number 9, which has most Tiger fans rolling their eyes. They’ve actually gotten tired of saying “This year is the year”.

Wake Forest, our dark horse to win the Atlantic Division, is ranked 23rd. Expect to see them rise quickly.

BYU is ranked, and nobody cares.

Kansas is 13? Is that for real? Look, we know they beat us last year, but it was last year. Anyone other than Sarah Plain and Tall not think that their past season was a fluke?

Five Big 12 schools in the top fifteen… joke.

Four Big 10 schools ranked… double joke.


(Note: The predictions listed above do not represent actuall events. Most likely, they are completely inaccurate. In fact, betting against them may be the smartest money out there.)

Welp, that’s all we got. Be back shortly with a season preview.