Archive for January, 2007

Luke-warm Pizza

January 26, 2007

While we really don’t care either way about Cold Pizza, we often wondered how such a show was begun. A morning show, but with sports. So first we need to examine the idea of a morning show. While we’re not sexist, the reason that morning shows exist is that more women stay at home than men. Thus, their programming tends towards that demographic. So a morning sports show? Seriously, not many women like sports. Let’s just say it. So how do you sell this show? Here’s how:

Salesman: We want to pitch you a show. It’s a live show.
ESPN Bigwig: We don’t do live shows.
S: No no, not a news show. It’s a morning show.
E: Like that chick show the View? Or Regis and that one chick?
S: Pretty much. But here’s the kicker. We do it about sports.
E: What time will this show air?
S: 10-12, then the same show from 12-2.
E: But guys work then. Most people work then. You want me to put on a live broadcast from 10 am – 2 pm?
S: Not just me. The people want it.
E: You are talking to the network that replays the 2004 World Series of Poker at 8 pm. So what kind of stuff are we putting on?
S: Basically softball interviews with flash-in-the-pan celebs and athletes. But we’ll also have a one-on-one part. 2 guys that don’t like each other will debate sports issues.
E: We have that. It’s called PTI.
S: Yeah, but these guys are always wrong.
E: …go on.
S: Well, that pretty much sums it up.
E: So what do we do then? Replay the episodes later in the day, so people can actually watch?
S: Nope. But we do replay the part with the 2 guys debating.
E: Oh ok. So when do we put them on so people at work can see?
S: 4 pm.
E: Do you or have you ever had a job? People don’t get home until 5:30. Why do you think we put “Around the Horn” on at 5? Who the hell are we targeting.
S: One word: College students.
E: Ugh.
S: Seriously. You guys are getting crushed by “Becker” on TBS.
E: …go on.
S: How do we portray that “college student” image? With the “I’m a cool college kid” title: Cold Pizza. Its hip, stylish, can be abbreviated to CP.
E: College kids do like the leftovers and Ramen. They’re also all about the abreeves.
S: And don’t worry about the costs. We’ll put almost no money into programming, use and old warehouse for a set, and steal a bunch of sports stuff off the walls at Applebees.
E: I’m sold. If this doesn’t work, we can always put a webcam in the studio of a radio show and call it TV.

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A trip to Wawa

January 19, 2007
So I was going to first put up a money post we’ve been working on, but I have to skip it. In order to capture the emotion I am feeling right now, I must put it up now.

Let me give the setting:
In Richmond, at the Hamton Inn.

I am quite thirsty after 30 minutes of laughing at The Office. However, I don’t feel the need to spend $4 on a Pepsi at the hotel vending machine. What does that mean? A trip to Sheetz.

On my way outside, I start to realize that Sheetz has much more than Pepsi. While not in the mood for a sandwich, I realize that Sheetz has many other items. Namely… Suzie-Q’s. As I reach the car, I look over to see a Target store. I think for a second. It’s within walking distance, but no Suzie-Q’s. Unacceptable.

So I drive about mile down the road to a large, well-lit gas station. I know what everyone thinks: Sheetz. But NO!! It is in fact a Wawa. Whatever, its all the same, right? Well, I walk in, get my Pepsi, and head to find the Q’s. Ok, not with the candy, not with the chips, not with the… tasty cake stuff… wait a second. What the hell is going on here??

Well, it seems that Wawa does not carry Little Debbie products. You heard that right. No Twinkies. No Ho-hos. And NO SUZIE-Q’S!!!! I am crushed.

I think for a second about driving around looking for a Sheetz, but decide against it. I’m pretty lazy. So I go for the next best thing. You guessed it: Rolos. Off to the candy aisle I go. I take a first scan… you’ve got to be kidding me. Upon closer inspection, there are no Rolos to be found. A lap to the counter candy confirms it. They have Chunky, Whatchamacallits, and even Sour Patch Connectors. Seriously, has anyone bought a Whatchamacallit in 15 years?

I am literally on the verge of tears at this point. I grab a Crunch bar or something. I’d be totally happy with it at any other time. But I’ve been through too much tonight to be happy about anything.

To sum up, I hate Wawa. Normally, this is the point where the pissed off blogger starts a grassroots boycott of the company. But I can’t say I’ll never go there again. Hell, their gas was $1.95. And I’m a guy that didn’t bat an eye when people got sick from Taco Bell. Yeah, I’d still like a Crunch-chew-eesy Gordita. But I won’t like it any time I go. And you shouldn’t either. So next time you go to a Wawa, or even see a Wawa, I want you to remember what they did to me. I know I sure will… I know I sure will…

(I would like to apologize to all fellow writers and all readers. This rant is out of line for our site, but still. Sometimes, you need to abuse the login power.)

Virginia Tech Basketball Team Thinks Its Football Season

January 16, 2007

Warning: This post is heavily littered with super-happy, holy-crap-I-can’t-believe-we-did-it enthusiasm.


Currently, the Hokies are 13-4. I could have seen this. 13-4 is good, and looking at our schedule, pretty average. The thing is, Tech was 10-4 going into last Saturday. Next 3? Duke, UNC-Greensboro, and UNC (the real one). Now we are 13-4 after the greatest week of basketball ever. We are ranked for the first time since I was 12 years old.

At the beginning of this season, I told pretty much everyone I knew that Tech would be ranked in basketball this year. I wholeheartedly believed. After loses to W. Michigan and Marshall, my preseason hype was looking like an ESPN preseason poll. But the hype was for real. And this team is for real… when they want to be.

Sure we lost 4 games to teams that aren’t the greatest ever. Do I care at all? Does anyone care? No. This team has officially arrived. We aren’t contenders for National Titles, and we don’t expect to be. But with a history of nubbins basketball since the likes of Ace Custis (yeah, that was an Ace Custis reference), we are now ranked. Whether we can stay there is yet to be seen, but with the job Coach Greenberg has done in only 4 years, I have a good feeling we’ll stay solid.

For those that are not familiar with the program, or Hokies that have forgotten their roots, let me recap where we were my freshman year, the 2002-2003 season:

  • We had a UVA grad as a coach.
  • Our record was 12-17, with a 4-12 conference record.
  • We did not make the Big East tournament. Do you know what it takes to make the Big East tournament? Not be last. Too tough of a task for us.
  • Our best player was a 400 pound ex-offensive lineman named Terry Taylor.
  • Our student section sat for 80% of the game.

Now, you can’t get student tickets. It is loud for every game. We are ranked, and the future looks bright. I know the season isn’t over, but some of us were there at the beginning. This team took a big step this past week. Oh, and this happened:

Deep Thoughts: National Championship Game

January 9, 2007

So Ohio State got trounced last night, 41-14. Somehow, the drubbing of Notre Dame by the same score was so much more fulfilling. Here are the random highlights:

  • Urban Meyer had the best lip reading of the night. After the Gators were flagged for a suspect call on a punt, the coach let the ref know, “You f***ed that one up”. Thank you, Tivo. Best lip reading caught by the cameras since Brady Quinn dropped the “Oh f*** me” while getting torn apart at USC.
  • Yes, that is a nice truck, and it can withstand a good bit of punishment. But I think the real story here is the 10 foot tall Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots. These guys are fighting, and no one is in the arena watching?? Hardly logical.
  • A surprisingly low number of adds for the bowl sponsor Tostitos (against the standard for sponsors). And how do you explain to the 6-year-old actor why he’s saying the words “mommy and daddy wrestling”?
  • We definitely enjoyed having 2 players from each side (Emmitt Smith and Eddie George) fighting with each other at the desk. At least they don’t hide their rooting interests like Mr. Holtssscchh. If anyone caught the pregame, you were treated to a very awkward video of Richard Lewis, an OSU grad. Emmitt definitely pulled out what we were all thinking: “The best guy you could get for Ohio State was Richard Lewis?” Dagger. Dude, the guy was King John in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. His career was legitimized then.
  • Unlike the OSU O-line, Holly Rowe apparently decided to show up, most likely for ESPN Radio. We will refrain from using the obviously line of having something made for radio. The brief glimpses of her on the sideline made us shudder a bit. Rumor is she left early to party it up with Pam Ward.
  • Despite Florida’s obvious domination and right to the #1 spot, one AP writer felt it necessary to vote for Boise State at #1. While he may be incorrect, I totally agree with the non-violent protest of the BCS system. Glad to see Dr. King’s spirit put towards good use in today’s society.
  • Surprised no Florida players proposed to a cheerleader after the game. The Gator cheerleaders looked like great marriage material.
  • Also during the pregame, FOX did a story about Troy Smith growing up in Cleveland. Let’s just say the images they used surely displeased the Cleveland Board of Tourism… if there is a Cleveland Board of Tourism. Ironically, his father had on a gold necklace of the state of Louisiana at the game. Pretty sure the images of that state are currently better than those of Cleveland.

Other than that, the game was pretty much straight forward. Ohio State had momentum for exactly 16 seconds at the beginning of the game. Troy Smith looked like Peyton Manning under pressure, without the throwing of the O-line under the bus. Thus closes another wonderful year in college football. Fear not folks, the start of the Arena League season is right around the corner.

The Bill Cowher Power Hour

January 5, 2007


The reason why Bill Cowher left was not to spend time with his family it was to spend working on his new talk radio show. If anyone who has ever seen the NFL Channel TV commercial from last year would know what I am talking about. The talk show in the commercial was called the Bill Cowher Power Hour. “Where the Chin will always Win.”

Now the show is brilliant, if Rachel Ray can get a show why isn’t it brilliant. It would be him talking to celebrities and giving tips about football to youngsters throughout the show. And once a year there would be a “Battle of the Chins” where Bill and Jay Leno face off in a series of events to see who is king of the talk show chins. The events would be spitting, walking in some sort of J pattern, and so forth. I think this is a golden idea no pressure of coaching but yet more fame then before. I can’t wait.

Predictions for 2007

January 3, 2007

So we took some time off for the holidays, and we’re sure there’s gotta be one person that noticed. So as we say goodbye to the year of the Steeler’s Superbowl and the Marcus Vick… well, just Marcus Vick, we are now going to tell you what is in store for the next year. We are hesitant to call these predictions, as they will assuredly come true.

So here they are, THE stories of 2007:

  • Pittsburgh Penguins win the Stanley Cup. They will be the first team to leave a city as champions. The question will be if the Cup will stay in Pittsburgh or go with the team to Houston/Hartford/Montreal/Juneau.
  • Colts lose to the Chargers in the AFC Championship game. Indy must then find 21 new starters after Peyton Manning throws the rest of the team under the bus.

  • Chargers beat the Eagles in the Superbowl. Rumors later swirl as to whether or not the NFL even bothered to make “Eagles Superbowl Champion” apparel for after the game.

  • Democrats keep control of the House.

  • Tommy Bowden accepts the Alabama job. Bowden’s don’t win unless they can pay their players.

  • Bobby Knight kills 4 people for not listening to him.

  • Arizona or Kentucky is again the “sexy pick” to win the NCAA Tourney. They will lose in the 2nd round, screwing over my bracket for yet another year.

  • Florida will lose to Butler in the NCAA Tourney Final, giving Florida 2 losses in championship games. 13 year old Joseph Hegeman of Zionsville, IN wins ESPN’s Bracket Challenge because his brother went there.

  • The Olympic Committee discontinues the Olympic Games, ruling that each country’s own regular competitions are pretty much a playoff. Medals will be awarded based on votes by writers. Notre Dame Football wins 3 Golds.

  • After a new owner comes in and wants to move the team to Florida, the Cleveland Indians rally around their hatred of her to win the Series.

  • The Toronto Raptors win the NBA Championship, proving that the U.S. just really really sucks at basketball.

  • In the off season, 4 Bengals will attempt to offset their teammates behavior and become ministers. To offset this, Chris Henry runs a drug ring out of an illegal gambling parlor using hookers.

  • After having 2 coaches for 4 decades, the Pittsburgh Steelers will have 4 coaches in two months. After failing to land Gordon Bombay, Bill Nye, or Woody Paige, they finally settle on Chuck Amato. Dan Rooney cites Amato’s physically humorous chest as a main hiring factor.

  • The North End Zone writers will be offered multi-million dollar jobs at ESPN. Unfortunately, the jobs will entail talking with Pam Ward.

So there you have it folks. That’s what will be in the year 2007. It is set to be a good one, for sure.