Archive for May, 2008

The Penguins Only Hope

May 27, 2008

We know, we know. The North End Zone does not do a preview for the Stanley Cup and everything goes to hell. It’s all our fault. Stop yelling at Adam Hall (even though we haven’t stopped… get us some Jeff Taffe!!).

Word is the Penguins were spotted in Pittsburgh just after the final whistle last night. The rumors are pretty believable, because they certainly didn’t show up in Detroit.

Well now it’s a little late for a preview. We’re already in a hole so deep that not even the skills of one Adam “Cake Eater” Banks could pull us out. So it’s time to get desperate.

Over at the Pensblog, each game is designated a hero. Whether Red and Andy from Shawshank or President Thomas J. Whitmore who saved us from the aliens, there’s always someone to lead us.

But times are too trying. We need the nuclear bomb. We need none other than:

Capt. SIG HANSEN of the Northwestern

To think that we may have never known Sig if not for the Discovery Channel is pretty scary. Though Sig would only be considered a green-horn on a boat captained by Gary Roberts, Sig is the leader of the greatest crab boat of all time. All. Time. (Technically, all the boats in which Jesus was involved were fishing boats.)

We will look to Sig for guidance. Game three is obviously a must win. And the 4 shots we had in game two will not get it done. Sig will know where to drop the pots. He’ll guide us in the choppy seas. Get that man a ticket.

Game three. LET’S GO PENS!!!!

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The Washington Fats

May 12, 2008

The Washington Nationals problems offensively can be shown no better than this. It is sad when a vast number of your key and role players have a lower batting average than they do official weight.

  • Nick Johnson
  • 237lbs – .223

  • Wily Mo Pena
    268lbs – .219
  • Austin Kearns
    238lbs – .208
  • Paul Lo Duca
    213lbs – .200
  • Ronnie Belliard
    214lbs – .197
  • Johnny Estrada
    254lbs – .179

  • Two players are closing in on this dubious stat as well

  • Ryan Zimmerman
    228lbs – .240

  • Willie Harris
    186lbs – .196

  • This is not including 300 pound Dmitri Young who has only 2 at bats


    As of 5/11/08 the nationals average weight for position players was 230 and the team batting average was .237. When your team cant even carry its own weight while batting there are serious problems that aren’t just with the pitching staff.

    The Obligatory "Let’s Go Pens!" Post

    May 9, 2008

    As some of you know, your humble editor here at The North End Zone is a die-hard Pittsburgh Penguins fan. Contrast that with your humble guy that never posts anything DiP, who is a “meh” Flyers fan. Well, it seems as though our teams are about to do battle atop the mountain that is the NHL’s Eastern Conference. So here’s my list of reasons why the Penguins will be the Flyers. (If DiP wants to respond, he’ll have to figure out how to post first.)

    1. Music – Pittsburgh has rock stars like Donnie Iris and Charlie Daniels sing about the city. Philly has pretty boys (boyz?) Boyz II Men singing “Motown Philly”. Yeesh.

    2. Movies – Pittsburgh has Sudden Death. Really, there’s nothing more that needs to be said.


    3. # of statues of fictional sports heroes: Pittsburgh – 0, Philly – 1. We prefer ours to be real.

    4. Other sports teams in the city – too easy
    5. Colors – Black and Gold trumps all. Everywhere. And the Penguins made a slight alteration in the gold to make is MORE badass. (Reports that the cloth Mary gave to Jesus was actually a Terrible Towel could not be confirmed.)
    6. Years Andy Van Slyke was in town: Pittsburgh – 8, Philly – 1.

    7. Television – Pittsburgh has Mr. Rogers. That’s right: Mr.-freaking-Rogers. Philly? They have the opening song in the “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”. You know, the show about a city so rampant in crime that a rapper had to move away. (I would like a chicken sandwhich, to go. Anyone? Anyone?)
    8. Food – Our staple (Primanti’s) isn’t overrated.
    9. # of Pensblogs dedicated to your team: Pittsburgh – 1, Philly – 0. Seriously, if you are not reading this site you are missing out.
    10. Billy Tibbetts once punched an opposing player on the bench. Roberts, Laraque, and Gill think he’s a pansy.

    There you go. 10 clearly solid reasons why Pittsburgh will win this series. Not much more to say but…

    LET’S GO PENS!!!